Monday, April 8, 2013

Missing lunch, celebrating life.

Sometimes the reality of what we have been through hits me like a ton of bricks.  Most often I am reminded in the words of my girls and the most recent time was no different.  I stood in the kitchen, cleaning, making lunch, filling a bottle, and trying desperately to pay attention to my oldest and here is the conversation:

Yes, Kathryne?
Mommies sure are busy huh?
Yes baby mommies are very busy.
Poor mommies are so busy they don't even get to sit down for their lunch or watch a movie with their babies huh? 
(Insert giant brick hitting me in the head here)

I was speechless.  What was I supposed to say?  "Yes Kathryne, mommies are too busy to sit for a meal and watch a movie with their children. I bet you cannot wait to be a mommy!"
Or, "Actually baby girl a lot of mommies watch movies with their kids, just not yours."
I said nothing.  I just smiled at her and silently asked the Lord for a few more minutes in each day.  Oh and by the way could I get the last five months back that I missed with my first two babies?  Or maybe just the Thanksgiving and Christmas that I was barely physically present for?  And how about an hour or so with my husband?  And then I heard Josie cry and went back into being the mommy that stands to eat grateful, blown away by mercy, thankful, tired, blessed. 

My first two children have had to grow up fast due to the birth of my second two.  We have had to rely on them to entertain themselves, to understand things that most kids don't have too, to take care of each other and yes, sometimes of us. Have we done are best? Absolutely.  Was it enough? Is it ever?  The life that the Lord has given us and the trials he has handed us since March of 2010 were more than we could have ever imagined.  They have effected us in ways we are not even aware of yet and I am sure it is the same for my girls.  I stop and I pray that Jesus will show them, in the chaos, that their mommy and daddy took what He has given them and have done the best they knew how too. 

Just recently I have heard Kathryne say "My mommy has four babies.  We have a brother named Bennett and he lives in heaven."  "My sister Josie she is very special.  She is the cutest baby ever".  She is listening, and in her own way she understands, more than she should have to, but she understands.

So now we have three out of four of our babies at home.  It is not without challenges due to Josie's needs right now.  But I can see the future through His eyes as He shows me glimpses of what is to come and it is wonderful.  We are exhausted.  We are emotionally spent.  We have not stopped since October. Not for a moment. But we are grateful  We are blown away by what He has done for us.  We are blessed beyond measure.  And one day, we will pack all of our girls up and head to the zoo to see the monkeys and have a picnic.  And mommy will SIT right by her sweet Kathryne and eat.  Until then we will celebrate the life of the greatest miracle we have ever seen every minute of every day. 

          Thank you for your prayers, for reading, for loving us.