Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Who Needs Wings When You Have Dimples?

There are moments when life knocks you down and you are just too damn tired to get back up.  Yesterday was my moment.  We have been in this house for a year and for the entire year I have been sick.  We moved in October and not long after I was pregnant with Bennett and had my first hemorrhage.  As I have told you before, the pregnancy was very hard and I was sick the entire time.  After we lost him it took me two months to recover fully from the anemia and BAM I was pregnant again.  For the 11 weeks that I was pregnant with our fourth I actually felt pretty good.  But the loss of that baby resulted in so much blood loss that I was down again.  It has been four weeks since we lost our last baby and this weekend I actually felt almost human.

Doc and I had date day on Sunday.  We went to Nashville and watched the Titans game and ate lunch at the Broadway Brew House.  It was a lot of fun!  It was hot and we walked a lot, but I was up for it FINALLY!!  After the game we made a quick trip to Target and came home to our sweet girls for the evening.  We all went outside to play and Doc cut the grass.  At about 6 PM he got off of the lawn mower saying he was not feeling well.  We all came inside, I took care of the girls for the rest of the evening and poor sweet Doc spent the evening with what we at this point were classifying as an upset stomach.  As the night went on he got worse.  I sat on the sofa watching football and taking care of him as best I could, all the while praying that I did not get whatever it was he had.  There was absolutely no way that my body was ready for a stomach flu or any kind of food poisoning and that is what we were classifying this sickness as at 9 PM.  I went to bed and left Doc on the sofa under a blanket with water and the remote within reach.  I felt just fine and was so thankful!

At midnight all hell broke lose.  I got up knowing that I was in big trouble.  I walked to the other end of the house, grabbed a trash bag just in case I did not make it back, woke up poor sweet Doc who was asleep in the end room and told him his shift with the girls was on, there was no way I could help if they woke up.  I was right.  Now keep in mind folks that I just woke up a man that had been sick for 6 hours with food poisoning and told him to get up and take his two year old to tee tee.  The fact that I even expected him to walk was ridiculous.  But I had no choice.  I was down for the count.  There I was laying in the bathroom floor (you know the one that I hate) and praying that this would not last long.  7 hours later I quit throwing up.  So much for asking God for the little things.;)

I believe that everyone has a guardian angel, some come with wings, others with a money tree, mine happens to come with dimples.  Once again my husband proved to be the amazing man that he is.  I spent all of Monday completely useless.  Usually I bounce back pretty well.  When I was pregnant with Bennett there was a night that  I was sick for three hours and the next day I went into the office and helped Doc.   I made formula at 3 AM the night after my second D&C.  I am telling you folks, I am tough.  I don't know if it was the food poisoning or just the sheer fact that I had to spend another night in the bathroom where the devil lives, but either way I was not able to do anything all day on Monday.  Lifting my head was a chore and I was not willing to attempt it unless absolutely necessary. 

My husband got up Monday morning still sick, called and cancelled his entire day of patients, made the girls breakfast, lunch and dinner (which included some ridiculously yummy chicken soup that Scooter could not get enough of!) changed all of the diapers, cleaned the kitchen, fed me sprite and broth, and finished the day on the lawn mower completing the task that he had started the day before.  I ate the broth and drank the sprite.  Period. 

I have had the worst year of my entire life hands down.  But somehow, in the midst of it all, it has been one of the best years of my life thanks to a man that has strong faith, courage beyond comprehension, determination and a love for me that surpasses anything I have ever dreamed of.  Not a day has gone by that he has not made me laugh or loved on me when I really needed it and the truth is he has gotten his butt kicked just as hard or harder than I have and has not stopped for a moment to rest.  God only gives you what you can handle right?  Or maybe He gives you more than you can handle but someone to walk along side you and carry you when you give out.  At least that is what He has done for me.  In my heart of hearts I know that there is not another man in the world that could have made this past year seem survivable, much less wonderful at times. 

I am thankful for many things in my life and my testimony for my love of the Lord grows everyday with the good and the bad.  But I will tell you this, I did not deserve my husband.    He was a gift that only a Father full of grace and mercy would give to me.   And truthfully, my sweet Doc is the reason that I know that there is Father in heaven that loves me unconditionally and has forgiven me for all of my sins.  If there wasn't, I would be married to a stock broker.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Chocolate Chip Muffins

There is one thing that I love about TN, it's the weather.  It is so nice here right now, at least ten degrees cooler than it is in Atlanta.  We live on over 10 acres and the owners have done a wonderful job with the land.  We have apple trees and blackberry bushes and lots of big wonderful trees.  It really is beautiful here, less the interstate that sits within stone throwing distance but why focus on the negative?

This morning we had new friends for a visit.  We were supposed to meet at the park but due to a light rain early we decided to meet here at the "farm".  It was a last minute decision that I realized was not well thought out when I walked into the kitchen and saw last nights corn on the cob still sitting on the counter.  All of the sudden I had an hour and a half to do 3 hours of work, it was on.  Two banana's and "Super Why" right out of the gate and I went on a war path battling against my house that was determined to beat me.  Obviously it does not know me very well. 

