Psalm 91 - Presley Rose

I am an addict.  It is in me, it runs through my blood.  In my other life, which is what I call life before Doc, I was a smoker and a drinker.  Truth be told, I loved both and if they weren't body and relationship killers I would still be smoking a Marlboro Light and drinking a glass of red wine every night.  Addiction runs in my family and we all use stress as an excuse.  Our addictions range from heavy drugs to marshmallows and everything in between.  It's the devil, he is in us, all of us.  When Doc and I got married I quit smoking and drinking.  It has been six years since I have had either.  I would say that if I had to pick something that I replaced them with it would be coffee. That would be my latest addiction.  Not the caffeine because I drink decaf 99% of the time.  Just the coffee.  It soothes me and when I am stressed, like today, I could drink a whole pot.  But as luck would have it I made a deal with one of my favorites and I have vowed to give up coffee in return for his cigarettes.  Days like this it seems like a ridiculous trade, but a deal is a deal and truthfully if he quits I will never drink another cup.  So, today my drug of choice (don't laugh) is hot coconut mango tea.  Oh the life of a chiropractors wife. ;) 

So here I sit typing away drinking my hot tea wishing it was glass of red wine and trying hard not to be stressed.  You see one of my babies doesn't feel good.  And tomorrow will be her second trip to the doctor in her entire life.  Yes, I said second.  Her first was for a purple cast last summer.  My sweet Presley's eyes are bothering her and we have decided it is time to have them checked.  If you know us, you know this was a thought out decision.  We are parents who don't do check ups or sick visits.We have a high deductible plan because in our family insurance is for emergencies.  So for us to concede to take our two year old to an ophthalmologist when she has never even seen a pediatrician, you could say is a big deal. Now don't misunderstand. We are not panicked and we have no reason to believe that it is anything alarming.  But she has complained enough and we have seen enough signs to have her checked out.  Hence the hot tea. 

When you lose a little one, suddenly the mortality of the ones you can still hold becomes terribly obvious. Almost to a hindrance of good choices and sanity at times.  I make myself crazy praying for my girls and their health.  Begging, pleading for them to outlive me because the idea, the thought, the reality of ever losing them takes my breath and makes me feel as if I could vomit.  I check on their breathing at night.  I am horribly aware of anything that changes on their bodies or just in their eyes.  I can tell by their breath how they feel even without complaint.  These little people, the girls, these precious babies are the reason that I live and I am ashamed of the fear I have of losing one of them.  Ashamed that I do not have more trust when it comes to their precious little lives.  And so I pray and I drink tea and I search for peace in the only place I know to find it. 

My life if full of believers and the more I connect the more I realize the importance of surrounding myself with people that know the Word and will direct me when I am lost.  This morning I asked a special group of women to pray for my sweet girl and one of them, whom I have never met, directed me.  She recommended that I pray this over my sweet girl using her name.  I have typed it as if I would read it asking that if you are in a place where it is appropriate that you would read it out loud for us.  You have all carried us for so long and I appreciate, once again, any and all prayers for our family and for our sweet girls.  Our appointment is tomorrow at 8:15 CST.  I will give you all an update as soon as we are done. 

Psalm 91
You, Presley, who sits down in the High God's presence,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you, Presley, are perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing Presley—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You will stand untouched Presley, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you sweet baby girl,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you Presley wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.
AMEN!!!!

Thank you as always for reading, but most of all for praying!!
Melanie

Happy Birthday Kathryne

Sweet Kathryne,

You are four years old and in some ways it seems like you were just born.  Your birthday was Thursday and on Wednesday night I laid awake remembering your birth.  I thought about that day and that night.  I smiled thinking of how fun it would be to tell you the story one day.  The story of Uncle Michael and daddy standing in the parking lot at the beginning of my labor talking and expecting a normal night. The story of your Nana and Aunt Kasey coming to visit and you unexpectedly making your way into the world.  The story of your daddy and I trying to stop you from coming and how you, just like you still do, made sure that you got exactly what you wanted.  The story of Janet and Aunt Sissy and Big coming in the snow as quickly as they could so that they would be there when you took your first breath.  The story of Uncle Brett and Sam and Aunt Patty and Courtney making their way through bad weather, determined to be one of the the first to hold you.  It was, it is, a great story.  A beautiful story about a miracle, about hundreds of answered prayers.  A story of grace and mercy offered only from our Creator.  A story of a mama that wanted a baby so badly that her heart may have exploded if you hadn't been born.  A story of a little girl that changed the world for more people than she will ever know.  A little girl that stole the hearts of many and restored the souls of others.  It is your story my sweet Kathryne Elaine Hall and it never gets old and it is always as sweet as it was the day you were born. 

Janet came to visit you right before your birthday and Nana was here to celebrate.  We had "chips and sauce and mole" at your request and I made you a banana chocolate chip cake.  You wore a beautiful dress that Janet bought you, your birthday dress.  Today we had a party with some of your friends.  It was at a place called Story Book Village.  We had a gluten free chocolate cake that Nana helped dress up with marshmallows and sprinkles.  Pink of course.  You wore your birthday dress again.  ;) It was a lot of fun. 

Kathryne, mama and daddy love you very much. You are a sweet, smart, beautiful little girl with a very special heart.  Not a day goes by that we do not smile at the miracle that you are and praise Him from the rooftops for giving you to us.  You are bright and funny.  You are a good sister and daddy is certain that Jesus sent you to mommy to help take care of Presley.  Honestly, you take care of me too.   There are days that I am not sure what I would do without you.   I think we are probably too hard on you.  And maybe we always have been.  You are older than your age in a lot of ways.  If there is one thing that I would tell you it would be to have more fun.  You are serious and you are deliberate in most everything you do.  You are your daddy.  ;)  Our lives are full of pink and glitter and princesses because of you and neither of us would trade a minute of it!!! You believe that Jesus made the sky pink just for you but you are not real sure about Santa Claus.  That makes me think we are doing something right. 

This year we will learn more stuff and have more fun.  We will be silly and messy and drive daddy crazy! We will enjoy everyday that best that we can, I promise.  You want to be a Ballerina when you grow up.  Daddy says that is okay as long as that is your second job.  The first being an U.C. Doctor of course. Time is going by faster than we would like and you are growing up right before our eyes.  We could not be prouder of you. We pray for your health, your heart, your salvation and your future everyday, all of the time.  We trust that Jesus hears our prayers and that He will do exactly what He sees fit.  We look forward to seeing what He has in store for you tomorrow! 

Happy Birthday baby girl. 
We love you bigger than the whole sky.
Mama, Daddy and Sissy.

Luke 18:16

When you lose a child you realize two things  First, there is no way to explain the pain in words and second, most of the people that say they understand do not.  I realized this when we lost our boy.  I realized that everyone that loved us, everyone that was there for us, everyone that wanted so desperately to understand, did not.  No one in our world on this earth understood the pain, the frustration, the questions, the hole, the absence, the anger, the rage, the sadness, the desperation that we felt, no one......except Kelly.


