Friday, February 18, 2011

Wherever I go, there We are!

Today it is damp and warm and overcast  in Franklin TN.  And that about sums up the way that I feel.  Warm but cloudy and a little like rain.  I am on the brink of laughter or tears depending on my next call, next email, next breath.  My girls are asleep and my house is a mess.  I should either be napping or cleaning but instead I came here for some therapy.  I stopped here just for a moment to dump my thoughts and feelings so that I can continue with my routine and day filled with caring for others.  Thank you for joining me in all of your chaos. 

Today we (and by we I mean Doc and I) have saved the world, the planet and all of it's problems.  We laugh at the absurdity of the fact that we get about 15 total minutes to talk on the best of days and 99 percent of the time we are either discussing a problem or talking about how we are going to fix it and most of the time it is someone else's problem!  We have to laugh because we have 752 problems of our own that we are not even close to or capable of fixing.  Yet in every spare thought, breath, brainstorm we are trying to make the life of someone we love easier, better, more tolerable. 

Right before we got off the phone my sweet husband made the comment that usually all that we discuss is a waste of time or of breath for that matter.  The truth is he is right. We cannot fix the problems of the day, the week, the month for that matter.  You know why? Because wherever you go, however you get there, whatever you take with you or leave behind, THERE YOU ARE.  That is all there is too it.  We can lend a hand, a dollar, our time, our hearts, our advice, but we cannot change the person.  We can change only the circumstances of the moment but not the future.  The future is still up to them, not us.  They are the common denominator and we cannot walk every step with them no matter how much we love them.  There is only One that can take that walk. Oh how very frustrating that is for two people who just want everyone to be happy and feel good damn it! 

So I sit here and am humbled by my life, my marriage, my Lord.  I realize that it is because of my Lord and Him only that this world does not overcome me.  I realize that wherever I go, there WE are (and by we I mean myself and Jesus).  That is why I can tolerate loss, death, failure.  That is why even when it feels like Satan in knocking on the door to our hearts my husband is capable of locking yet another dead bolt to keep him out.  Our Lord protects us.  We do not live for this world, we just get to enjoy it while we live for His and we realize that.  What I know is that it is my faith that changes everything.  It changes desperation to dependence, hopelessness to hope in Him, frustration to focus, loss to love and problems to peace.  When all else fails, and all else DOES fail us all of the time, we are sturdy and confident in the love and strength of our Lord and that eliminates the fear of this world and replaces it with the fear of God.  Amen!

You see my friends, wherever you go there you are. You and all of your baggage and anger and sadness.  You and all of your past and present and your chaotic future.  You can move, or remarry, you can change jobs or hair styles.  You can blame, point fingers, make excuse for all that you have lost or missed. Regardless of any of that, it is still you, right there in the thick of things all alone or with Jesus.  And that is one decision that is yours and only yours to make. You can choose to live without him, or you can choose to live for Him.  Without him, it will always be you, alone, with whatever life you choose.  And maybe it's a good life with little tragedy and frustration or maybe it is a life full of mess.  Either way without him it will be this life and this life only.  With him you get this life and the one beyond us that is more than we can ever imagine.  With him you get peace and love and mercy even on the very worst days.  You get a Savior when all is lost, a love when your marriage lets you down, a best friend when you have no one to turn too.  With him where ever you go, there YOU are.  Both of you. And in my experience two is better than one ;). 

Scripture tells us:
25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Matthew 25-34 The Message

The worries of this world are not important, and that is what we understand here on Tom Anderson Road, most days.  Are there days that we lose site of that?  Of course.  Are there days that I feel like we are missing out and want more "things" absolutely!  But what I know in my heart, because Jesus lives there, is that none of this really matters.  His Kingdom, my marriage, my children, are the things that should keep my focus.  I know that if I remember that and remind myself of that every day then all of the crap will not overwhelm me.  If I let Him walk with me all of the "stuff" will not consume me.  If my focus is on Him and His Kingdom then I can enjoy my life regardless of what I feel I missed or lost knowing that all of that and more is waiting for me!!

Why walk alone when you can be carried when you are tired or hurt or broken? Why turn away for a Savior that gave His life for yours to be complete?  Doc and I love our lives and we love the people in it but we there is only One that can fulfill them, only One that can complete them and we need to be reminded of that just as much as they do.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Praying for speed bumps.