I have said it before and I will say it again.  I am not a woman of many talents, however, I am GREAT at getting my house and myself together in a very short period of time.  Give me fifteen minutes and I can prepare for a friend to stop by, give me an hour and you can bring the president for all I care.  I had an hour and a half and knew I was well within my range to make it happen.  So I did dishes, wiped down a bathroom, made beds, folded laundry, fed and clothed both girls, and mopped the kitchen floor all between 7:15 and 8:30.  And then it happened, my over-achiever set in and I could NOT put it to rest.  All of the sudden I was determined that in the next 30 minutes I was going to not only shower and get myself together but I was going to make a yummy breakfast treat to share with our new friends.  I preheated the oven and surveyed the kitchen for ingredients. Flour, eggs, vanilla, rice milk, butter, sugar, baking powder and whatever main ingredient could make a muffin.  Today's inventory offered cinnamon or chocolate chips, I chose the latter. 

I love google.  It is amazing to me that I can type in "easy chocolate chip muffins" and get a recipe in about 7 seconds.  It was 8:40 AM and I had my recipe and ingredients.  At 8:47 AM I was talking to Doc and putting my giant chocolate chip muffins in the oven.  At 9:05 I was showered, dressed, and my hair was dry.  I am not kidding and I know you are either really jealous or think I am full of it but I am dead serious.  A little lip gloss and mascara and I was ready for the muffins to come out of the oven!  As luck, or bad directions, would have it my guests were a little bit late which allowed my muffins to come out of the pan and my face to cool down so it did not look like I had just gotten off the treadmill before they arrived (we don't have a treadmill, but you get it).  

We had a great time.  Scooter and Pdub made a new friend, a four year old little boy who was precious and patient with my two crazy girls.  I met someone who does not think we are completely crazy, or at least didn't act like she did.  Oh and as a bonus she brought me a Starbucks and the muffins, despite the rice milk, were DELICIOUS!! I will post the link on my recipe list. 

So here I am, chores done, having another muffin (shut up), girls sleeping, socially satisfied and finding myself for the first time in a long time enjoying my day in Franklin TN!!  Don't you dare tell anyone I said that! Plus, (I know how could it get any better?), I am having small group tonight at Steph's house and she is by far one of my favorite Franklin TN people.  Who knows friends things may be turning around. Lord knows we are due for an easy Fall.  ,

Matthew 5:4 tells us "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." What an amazing Lord I have.  I have mourned more in the last 6 months than I have in 35 years.  Yet still I find comfort somewhere everyday.  Some days in my children, some days in the arms of my sweet Doc, today it was in the heart of a new friend,  a precious little boy and a yummy chocolate chip muffin. 

Love and Blessings,


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sink or Walk on Water?

This weekend we threw a surprise party for my mom.  She was 60 years old on the tenth of this month.  Somehow, some way, by some miracle, I was able to pull it off even in the midst of our chaos.  It was wonderful.  She was surprised (so she says) and we were tickled to honor her.  She deserved a party much bigger than we could afford, but she was beyond happy with our little party in our little club house with all of the people she loves the most on the planet. The girls were in Atlanta for a week, I was there for four days and Doc came for the weekend.  Today we drove home, or back as I say because TN still doesn't quite feel like home. 

As I drove listening to Francesca with Finding Nemo in the background I thought of about a thousand things.  I thought about my family and the hell that some of them are going through right now.  I thought about our girls and how much fun they had with their cousins and their grandparents. I thought about how much I have always hated leaving my mom standing in her driveway knowing that she is trying not to cry before I get out of sight.  I have never really been a "misser" for lack of a better word.  I have never remember missing anything or anyone. I have always been very independent of anyone else and though I loved them all, I never really missed them if I was away for an extended period or maybe just in a phase of life that did not include them.  Until I met Doc.  When I met him my heart changed.  All of the sudden I not only missed someone when they were away, but I wondered how I would ever breathe again if they never came back.  It changed my heart.  It changed my life.   Honestly, it made me a sap. 

So as I drove "back" home today I missed everything.  I missed our condo on Powers Ferry Trace.  I missed cooking for Doc and Brett and watching them both eat like it was the first meal they had eaten in weeks!  I missed Doc being in school and our evenings together when we first got married.  I missed having lunch with my daddy. I missed drinking red wine with Sam, Priss and Kel.  I missed our church.  I missed my girls that I have watched grow up for the last 8 years.  I missed my sister and brother, everything about them both.  I missed saying goodbye to my mom knowing I would see her in a week or a day!  I missed my little boy who should have been making his first appearance in Atlanta.  I missed my Nana even though she was the last person I saw before we left today.  I missed Starbucks with Meg.  I missed  girls night  with Billy and "emergency" phone calls that resulted in cold beer and long talks. I missed Houston's and Cafe Intermezzo and the Brazilian Bakery!! I missed home and I cried as I got closer to it. 