I have known Kelly longer than I care to admit because it reminds me that I am fast approaching 40.  She is one of my favorites.  One of the people that I love most in the whole world.  And she, unfortunately, is the only person that I knew in March of 2010 that understood exactly how we felt when God took our little boy to heaven.  Almost 12 years ago God took one of hers to heaven.  Hunter was 3 years old.  Over the last 12 years I have talked to Kelly about Hunter countless times.  Not because I wanted her to re-live her sadness, but because I wanted to understand.  I wanted to hear about this little boy that she loved so much.  I wanted to remember with her and be part of that life so that I understood on the days that it seemed no one did.  I realized after I had Kathryne that no matter how badly I wanted to understand what Kelly had been through, no matter how much I loved her, I did not have a clue. 

The way a parent loves a child is not something that is learned.  It is all consuming, unwavering, unconditional love that you will never understand until you have one of your own to nurture and take care of.  I realized this the moment I held Kathryne.   It was then that I knew that I would never understand what Kelly had endured.  I would never truly grasp the loss that she had faced.  Well at least not for a few years to come. 

With my family grew my faith.  My love for my Lord grew daily as I watched my belly grow with each pregnancy and my family grow with each birth.  The girls were undeserved grace slapping me in the face on a daily, moment to moment, basis.  I was in awe at the love my heavenly Father must have for me. I knew, I knew all I had done, all of my garbage, all of my sin and at times I wondered "does HE know!?"  Because certainly I had to have slipped a few things by Him.  Otherwise I would never have met Doc and birthed these amazing, beautiful, healthy children. 

As I watched my girls sleep night after night, each breath even more precious than the last, I asked Him.  "How?  How could you have let your child die for me?  How could you have sacrificed someone you love like this for all of the ugly, selfish, greedy sinners in the world?  How did you breathe when you knew it was coming?  How did you watch Him be beaten and tortured?  How did you watch Him take him last breath and not die with Him?!?"  I did not understand.  Nor did I want too.  But I was beyond grateful for the sacrifice that would allow me to live for eternity with these little people that held my heart.

On March 4, 2010 I began to understand all that I never wanted too.  I began to understand how my sweet Kelly felt year after year.  I began to imagine her loss and her anger.  I began to grasp the reality of what life feels like when you bury a child.  It was then and only then that I had a glimpse of what my Lord had truly done for me and I was blown away.  I woke up three days later from a medical fog and we buried our little boy.   The reality of what happened would set in over the months that followed.  Phone call after phone call of people telling us how sorry they are and how life goes on.  Giving what seems like appropriate encouragement filled with "at least you have the girls" and "focus on your blessings" each time us realizing more and more that no one really understood, no one except Kelly and God. 

Kelly and God were the only two people in my life that had lost a son and could possible understand how I felt.  So that is who I turned too.  I called Kelly and she cried with me.  I could text her one word and she would know what I meant.  She came to see me and let me tell her the entire, gory, nightmare that was the birth of my son and listened intently to every word.  She knew she could not make it okay.  She knew she could not take away the pain I felt, so instead she endured it with me.  At  night it was me and Him.  I would beg Him to take he pain away.  I would tell Him how I understood what He had done more than I ever wanted too.  I would thank Him.  Thank Him for grace, for mercy, and yes for helping me to understand what He had done for me and those I love. Over the last 18 months I have turned to both of them countless times. March came and went, and I survived. During the toughest times I prayed and He answered. I called and she listened. Now that I am through the fog I realize what a blessing it is for me to share my greatest tragedy with one of my best friends and my Heavenly Father.

November is Kelly's March.  As it approaches I am praying incessantly.  Praying for peace for her heart.  Praying that He wraps her up in His arms and comforts her like no one can.  Praying that I have the right words or the appropriate silence, whichever she may need. I am reminded that our sons Bennett and Hunter, though not in our arms here on earth, are in Heaven sitting on the lap of His son Jesus, waiting to spend eternity with us.  And with this, today, not everyday, but today, I smile.  I love you Kelly. 

But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." Luke 18:16.

Happy 2nd Birthday Presley Rose!

Presley Rose,

Happy Birthday my sweet girl.  Today you are two years old and as much as it feels like the time has flown by, in many ways the last two years have felt like a decade.  As I watch you play today I am amazed.  Amazed at the gift that you are.  Amazed at the grace of my Lord.  Amazed at His timing.  You see my sweet girl, your birth marked the beginning of the hardest season of our lives.  A season where we have struggled in every way possible and felt more lost and more loss than we ever imagined.  A season where loneliness and hopelessness were at the tip of every day waiting, with the devil, to take over our home and our hearts.  And then there was Presley Rose.  This beautiful tiny little person that Jesus sent to us knowing that if we had you, we would never quit no matter how hard it seemed or how tired we were.  And so it was. 

On the days that daddy worked 16 hours and I was home with you and Kathryne feeling lonely and lost there you were needing to nurse, or be changed, or be held.  When your brother came and went in a day, there you were not even a year old, needing only mommy. A gentle, beautiful reminder that life goes on even in death and our blessings out weighed our sadness infinitely.  The year that has followed we have watched you grow and learn and finally get hair ;)  and we have laughed more than we ever imagined.  The days that I feel like I have had all I can stand your daddy will smile and look at you and your sister and say, "look at those girls, what do we have to complain about? What else could we possibly want?" He is right.  You and that big sister of yours are more than we ever deserved or imagined.  A blatant act of love and mercy from our Lord and Saviour. 

Today you are two and you are funny and beautiful and spunky and obstanant and loving and in a purple cast up to your left hip ;).  The first of many boo boos I am afraid.  You, my sweet girl, are wild and wide open.  Nothing is stoping you and everything is yours to be had.  Daddy and I watch and laugh and shake our heads at the glimpse of  our future with you.   I fear that motorcycles and sky diving are a part of that future.  You are your mama made over.  Tough and full of energy with a hint of mean, just enough to get through anything that may stand in your way.  Your daddy knows he is in for the ride of his life with you and he cannot wait!!  You have white blonde curls and giant blue eyes that fill up your face complimented by a dimple on the left side that matches Uncle Brett's. 

There is absolutely no way to tell you how much we love you or what you mean to us.  All I can say is that you are a gift that we did not deserve but that we cherish with everything that we have.  You bring laughter and fun into our lives and our home and that is something we have needed more than ever over the last two years.  We pray for you every day.  For your health, your future, your husband, your heart.  We know we cannot protect your from the world, but we are asking Jesus to give us the tools to prepare you.  Watching you grow delights us and gives us so much to look forward to.  You my sweet Pdub are a mommy's girl, you and your sister are best friend's and your smile lights up your daddy's world!! Like I said, Jesus knew just what He was doing. 

Happy Birthday Presley Rose. 

We love you bigger than the whole sky. 

Mommy, Daddy and Kathryne (Sissy)

 

Dear Scooter......

Dear Scooter,

You are three years old!!  We had a great birthday party.  We went to Jump Zone with all of your new friends and came home to eat the cup cakes you baked!!  I took you shopping and you picked out your very own birthday dress which you wore for three days straight including to bed. Then we met Big and Janet at the Aqaurium and they brought you two BIG surprises, Madison and Carson!!  It was so much fun!  You ran through that aqaurium loving every second of their attention even more than you loved the fish.  Overall I would say it was a great 3rd birthday.  Daddy and I did not get you an actual present because you got plenty from everyone else.  But I wanted to write to you and tell you a little bit about who you are and what we wish for you. 