Once again it is snowing in TN and I find myself wondering why, when we could have picked anywhere on the planet to live and start our practice, did we choose middle TN?  But just as quickly as I begin to wander off my thoughts are pulled back to the real world and what is happening in my life right now, today. 

Yesterday I drove home from ATL after burying one of my oldest friend's mother.  She died entirely too young from a life long battle with diabetes.  The day that she died one of my favorites miscarried her first baby and on my ride home I was notified of the death of a sweet lady that I have been praying for.  Her name was Jacque and she lost a battle with melanoma.  Jacque literally sacrificed herself for her baby girl.  She showed true courage and unwavering faith throughout her pregnancy and battle with cancer. Jacque and I have never met but I will look for her when I cross through those gates and hug her tightly letting her know how much I admire her giving up her own life for the life of her sweet child. 

It seems that the week has been bombarded with bad news, loss, tragedy, frustration.  So much so that I wonder what God is doing up there? Vacation perhaps?  I mean don't get me wrong, He has earned a trip to Mexico all inclusive for at least ten days. But I keep thinking it would be nice if He would check His email while He is there because I have sent Him a few.

As I sit here eating the world's best pound cake that was a late birthday present from my sweet mother in law and drinking a cup of decaf wishing it was spiked with Baileys, I try not to let the anxiety overwhelm me.  But it does.  You see my friends, the week is not over.  It is only Thursday and I am not fortune teller and I cannot see into the future but I do know for a fact that my week and the months that follow hinge soley on one phone call that has yet to come, and it is 12:36PM.  A phone call that may come today, or may come tomorrow, but it is coming and it will still be this week.  A phone call that will change our lives.  A phone call that could impact us for months or years, but will impact us nonetheless.  A phone call that me and my loved ones wait for with anticipation, fear, anxiety and countless prayers.  These prayers have by passed His email, and were left at the front desk of that hotel in Mexico. 

It is days like this, weeks like this that remind me, just as I was reminded last March, that we do not get to choose.  Our gift was life, not control.  Our Lord and Saviour is behind the wheel and we better just hold on tight for the ride and hope that the speed bumps He hits are small and the potholes are few and far between.  I have had my share of speed bumps in the last year and one pothole that claimed a tire or two.  Today, as I sit and finish my coffee I am praying for two things, a phone call and a speed bump rather than a pothole. 

Love and Blessings,


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I am 36 years old and honestly, it doesn't bother me near as much as I thought it would.  The older I get the more I realize that life really has nothing to do with age.  I mean sure if you are 36 there are some things that you cannot do like you could if you were 18.  But most of those things are overrated anyway. 

My thirties have been the best years of my life.  The hardest, most emotional, exhausting, sober, longest, shortest, best years of my life. When I was 31 I married the most humble, wonderful, hard working man I had ever met and he came with a beautiful pair of dimples.  When I was 32 I delivered an amazing little girl with big blue eyes that is tied for the spot of my very best friend in the entire world.  When I was 34 I delivered another blue eyed honey that I like to call "the love of my life".   At 35 I gave birth to a little boy.  A little boy that I was blessed to be the only one that ever got to know him alive  A little boy that changed our lives and the lives of everyone that loves us. A little boy that lives in the big blue eyes of my girls that I look into everyday. 

I am humbled by the love of my parents, overwhelmed by the devotion of my husband, bombarded by friendship from my sister and brother and in awe of the beauty of my children.  I have four of the most wonderful women in the world that I get to call my best friends. My Nana is still alive and knows my babies. 
My marriage is strong
and my kids are

I am certain that I am one of the most blessed women in the world and I am so much more than thankful for it.  I am happy and exhausted and full and empty and loved and selfish and crazy and fun and overwhelmed and lonely and busy and full of flaws and imperfections and all I can do today is smile.  Smile knowing that I am doing exactly what I want to do everyday; raising my girls, loving my husband and worshiping the One and only God.  I am 36 years old and I have no idea how it can get better than this.  

Happy Birthday to Me.  Thank you all for making it a wonderful day but more than that thank you for blessing my life.