I don't pretend to understand God's plan for my life.  I just continue to be tickled to death that He has one.  But I would be lying to you if I said that I don't look around Franklin TN and really wonder if this is really it. How can I live in a place that is so wonderful and not enjoy it at all?  I think about people that I have met since I have been here.  People that have been here for years and still don't like it here.  People that have accepted their fate but when you ask them if it's home, regardless of their answer, their face says no.   I don't want to be one of those people.  How fair would that be to my kids, to my husband?  I don't want to wake up in five years still wondering if I will ever get to go home.  I want to wake up in five years and BE home, even if that's in TN. 

Tonight I am sitting on my couch, watching the Red Skins play the Cowboys with Doc and looking around this rental house wondering what it's going to take.  Another place to live? A new couch? A new look?  A new friend? What is it going to take to make Franklin TN feel less like the vacation from hell and more like a home for me and my sweet little family.  You are wondering what I came up with aren't you?? Well hold on to your hats folks because here it comes!!  NOTHING.  NADA.  ZIP!!!  I have no idea what it's going to take and any suggestions are welcomed.

So instead I will trust, lean, ask, be tickled with Him and His plan. I will continue to pray that He will change my heart and my mind.  I have faith that just like he tenderly dresses my wounds everyday making me a little bit stronger, He will help me find my place in Franklin TN in His time, in His way.  And until I am settled I will rest in Him, with Him, knowing that He knows best even when it seems to me like He may have missed the boat on this one.  Who I am fooling? He doesn't even need the darn boat. 



Tuesday, September 7, 2010

This I know.

It is Tuesday morning and I am sitting in my bed chatting with you.  There is no one standing beside me asking me for a snack, no dirty diaper to change, no paci to look for, and no fussing to be heard...it is entirely too quiet.  For the first time in three years someone has both of my babies and I am still at home.  Now you would think I would be dancing around the house naked or laying on the couch eating whatever I wanted, or hell, still asleep! But no, I am awake thanks to my phone ringing five times between the hours of 8 and 9 and my poor body still recovering from all of the meds they pushed in me in the last two weeks!  Oh, I have not told you that!  You will not believe this, I had to go BACK to the hospital. 

The last six months of my life is kinda like being on that show candid camera.  Do you remember that show?  They would hide a camera and play a practical joke on someone and then say " Smile! You're on candid camera!"  Sometimes the jokee (for lack of a better word) would smile and laugh and other times they would knock the crap out of the person standing beside them and walk out of the room.  I would be the latter.  Anyway, without going into too much detail I will tell you the basics. Wednesday night I was sick the entire night with pain, Thursday my midwife and trusted friend advised me to go to Vanderbilt, Thursday afternoon Doc cleared the calendar AGAIN and off we went, Thursday night Janet arrived AGAIN (we are going to have to get that woman a helicopter!), Friday AM after an ultrasound, a pelvic, a rectal exam (no I am not kidding) and a CT scan of my entire abdomen, they sent me home with a muddied bill of health saying that nothing MAJOR was wrong.  All be it for me to argue with the doctors but in the last 6 months I have buried a little boy, miscarried a baby and lost enough O+ blood to keep the Red Cross stocked for a week...I would say that is plenty of "major" wouldn't you?

So my sweet mother came and helped and took my girls home with her to give us a much needed moment to recoup from the hell that has been our lives for the last 6 months.  We have had a great time eating, sleeping and spending money.  It's like a mini vacation in Nashville!  Doc has spoiled me rotten (what's new?) and we have had some much needed laughter! Oh and as a bonus mom left us her Volvo convertible and the weather has been GREAT!  We have been riding TOP DOWN and loving every minute of it. 

So here I sit, it is Tuesday and my kids have been gone for a month, no wait a week, okay two nights but it feels like a month.  I love my babies, they are my world and honestly all I know here in TN.  I have NO idea what to do today.  I am taking Doc lunch and I plan to clean the bathroom.  That's it.  Pathetic huh!?  Don't feel sorry for me. I love that my life is my family.  I love that my girls are my BFFs.  I love that without them and Doc I am bored to tears because that means that where I am supposed to be is WITH them!! 

As I sit here and type I think of my sweet greedy Jesus up there rocking my two babies that He took from me in 2010.  I imagine what they look like and how they smell.  I think of how lucky they are that they get to sit in His lap already when the rest of us struggle on this earth waiting for our turn.  My heart is both breaking and rejoicing at the same time missing being pregnant and knowing that I should have a little boy sleeping beside me as I write.  I have grief that at times seems too heavy to carry and I am constantly praying that He will lighten it just a bit.  I remind myself daily that my time on this earth is like a drop of water in the ocean compared to eternity.  This always brings a smile to my face because eternity is where I will see all of my babies and my Father that has blessed me with them.  I rest in the fact that in my 35 years the last five have made my life worth living and the last 6 months have not for a moment taken away from that.  It makes me smile knowing that my heart is so filled with Him and my life with His mercy and grace that I can suffer so much loss and still fill so much love, what a wonderful Lord He is.  I pray that if you feel lost or sad that you will turn to the One that can bring you joy in the midst of sorrow and love in the midst of hate.  I pray that you are reminded that this life is not your eternity, this is not what you are living for, and today is not all there is for you.  Keep you heads up and your hearts full my friends, heaven awaits!