At three years old you are more like an 8 year old.  You are well spoken and funny.  You have good manners and you are polite.  You eat well, you play well and you are a lot of fun to be around.  You are grown up for your age in a lot of ways.  I am not sure if that is our fault or just your spirit but regardless it makes you one of my very best friends.  Truthfully there are days that I am not sure I would have gotten through without you.  You take care of me as much as I take of you.  You have a big heart and a great memory.  You love to make us proud and to make us feel good.  You have a little of me in you and a lot of your daddy, a combination I would say is just about right for a lot of fun and success.  You have an old spirit.  You are wise beyond your years and very aware of what is going on around you.  You read people well and you don't trust right away. Daddy and I are very proud of you and pray everyday that we are letting you have a lot of fun but raising you to be the young lady that we know you can be.

I can promise you we are not going to get it right every time, we have already made plenty of mistakes.  We are so blessed that you have a forgiving heart and wake up the next day loving us just as much!  We pray for your future, for the friends that you make, for the choices that you make.  We pray for your health and for strength in your little body.  We pray for wisdom in teaching you right from wrong and the consequences that come with what you choose.  We plead with God to fill us with the knowledge that we need to protect you from the mistakes that we have made and to lead you on the path to make the wise choice.  We watch you grow and listen to you talk and see what we are doing right and what we are doing wrong all the time thanking Jesus that the right outweigh the wrong for now. 

We know there will be a time when your choices are yours to make, not ours.  A time when protecting you is more about praying than it is about leading.  A time when you don't ask what we think before you jump.  And we pray that all of the laughter and tears and moments and teaching and leading fills that heart of yours at those times.  There will be moments that you fall and we will pick you up, everytime.  Not because you deserve it but because we love you like Jesus loves us and you will always receive grace from us as we do from Him. 

Scooter, the last three years went by like a long month of winter.  The moments seemed to last forever, but the years went by with a blink.  All I can imagine is that one day I am going to wake up and you are going to be 10, 20, 25.  You won't crawl in my bed in the middle of the night, you won't need me to make your breakfast, I won't need me to kiss your boo boo's away, I won't need to be there to help you dress or tell you which shoe goes on which foot and I will miss every single one of those things more than you will ever understand.  Well at least until you are a mom, and then you will understand perfectly.

Sweet Kathryne Elaine, you have blessed us more than you will ever know.  I still remember being pregnant with you and getting on my knees in the bathroom stall  in that Buckhead high rise begging God to let me keep you.  Pleading with him to keep you healthy and protect me from the miscarriage that seemed so close in that first three months.  I remember laying next to your daddy at night and falling asleep with his hand on my belly praying over you.  We wanted you so badly.  We told the Lord if you were the only one we ever got you would be enough.  You little sister proved us wrong. ;)  But my sweet Scooter, you are more than enough.  You are a precious gift that we are so humbled by daily.  Our Lord has clearly forgiven us for all of our sins, and you my sweet baby girl, are living proof of that. 

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

This is the best advice that we can give you my sweet girl.  We can teach you and lead you and help you and raise you but if you live your life based on this scripture you will be more successful than we could ever hope for.  I pray that as you grow you understand that more and more.  For now, we will enjoy your sweet little prayers every night that end with "prayers to Jesus amen". 

Happy Birthday Kathryne Elaine Hall,
We love you bigger than the whole sky!!
Mama, Daddy and Sissy

Sick and sick of it.

I have two sick kids.  I am sure you are thinking, "yeah so what? You and half of the country have two sick kids, it is the middle of November".  I know that you are right but in my world, at my house, sick kids are not only abnormal they are typically absent.  We don't have sick kids.  I have two girls, one will be three in January and the other is 18 months.  Up until two days ago neither of them had ever taken anything over the counter, prescription, or homeopathic for any kind of ailment (other than a few teething tablets on the worst of days).  Not today my friends, today my kids are running around this house with dripping noses and dry coughs as they fight off what is commonly known as the croup.  They are loaded up with elderberry syrup and drosera tablets (you didn't really think I was going to say robitussin and tylenol did you!?) and down for a nap an hour and a half early. Thank God. 

I have realized over the last four days that there is a reason God paired me with a man that was educated enough to know that with the right food and proper spinal alignment you can prevent a lot of the everyday kid crud that most families fight all winter.  I am certain that the reason I was paired with this man known as Doc is because if I was married to someone that did not know this and my kids were sick all winter, I would lose my mind.  Don't get me wrong, I feel so bad for my little people!! They are pitiful and I have juiced more oranges and wiped more noses than I ever thought possible in the last week and will continue to do so until they are well.  I am just praying that comes before I need a straight jacket to keep me from drowning myself in the kitchen sink that is constantly full of dirty water and the parts to the juicer. 

The purple skirt. 

I am just being honest here friends. I love my life, I love staying at home with my kids and wouldn't trade it for the world.  However, staying home with two healthy fun toddlers is completely different than staying home with two sick and whiny kids that cry or scream every time you say no, or yes, or anything for that matter!  I have an 18 month old that feels so bad that if you look in her direction she slings whatever she is playing with at you and walks off crying.  I am not kidding.  And the meltdown of the day goes to Scooter who realized, today of all days, that her purple skirt that she wears almost everyday no longer fits her comfortably.  Which doesn't seem like a big deal except for the fact that this is apparently the ONLY outfit in the entire house that allows her to dance freely and goes with her red sequined shoes.  I tell you what, if I had a little more Janet in me, those shoes would have been flushed down the toilet at 8:24 AM this morning.  Just sayin'.  

The red shoes (and a really cute kid in a blue bow).

So here I sit covered in snot and elderberry syrup, fantastically sleep deprived and sipping on a decaf cup of coffee that my favorite person of the day brought to me when she dropped off the soup that became Doc's lunch.  There are angels among us friends, and today mine is Presley's favorite Ms. Anita.  So, that's it in a nut shell.  I can't decide if I am going to nap or do yoga but whatever I do I better do it fast before the croup screws up my few moments of sanity I have been gifted (not because I deserve them I assure you).  I am off to stretch out one way or the other.  It's November, the month of Thanksgiving, and today I am thankful for a smart husband, a great friend and hot coffee.  Have a blessed day friends!

xoxoxo,

Melanie

Sweet Greedy Jesus.

I hope that you have a cup a coffee in hand and a few minutes to spare because this is going to be quite an entry.  First, let me start at the beginning.  July.  In the first weeks of July we found out that we were pregnant with our fourth child.  Thrilled, but apprehensive we decided not to share our news with anyone until we were through our first trimester September 1, 2010.  Below is the first entry of Hall baby # 4's journal. 

Monday, July 12, 2010
Hello Sweet Little One,
What a WONDERFUL surprise!! We are so excited that you are here. We found out about you on July 7, but we had a feeling the weekend before that you had shown up! ;). I am almost 5 weeks pregnant, and so far I feel great. I have been really tired, which is completely normal. Thankfully, my tummy has felt better than I expected, which is such a blessing! You are due to arrive March 16, 2011. We have not told anyone about you just yet, because we do not want them to worry! We lost your brother March 4, 2010 and I think the Lord’s timing is amazing! What a blessing to have you around the same time, Joy meets Sorrow ;). I promise to take very good care of you. I am being very tender with my body. Eating well, walking some and napping and sleeping as much as I can so that you have the best opportunity to grow and thrive. You hang in there sweet baby. We want you more than you will ever know!! We love you bigger than the whole sky!! Mama and Daddy.

