Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sink or Walk on Water?

This weekend we threw a surprise party for my mom.  She was 60 years old on the tenth of this month.  Somehow, some way, by some miracle, I was able to pull it off even in the midst of our chaos.  It was wonderful.  She was surprised (so she says) and we were tickled to honor her.  She deserved a party much bigger than we could afford, but she was beyond happy with our little party in our little club house with all of the people she loves the most on the planet. The girls were in Atlanta for a week, I was there for four days and Doc came for the weekend.  Today we drove home, or back as I say because TN still doesn't quite feel like home. 

As I drove listening to Francesca with Finding Nemo in the background I thought of about a thousand things.  I thought about my family and the hell that some of them are going through right now.  I thought about our girls and how much fun they had with their cousins and their grandparents. I thought about how much I have always hated leaving my mom standing in her driveway knowing that she is trying not to cry before I get out of sight.  I have never really been a "misser" for lack of a better word.  I have never remember missing anything or anyone. I have always been very independent of anyone else and though I loved them all, I never really missed them if I was away for an extended period or maybe just in a phase of life that did not include them.  Until I met Doc.  When I met him my heart changed.  All of the sudden I not only missed someone when they were away, but I wondered how I would ever breathe again if they never came back.  It changed my heart.  It changed my life.   Honestly, it made me a sap. 

So as I drove "back" home today I missed everything.  I missed our condo on Powers Ferry Trace.  I missed cooking for Doc and Brett and watching them both eat like it was the first meal they had eaten in weeks!  I missed Doc being in school and our evenings together when we first got married.  I missed having lunch with my daddy. I missed drinking red wine with Sam, Priss and Kel.  I missed our church.  I missed my girls that I have watched grow up for the last 8 years.  I missed my sister and brother, everything about them both.  I missed saying goodbye to my mom knowing I would see her in a week or a day!  I missed my little boy who should have been making his first appearance in Atlanta.  I missed my Nana even though she was the last person I saw before we left today.  I missed Starbucks with Meg.  I missed  girls night  with Billy and "emergency" phone calls that resulted in cold beer and long talks. I missed Houston's and Cafe Intermezzo and the Brazilian Bakery!! I missed home and I cried as I got closer to it. 

I don't pretend to understand God's plan for my life.  I just continue to be tickled to death that He has one.  But I would be lying to you if I said that I don't look around Franklin TN and really wonder if this is really it. How can I live in a place that is so wonderful and not enjoy it at all?  I think about people that I have met since I have been here.  People that have been here for years and still don't like it here.  People that have accepted their fate but when you ask them if it's home, regardless of their answer, their face says no.   I don't want to be one of those people.  How fair would that be to my kids, to my husband?  I don't want to wake up in five years still wondering if I will ever get to go home.  I want to wake up in five years and BE home, even if that's in TN. 

Tonight I am sitting on my couch, watching the Red Skins play the Cowboys with Doc and looking around this rental house wondering what it's going to take.  Another place to live? A new couch? A new look?  A new friend? What is it going to take to make Franklin TN feel less like the vacation from hell and more like a home for me and my sweet little family.  You are wondering what I came up with aren't you?? Well hold on to your hats folks because here it comes!!  NOTHING.  NADA.  ZIP!!!  I have no idea what it's going to take and any suggestions are welcomed.

So instead I will trust, lean, ask, be tickled with Him and His plan. I will continue to pray that He will change my heart and my mind.  I have faith that just like he tenderly dresses my wounds everyday making me a little bit stronger, He will help me find my place in Franklin TN in His time, in His way.  And until I am settled I will rest in Him, with Him, knowing that He knows best even when it seems to me like He may have missed the boat on this one.  Who I am fooling? He doesn't even need the darn boat. 



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