I spent the first weeks excited and scared to death.  But once we were about 7 weeks in with no problems, the anxiety started to fade and I spent the next weeks smiling and rubbing my tummy.  God is amazing, here he has given us another baby right at a very difficult time in our lives that is due in March, right at our sweet Bennett's birthday.  He knows just what we need!!

July 20, 2010
Hello little one. We are almost 6 weeks along and so far you are doing just fine! We are very excited that you are here. We have not told many people about you, because we want you to be our little miracle and we are waiting to give them all a BIG surprise. Jeff Buffo and Sean Totten and Uncle Mike are the only ones that know right now. Oh and our midwives Stacie and Debbie. Scooter knows too even though she is not quite big enough to understand. We have our first appt with Stacie on August 11, we will be through 9 weeks by then. I am taking good care of you, feeding you well and resting when I can. I have been really tired, but my tummy has felt pretty good so I am grateful for that. Daddy is very excited that you are here and we pray for your health every night. We love you sweet one. Mommy and Daddy.

As August approached my anxiety faded and was replaced by guilt and sadness for me sweet little boy that was due to arrive on August 13.  We told a few more people and still had no problems with the pregnancy.  I had some nausea and some other pregnancy symptoms which we welcomed but other than that we were cruising right along!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010
Hi Sweet Baby, It’s your mama again. We are just over 8 weeks along and everything is going really well. We have told just a few more people including Aunt Sissy. She is SO EXCITED!! I feel good. I have a lot of nausea and I am pretty tired, but overall I am feeling great. I have gained quite a bit of weight already, which is unusual for me in the first trimester. I think I have gained at least 5 lbs! But, I’ll take it, its better than gaining no weight! We are all trying to stay cool in the hot summer here in Franklin TN. Daddy is really busy and the business is going well. The girls are having fun playing inside and out together. So far, I think you are a boy, but truthfully boy or girl I am going to be so excited when you are here and healthy!! I love you little one and so does daddy. He rubs on my belly every night. So if you are wondering where the massage is coming from, it’s him. MMWA!

At my ninth week of pregnancy, we had our first midwife appointment scheduled.  It happened to be the same day that my mother in law was coming into town.  We still intended to wait to tell everyone, but in the middle of a crazy day sweet Doc let the cat out of the bag and told his mama that we were going to the midwife.  So, that evening after our appointment I called and shared the news with Janet and Big.  Everyone was SO excited and even more excited that we were having such an uneventful pregnancy. 

When you have lost a baby later in the pregnancy, the fear of losing one early is not near as strong as the fear that grows inside of you the further along you get.  I had accepted that we had a great chance of an early miscarriage and was ready for it if it came.  It was the later weeks that I was worried about.  The further along I got the more I pleaded with God to keep me healthy and protect my baby.  At ten weeks we were doing just fine.  My mother in law had come for a visit, my brother had visited and my mom and dad were here for a weekend, last weekend as a matter of fact. 

On Monday mom and dad left and that my friends is where the nightmare begins.  Monday August 23, 2010 I started spotting.  Ten weeks and five days with no problems and then here it came.  So, as always Doc and I took it in stride.  We went to bed praying hard and got up optimistic.  As the day progressed the spotting got a little worse but not too bad, so we scheduled an ultrasound.  Now if you know us at all, you know what it took for us to schedule an ultrasound.  But we had decided that if we had a shot to keep this baby we were going to do whatever it took!  So Doc cleared his schedule, Aunt Kasey once again came to our rescue to keep the girls last minute, and off we went to Waynesboro, TN for and 11 week ultrasound of our fourth child. 

I realize that you are probably wondering why we drove an hour and a half for an ultrasound when we are twenty minutes from Nashville.  Well we knew that if we went to just any MD at 11 weeks pregnant they would insist on a vaginal ultrasound.  What sense does it make to do a vaginal ultrasound on a woman who is already threatening miscarriage??  Obviously it makes a lot of sense to most practicing OBs, but to us it is just plain stupid to put a foreign object inside of a woman who is trying desperately to keep her baby from coming out!!  It was a long drive and we talked a lot about what we would do if the results were good and what we would do if the results were bad.  We had decided that if the baby was alive, it was on! Bed rest, cramp bark, wild yam cream (hormones), whatever it took!  If the baby was not alive and it was a ten or eleven week baby we were going to go in for another D&C.  We knew the risk was too high for me to hemorrhage and to do that all over again was not an option!!

We got there at 2:30 PM and at 4:30 PM we got in the car with inconclusive results that they "were not able to find a baby" on the ultrasound.  The MD was kind, she left us with a little glimmer of hope with a story about her daughter who had an eleven week ultrasound where the baby was "hiding" and two weeks later they were able to see a perfectly healthy 13 week baby.  But deep down I think we knew.  We still prayed for a miracle and agreed to do the hormone testing the next day.  We headed home to our girls with a box of Krispy Kreme that we had both earned talking about how "lucky" we were that the baby had died early because the miscarriage would be easier on my body and we would be able to do it at home with little risk.  Now that I think about it, what you must have had to go through to be tickled about an early miscarriage...unreal.  I digress, we were home about an hour and a half later and our sweet girls sure were happy to see us!

Presley is too young to really grasp anything that is going on, but Scooter is old enough to know when something is wrong, and she knew.  That morning before we left she overheard me on the phone with our midwife and she brought me a tampon.  Later we were sitting on the couch and she said "mommy, you need to go see daddy and let him fix your tummy".  Sweet girl, she has been worried about my tummy for 10 months.  So we came in the house as if everything was fine.  The miscarriage started not long after we were home.  Truthfully, it was not fun but it was not awful.  I hung in there pretty well, texting my sister and talking to the girls in between painful cramps.  At the peak of it Doc and Kasey took the girls outside so that they would be distracted.  I called one of the midwives once I passed the part that was actually the baby.  It was not very big and really it was only a little sack with a small placenta attached. A small incomplete placenta.  And the nightmare continues. 

I called Stacie and told her what had passed and explained that the bleeding had not stopped.  She told me I had about ten more minutes before I needed to go to the hospital.  The hospital!?  Seriously!?  This was a 7 or 8 week miscarriage for crying out loud!  This should be over and done with already!!   We aren't going back to the hospital!!  Ten minutes later I called Doc who was outside with the girls and told him the news.  He came in and got things ready. I called Janet, again, to come and stay with us because we had no idea what to expect.  Little did we know at that time we really had no idea.  Kasey stayed with the girls and off we went back to Maury Regional Hospital with a bag containing a change of clothes, anti bleed, shepherds purse, and the remains of our fourth child with the same prayer we had 6 months before, "God please don't let anything bad happen to me, I have two babies at home".

We arrived at Maury Regional at about 8 PM with a sense of urgency that was not met by the staff.  I was wheeled in, asked to sign papers and given a bracelet all while I sat in the wheel chair losing more blood.  They took me back to another ER room, the nurse introduced herself and asked me if she could get me something for pain or nausea.  I explained that I had been bleeding for a while and only wanted something to stop the bleeding.  COME ON PEOPLE you have seen my history and the clothes I wore in, do something!!!  Doc tried his best to be patient but started getting antsy as I told him I was starting to feel light headed.  I laid on the bed and bled over and over again, every time the staff changed the bed and explained that the doctor would be in to assess shortly.  A few minutes later the doctor came in, I told him quickly my story and history with Bennett and the reiterated that I had been bleeding too much for too long.  He was less than reactionary and said he would be back shortly to assess the bleeding.  

Okay I get it, I do, I get that people go into the ER all of the time thinking that they are having a heart attack when they have gas, or that their kid is going to bleed to death when they really only need 10 stitches. I get that they are used to people over reacting.  But friends, we all know my history and the hospital not only has it but we told them again when we got there!!  Doc must have said six times if he said it once, " I don't understand what we are waiting on, she needs to go upstairs to Labor and Delivery for a D&C!"  They ignored him every time.  I have no idea how long the doctor was gone, all I know is that I looked at my husband and I said, "something is wrong, I don't feel good".  I heard one nurse say to the other, "she doesn't feel good, go get the doctor I'll stay with her".  That is about all I remember for the next ten minutes or so.  I heard machines going off and I know we went from two nurses to about 6 people in the room working on me at once.  I heard voices talking about low blood pressure readings, I had two different people starting IVs at once and everything was blurry.  Doc was standing next to me and I told him he needed to pray for me, he did and then they had him move to the end of the bed.  A few minutes later I broke out into a cold sweat.  My vision came back and at the end of the bed I saw my sweet Doc watching as they worked like crazy to get my blood pressure back up.  I smiled at him and nodded as if to say, "I'm back!".  He smiled back and took a breath, probably the first one he had taken in the last ten minutes.  I laid there looking at him and thinking of how grateful I was to be the one that almost bled to death rather than the one watching the most important person in my life lay in a hospital bed and unable to do a thing to help them.  Poor sweet Doc. 

Once they got my blood pressure out of the 60's and 40's and into the 80's and 50's the OB finally came in.  He mentioned a D&C and a hysterectomy. Doc almost knocked him across the room as he made it clear that we were leaving with all of the parts that we came in with.  He asked about our history, we told him about the girls and our sweet boy we had lost just 6 months ago.  He made sure to tell us to "count our blessings" which is probably our least favorite of all of the stock replies that we get when we talk about losing one of our babies.  Without going into the gory details I will tell you that we were able to leave the ER without another D&C and with my uterus ;). That and the fact that we were able to opt of the blood transfusion that the ER doc desperately wanted us to have, is the best news I have to share. 

They kept us longer than we would have liked  but we did not stay overnight.  After explaining that we gave them quite a scare they let us go home at about 3 AM.  We left with a lot of band aids, a bag of bloody towels, some paperwork on how to recover from a miscarriage (like we needed those), a prescription and without a baby, again.  On the way home Doc offered to stop at the same Waffle House we stopped at on March 14th, I declined the offer unable to stomach a meal and ready to get into my bed.  I rode home thinking about how grateful we should be that I actually got to go home to my girls.  All the way thanking God for that. 

The rest of the week is a blur.  Physically, I felt decent considering what I had been through.   I came home very anemic and exhausted.  I brought with me a headache that I still have not seemed to shake which is probably due to the anemia or all of the meds they pushed into me, I am not sure which.   Emotionally, I am pretty sure we are both still in shock.  We have not even had time to deal with the fact that we lost another baby.  Truthfully, a lot of what happened just reminded us of our boy and that made it all even harder.  I remember in the thick of things they brought in a little blue box for Doc to put the little baby sack into and as he dumped it into that box I heard him say, " I hate these boxes".  Our little boy is buried in one of those boxes.  That's two babies in two blue boxes in six months.  No wonder he hates them. 

That's it my friends.  That's the latest on the Hall family.  We have been in TN for just over a year.  We have moved twice, started a business, buried a little boy and now we can add a miscarriage to the list.  How am I feeling?  Defeated is probably the best word to describe me at this point.  Doc is the cheerleader and I am the team that is down two touchdowns in the 4th with 4 minutes left.  Just last night I all but begged him to take me home, and I don't mean for the weekend.  Actually I begged him to take me anywhere but just to get me out of TN!!  I know, I get it, "wherever you go there you are".  Do I really blame TN for the loss of my two babies? Nope.  Do I really think moving would change whatever else God has planned for us this year? Nope.  Was it a completely irrational and emotional request?  Yep.  Did I mean it? Yep.  Do I think it will happen? Absolutely not.  We are here to stay, period.  I will tell you that I am beyond happy that we do not own this house because I HATE that damn red bathroom. 

I don't know what God has planned for us.  I am not sure that we will have any more babies, right now it does not seem to make much sense to take that risk.  I have no idea how we will feel about it in a year or two but we'll see.  Today I am just happy to be home with my babies and have a husband that loves me enough to let me have a complete irrational breakdown right in the middle of the chaos that is his life.  My plan yesterday was to pack this house and move anywhere he would take me.  My plan today is to enjoy the friends we have coming to bring us lunch and to do laundry ;).

Children are a gift. We don't earn them, they are not something God owes us and we do not get them just because we want them.  I know that.  Just like any other gift they are to be cherished and handled with care knowing that at anytime we could lose them.  Today I am thankful for the two most precious gifts that are sitting in my living room playing tea party while I type.  I promise you that I did not deserve them, nor did I earn them.  I just have a Father that loved me regardless of all of my mistakes and wanted to spoil me rotten!  That's why I have these girls and that is why I have my sweet Doc. 

Though a part of me thinks that Jesus is getting a little greedy with my babies, the truth is that I was not worthy of any of them. Honestly, I am blown away by the fact that He loved me enough to not only give me two beautiful healthy girls but to also give me their father that is by far the best man I have ever met.  So today I will praise Him and thank Him and know that even in the middle of what seems like hell on earth, He loves me very much and has blessed me beyond measure.  Tomorrow, we'll see, tomorrow I may be packing the kitchen ;).

Love and Blessings,

Melanie

A little of this and a little of that.

I have had trouble this week coming up with something to talk about.  I don't know why, we have plenty going on!  I am kind of in a funk and it just doesn't seem to be coming easy the last few days.  It's so freakin hot here in Franklin TN that it is almost impossible to go outside.  So I have two girls bored to death just waiting for me to come up with something exciting to do.  I am just not really creative, my mom was much better than I am about finding things to do .  It's just not my strength. 

I have sworn off TV because Scooter has decided to replace yes or yes ma'am with mmm hmmm.  I think not my friends.  A two year old that answers you with mm hmm!?  I am positive it is from over exposure to Hannah Montana or Zack and Cody.  It's my fault.  She doesn't get to watch a lot of TV but when she does I let her pick, mistake number 1,472.  They just keep adding up!  Anyway, there goes the TV.  She is now limited to 30 minutes twice a day.  Once in the morning while I fix breakfast and once while I get Presley to sleep for her nap.  That's it.  Speaking of naps, I do have them sleeping in the same room for naps which is wonderful unless one of them wakes up  too early and then I end up with two grumpy kids on my hands by 3 PM.  Baby steps right!? 

My brother is coming this weekend.  We have a big day Saturday, a lot to look forward too.  We are going to the Loveless Cafe http://www.lovelesscafe.com/.  It's so good and really close to where we buried our little man, so we are going to go by for a visit.  I sure do miss him, especially now that he should actually be here.  It's hard knowing that we should have a little boy in the mix and not having him.  I have quite a few friends due with babies any day now and I am so excited for them, and truthfully grateful that they did not have to go through what we went through.  I would not wish it on anyone, nor would I switch places with anyone I love.  God gives us what we can handle.  Not everyone can handle losing a baby like that and I realize that.  Lucky us ;). 

I have a really close friend that lost a little one at 3 years old and I admire her so much for her strength.  I look at these girls I have and I try to figure out how I would even breathe the next day if something was to happen to one of them.  I just don't know that I could.  That's the thing about God, He knows, He knows what we can take and how much of it we can take.  He knows who is strong enough to face death, disease, divorce (I just realized how many yucky things start with a D...hmm...devil starts with a d too!!).  He knows what we are capable of surviving and what we aren't.  So we either take it as He gives it to us and move forward or we try and prove Him wrong and shut down.  Thankfully, I have two beautiful girls and an amazing husband, so I moved forward desite my urge to stay in bed and cry for months. 

Now that we are approaching his due date the sadness is not worse, I don't feel more anger or loss and I am so happy about that.  What I do feel is fear.  Fear that we will forget him.  Fear that one day when someone asks me how many babies I have had I will only number and name the ones that are living.  Fear that we will forget to honor him and remember him and let him count in our family and in our lives.  My guess is that happens a lot with death before birth because there was never really a baby  for everyone to see or hold.  So only those of us who carried and delivered these children really remember them as they deserve to be remembered.  Of course that makes perfect sense, but it seems really unfair.   

My prayer is that I will remember every single bit of the day that he was born, no matter how awful it was at the time.  Because that was Bennett's day.  March 4, 2010 is his day and regardless of how hard it was for us, he is our baby and we should remember and rejoice that we had it with him.  Thank you sweet Jesus for allowing me to carry, deliver and touch that sweet baby boy is what we should be saying everyday.  That was our time with our son, and that's all we are going to get until we join him in Heaven.  Oh my the fun we will have when we get there!! Talk about spoiled rotten!! 

I had a friend contact me and her family recently suffered a similar loss. My heart broke for her sister in law about 1000 times.  I pray that she will find some comfort somewhere because I know that in the first few weeks it seems like the harder you search for it the further away it is.  I sent her a short note and my book that I told you about "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith.  I pray that she will find some comfort in it as I did.  I may never hear from her, and that's okay.  My objective was not to make a friend.  My objecive was to let her know that she not alone in this world, and there are others who know exactly how she feels.  That helped me, so I am hoping that will help her.  I am not going to put her name on here but I would like for you to please pray for her.  Just call her Melanie's friend that lost baby Hunter. 

Thank you sweet friends.  You prayers have brought me more comfort and peace than you will ever know!  I am hoping they will do the same for her!!

Love and Blessing,

Melanie
   

August.

Well friends, it's the end of July and August is quickly approaching.  Depending on where you are in life, that could mean a lot of things.  School's starting back soon for some of you which means early morning fights with sleepy kids and late night projects with grumpy ones!  For others of you August means more traffic and earlier trips to Starbucks to start your day.  Maybe August brings you to your vacation FINALLY, and you have been wishing away July waiting for it!  Whatever August brings to you, I pray that it comes with ease and blessings. 

Unfortunately for us, August is not bringing what life promised us 9 months ago.  I sit here and I type with a heavy heart and a small belly reminded that we will not be holding our baby boy anytime soon.  I told my Doc just the other night, that even though I realize he's gone, there is still a part of me that keeps thinking that it was all a very bad dream and we will in fact wake up with our Bennett sometime in the next two weeks.  But then I realize that it was actually a very harsh reality, and he will never be here on this earth with us.  I have my babies at home, it is hard and truthfully you don't wish for labor when you have natural childbirth instead you just take it when it comes.  But I assure you that I would take days of labor as hard as it could come if I knew that at the end of it I would get to hold that sweet boy.

Sometimes I find myself frustrated with God, arguing with Him to help me to understand why we could not keep our Bennett.  I mean we are good parents, we love having babies and we try our best to take good care of them and raise them right.  I don't really understand why good parents have to lose babies when so many bad ones get to keep them.  But then I am reminded of my friends that have not even had the joy of having one healthy baby, much less two.  I am reminded of the women I know that have struggled years to get pregnant and have never seen that little blue plus sign that makes the rest of us SO HAPPY!  I think of how blessed I am, and I realize that feeling anything less than grateful seems very selfish.  Knowing that is the easy part, actually feeling that way is a different story.  Trust me when I tell you that if you lose a child, early, late, or after birth no matter how many have come before or after, you still feel like you got gypped.  You still feel like something was taken from you that was yours and  you always want it back, no matter how long it has been. 

So to be completely honest with you today I feel gypped.  I am not ungrateful for what I have, but I am not walking around blissfully happy having forgotten that I should be having a little boy any day now.  I am pissed at someone but I have no idea who. I am sad and I am a little lonely to tell you the truth. I am missing my little guy that I love so much, my big belly that I should be rubbing, restless nights of uncomfortable sleep, huge boobs filled with milk, anxiety over the labor that awaits me, missing all of it. 

So today I ask you for prayers.  Prayers for peace, for understanding and for joy to combat the sorrow that I imagine will hang with me over the next few weeks, months and years.  Thank you my sweet friends for listening and for allowing me to share with you.

Love and Blessings,
Melanie

Ice Cream 'till We Puke!

For my anniversary Doc gave me a new book.  I am not a big reader, though I have been engulfed by a few recently, and this happens to be one of them. The Shack .  Have you read it?  Oh my.  Without ruining it for you I will tell you that it makes you want to go to heaven, and I mean now ;).  It's a wonderful book that brings peace to your soul and helps you to swallow loss a little easier.  In short, I love it.

I finished it today in the midst of my girls playing and laughing around me.  There was a point where I had all three of my babies in the room with me.  Scooter and Presley playing together and Bennett sitting with me while I read the end of this wonderful book.   These are the moments that bring me peace,  that take away the heavy blanket of sadness that seems to be forever draped over my shoulders.  These are the moments that remind me that Bennett is happy, safe, and fully content in the love of our Lord and I do not need to worry about him for another second!  These are the moments that keep me sane.  Thank you Lord for these moments. 

We are about 6 weeks out from our due date, so maybe 3 from when he should have been born.  I would be lying to you if I told you that I was doing just fine.  I have a lot of sadness that I don't really even notice anymore.  It's just there, like an ache or pain that you learn to live with and until it flares up or something aggravates it you hardly notice it anymore.  That is how this pain is.  I just carry it with me and occasionally something he would have loved to do, someone he would have loved to meet, aggravates it and brings the pain to the surface.  This weekend we went for ice cream as a family with my mom, and there it was.  A gentle, yet aggravating reminder that he was not there and was never going to be.  I couldn't even get any ice cream, it just did not seem fair.  But then I read this book and it was a glaring reminder that Bennett is having a lot more ice cream than I am (okay who am I fooling, most people have more ice cream than I do) but you get my point.  Bennett is just fine, just like my granddaddy or my father in law.  They are better than fine, they are wonderful beyond comprehension.  That's the thing about people dying, we grieve for ourselves, because grieving for them is absurd, they get to go to heaven!!

Boy oh boy, I cannot wait to have an ice cream with my little man.  But on the other hand I wouldn't want to miss a minute with my sweet girls.  I believe that there is no sense of loss in heaven.  I don't believe that Bennett is up there scared or lost without me, I believe he is perfectly content with his Heavenly Father.  My girls on the other hand could probably use me for a few more years.  So ice cream with my blue eyed, dimpled buddy will have to wait.  But when I get there, be it tomorrow or 70 years from now, he and I are going to eat ice cream until we make ourselves SICK! ;).

Love and Blessings Friends,
Melanie

Happy Birthday.

My girls nap at different times of the day.  Presley is not quite old enough to make it on one nap just yet.  As frustrating as that is some days, most of the time I love it.  I get one on one with both of them everyday, they need it and so do I.  The other day Presley was down and Scooter and I were sitting at the bar listening to music while she had her "snack".  All food at my house is a snack and most of it comes in a bowl.  I am not sure how that happened, but it did and we just go with it.  In reality she was eating breakfast. 

So there we sit, listening to Taylor Swift and hanging out together and she smiles at me with her big blue eyes and her misplaced dimples and whispers something that I did not quite catch.  But what I did get is that she was asking for something that she really wanted and was not sure if she could have or not.  So she was doing that thing that kids do where they ask for it as sweetly as possible hoping that their charm will get them what they want.  And why not? It usually works right!? So I asked her to repeat herself, this time, a little louder but just as sweetly with just as big of a smile she whispers, "mama, I want a birthday".  I pretty sure my heart skipped a beat.  It was precious.  Not just what she asked for but the way she asked it.  I smiled back at her and said, "Scooter, it's not your birthday baby".  She's not old enough to really understand that yet so she continued, "mama, please can I have a birthday". 

I couldn't take it!  I went out and bought streamers, a pinata, a cake, some candles, some goody bags and invited over the neighbors! Not really.  But truthfully I considered it.  I mean why not right!? Who does not want a birthday?  Okay, aging aside, birthdays are pretty awesome if you do it right.  My family always said that my birthdays lasted at least couple of weeks, and in my twenties I think they did.  Kids are smart.  I mean why ask for a cookie, or a movie, or a toy?  Why not ask for an entire day to revolve around you!?  A day where you get to eat what you want (within reason ;)), you get presents, you get friends to celebrate with you, and sometimes it includes awesome things like go carts or skating or some big blow up toy you jump in! 

Amazing.  It blew me away that she even thought of it.  A birthday.  I want a birthday too.  I want a day that revolves around me. I want to sleep late, go get a pedicure, take a nap, dinner at my favorite restaurant and all of my friends to come celebrate ME with me! Don't you!? Oh my sweet Scooter.  I sat there for a second and thought about it, and then I said to her Scooter, I know someone you can call that will give you a birthday baby.  We called my mom and dad.  Big answered and Scooter said "Big, I want a birthday" and in true Big fashion he said "baby I'll give you a birthday".  And I have no doubt that next time they see her, she'll get a birthday of sorts.  It may not include the song, but there will be yummy things to eat and presents, you can bank on that.  I hope you have a great weekend friends, and that one day soon you get a "birthday";).

Love and Blessings,
Melanie

Lay With Me.

Well, another week is almost over! Where does the time go and how is it June already? It amazes me how time flies, I was just telling Doc how there is no possible way that I have lived for 35 years. My best years have been my thirties, by far. Don't get me wrong, me twenties were a BLAST, but it was a different kind of fun. My thirties have been filled with love, blessings and grace. They have been wonderful.

I remember being a kid and my parents talking about how quickly time went by, I was in my teens in the middle of a school year and thought, "yeah right!". But again, they were right. It goes by quickly and the older I get the more I try and cherish the little moments. Presley has just started to walk well, and I am having so much fun watching her explore the house, even on the days she obsesses over flushing the toilet! I don't want to miss anything. If I have learned anything over the last years it is that we don't know how much time He has planned for us so we better enjoy every second that we can!!

Sometimes this is not as easy as I would like with my teething 13 month old and my potty training two year old! Some days I have seen more poop and slobber than one woman should see in a lifetime. Just when I think I can't take anymore, my two year old with her poop covered butt in the air for me to wipe says, "is it gross mama?" I laugh out loud and remember how lucky I am that I am home to wipe her little butt everyday. Then we share some strawberries and read Snow White. God rocks!

By the end of my day I am beat, just like we all are after a full day of work. Doc comes home, we eat dinner, I make a quick wish for the kitchen to miraculously clean itself and out we go with the girls to catch lightning bugs. (Nope, it never happens but a girl has the right to dream.) Scooter is at that age where she wants immediate gratification and nothing is ever enough. Go to the park, cry all the way home for the sliding board, go get a treat, beg for another one for two days...you get the point. So by the time we get her in, get her bathed, read her a story and get Presley relaxed enough and soothed enough to go to bed with her sore little mouth, I have had it. Then it comes, I say Scooter's prayers, kiss her goodnight, and as I am walking out she says. "mama, lay with me".

I am a good mama, the kind of mama that loves her babies more than life but still has boundaries and a routine that I stick too. I am aware of the manipulations of a two year old, how after weeks of trying to get them to say yes ma'am without prompting it slides right out of their little mouth at just the right time. I try not to baby my girls too much, I want them to be strong independent kids and Doc and I both parent for that.

Recently, I have come to a realization. As I am raising these girls and teaching them and watching them become independent, I better hold onto the moments where they still want mommy. I better cherish the extra hugs and kisses, the "mama play with me" requests. I better embrace the times where they look at me and need me or want me, whichever the case may be. Because one day, their butts won't need to be wiped and they won't want me to hold them in public. One day they will take their own bath, and make their own lunch. One day Snow White, with all of my cheesy character voices, will be lame rather than funny, she will say her own prayers, and when I kiss her goodnight and walk out, she will roll over, wipe off that kiss, and go to sleep. So until that day comes, I have decided that no matter how long the day, no matter how thin my patience has been worn, no matter how much I long for a break, if she asks me too, I'm going to lay with her. After all, one day I am going to wake up and another 35 years will have gone by. And, if my prayers are answered, my girls will have their own families and their own lives. I promise you that I don't want to look back and wish I had held them a little longer when I had the chance.

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! Psalm 127: 3-5

Blessings sweet friends!
Melanie

Memorial Day

Saturdays....these are my favorite! Saturdays at our house are the day that daddy is home ALL day. Scooter is beside herself on days like these. It is 2:00 PM and we have already been to the park and worn them both out. They have been sleeping for at least 2 hours! Doc is out getting goats milk, so I decided to say hello. I am just sitting in this house, with complete silence with exception of the noise that it makes when I type. You don't get complete silence very often once you have kids, nor do you appreciate it near enough before you have them. As a stay at home mom I assure you that silence is welcomed and celebrated.

My kitchen needs cleaned, the laundry needs to be caught up, and both of my kids need a bath but all of that can wait. Today we will play and laugh and enjoy our time together. It is Memorial Day weekend, and like so many other families we will use this weekend as a time for relaxation and celebration. But while I am sitting here I am thinking of the families that are not together, that are sacrificing this weekend, like many others, so that I can take my babies to the park. The amazing men and women that fight for and that have died for this great country. To you I say bless you and thank you.

I think about the parents, the ones that have lost their children in the fight for our freedom. How gracious it is that they have given their sons and daughters for our freedom here on earth just as our God gave His son for our freedom in eternity. What an amazing sacrifice! I am sure that I do not acknowledge that near enough and I am sorry for that.

You don't really think about what it takes to have a country like ours with the freedoms that we have. Day to day we just eat and shop and work and spend our own money and worry about our families. I assure you that I do not often think about the sacrifices that must be made for these "simple pleasures" that we call life. There are families that have not seen their child, their dad, their mom, their wife, their husband, for over a year. They have missed births, deaths, Christmas, anniversaries, marriages, and birthdays. They have been up for days running on little water and food risking their lives for our freedom while we sleep in late and wake up to pancakes and hot coffee.

I thank God for all of you. I thank Him for your strength and courage. I thank you for doing the unimaginable so that I can have free speech, marry the man of my dreams and praise MY GOD. There is no way to repay you the debt that we owe you and your families, but I am sure that there is a special place in heaven for all of you. God Bless you and God Bless the USA.

We love you Kruegers!!!

Just breathe.

Today I have been bombarded with tragedy. It seems to come in waves. Fortunately, none of it directly affects my family, but all of it directly affects my heart. I have been asked to pray for a family who lost two daughters in the same car accident. Both with young children. Can you imagine how their parents must feel? Of course you can't, neither can I. Then I was asked to pray for Holly and Michael who lost a son named Austin, she was 27 weeks pregnant. 9 months ago they lost a daughter named Lily Grace at 21 weeks. Two babies in less than a year.


I am not even sure how you recover from tragedies such as these. How you work, how you live, how you breathe. I can tell you first hand that the loss of a child takes your breath so often that you literally have to concentrate on breathing in and out on some days. The thought of losing two babies, or two as adults overwhelms me with fear and anxiety.


My two girls are my life and after the loss of Bennett I feel myself clinging to them harder, watching them closer. Yet today I am reminded that I have absolutely NO control over their lives. I do not get to choose when they meet Jesus anymore than I got to choose when they were brought into this world. I look at them and watch them in awe of how amazing they really are. Watching them grow and learn and play has brought me more happiness than I ever thought possible. Being a parent is a huge gift that God has blessed me with, and I have to trust and know that He has a plan for them.

We are a family of strong faith, we trust with many major areas of our lives. We have our babies at home and we do it with no fear. But I find myself, in the last few months, bargaining with God. Trying to explain to him how important these girls are to me, asking Him to please let me have them for the rest of my life, let me watch them grow up, be there when they are married, hold their babies. I know it's absurd, I realize that bargaining with God is useless. His will is His will and regardless of my plan, that's how it is going to be.







So how do you trust with your babies? How do you let go completely? I don't know. I have no idea why He gives us these people that we make and mold and love beyond comprehension and then expects us to let go of them even if it is to let Him have them. I wish I did. I wish I could tell you that I do this everyday, that I never question, that I never ask, that I just trust when it comes to my girls, but I can't. I think I was probably better about it before Bennett. But I am sure even then I did not let go completely.



Proverbs 3:5 and 6:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding, seek His will in all that you do, He will show you which path to take.


I totally believe in the scripture, as a matter of fact, I remind myself of this daily. Still, when it comes to my kids, I immediately go to, "sure, I will be happy to follow you, but do I need to bring my kids along because I would rather just leave them safe in their rooms sleeping with their daddy here to protect them".


I have learned in the last few months that we do not get to choose. This family who lost their two girls in one accident, they had no choice. Holly and Michael, as they bury another little one, they were not asked if this was okay. He chooses, and we trust or we don't, but still He chooses. I pray for understanding when it comes to His choices for my kids in the years to come. I pray for courage to hand them over to Him, knowing that He loves them even more than I do. I beg for the strength to understand the loss of my boy and the courage to trust Him with another pregnancy in my future. In the mean time, as I go day to day and take what He gives me, just as these families do, regardless of how hard it may be, I will continue to breathe.




Have a blessed day friends, and squeeze those babies no matter how old they are!!

Lots of Love,

Melanie

When Joy meets Sorrow.

I had told myself that I was not going to write about Bennett today for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, some dear friends of ours gave birth to their third baby this morning and we are so very happy for them. Secondly, I have two perfectly healthy little girls and I don't want to spend my days with them caught up in the sorrow of the loss of my boy. However, something happened today that I just had to share with you.

I finished my book, the one that I was telling you about a few days ago. Just to refresh, this book was about a woman who had three little girls and was pregnant with her fourth. She knew before the birth of baby Audrey that Audrey was not going to live for long, if at all, outside of the womb. Audrey was born 4/7/08 and lived for just over 2 hours. It is a wonderful book if you have lost a child of any age or if you know someone that has and are walking along side them while they grieve. "I Will Carry You", by Angie Smith.

Anyway, as the Lord would have it in His amazing timing, I finished the book last night. In many ways it did make me feel better, less alone, less crazy for grieving as I have, as I am. In other ways it brought forth a lot of the feelings that I have been holding back as I push through each day filling my mommy and wife duties with a smile on my face. As Doc said this morning, "I was really hoping the book would make you feel BETTER. Maybe you should stop reading for a while". Of course he was half kidding trying to make me smile.


As I am sure you have gathered, I woke up in a pretty bad mood. Understand, that finishing the book was met with news, that in the wee hours of the morning, our friends had given birth to their third baby boy. Needless to say, I was emotional.


So this morning I cooked, cleaned, and wiped butts as I talked to one of my dearest and closest friends and cried, again. Some people know just what to say, others know what not to say and Sam is one of the others. I appreciate her more than she knows. Here's where it gets good. After I spoke with Sam, I decided to go for the first time and look up Angie Smith's blog, Bring on the Rain: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. I thought that maybe this would bring me some comfort, some insight to life after loss, or maybe I would find a friend. There was already an entry for today. I have posted it below:


Thursday, May 20, 2010:
Introducing Charlotte
Hello everyone. This is Jessica and I just wanted to quickly post that Angie had Charlotte last night at 10:38. She weighs 5 lbs, 13 oz and is 19 inches long. She has strawberry blondish/red hair and is simply adorable! She has sweetest little face and the cutest pouty mouth and button nose



JOY!!!

She was blessed with another baby, another girl, and they were both healthy!! What an amazing God we have, one that gives and takes away in His perfect timing. Today I found hope in another woman's journey through joy and sorrow. Hope that I desperately needed. Hope that was timed perfectly, as only He could do. I thought I would share with you, my moment of joy, while praying that if you too are in a time of sorrow it will soften your heart.

Rv:21:4: And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Have a blessed and hopeful day my sweet friends.