Monday, January 23, 2012

Psalm 91 - Presley Rose

I am an addict.  It is in me, it runs through my blood.  In my other life, which is what I call life before Doc, I was a smoker and a drinker.  Truth be told, I loved both and if they weren't body and relationship killers I would still be smoking a Marlboro Light and drinking a glass of red wine every night.  Addiction runs in my family and we all use stress as an excuse.  Our addictions range from heavy drugs to marshmallows and everything in between.  It's the devil, he is in us, all of us.  When Doc and I got married I quit smoking and drinking.  It has been six years since I have had either.  I would say that if I had to pick something that I replaced them with it would be coffee. That would be my latest addiction.  Not the caffeine because I drink decaf 99% of the time.  Just the coffee.  It soothes me and when I am stressed, like today, I could drink a whole pot.  But as luck would have it I made a deal with one of my favorites and I have vowed to give up coffee in return for his cigarettes.  Days like this it seems like a ridiculous trade, but a deal is a deal and truthfully if he quits I will never drink another cup.  So, today my drug of choice (don't laugh) is hot coconut mango tea.  Oh the life of a chiropractors wife. ;) 

So here I sit typing away drinking my hot tea wishing it was glass of red wine and trying hard not to be stressed.  You see one of my babies doesn't feel good.  And tomorrow will be her second trip to the doctor in her entire life.  Yes, I said second.  Her first was for a purple cast last summer.  My sweet Presley's eyes are bothering her and we have decided it is time to have them checked.  If you know us, you know this was a thought out decision.  We are parents who don't do check ups or sick visits.We have a high deductible plan because in our family insurance is for emergencies.  So for us to concede to take our two year old to an ophthalmologist when she has never even seen a pediatrician, you could say is a big deal. Now don't misunderstand. We are not panicked and we have no reason to believe that it is anything alarming.  But she has complained enough and we have seen enough signs to have her checked out.  Hence the hot tea. 

When you lose a little one, suddenly the mortality of the ones you can still hold becomes terribly obvious. Almost to a hindrance of good choices and sanity at times.  I make myself crazy praying for my girls and their health.  Begging, pleading for them to outlive me because the idea, the thought, the reality of ever losing them takes my breath and makes me feel as if I could vomit.  I check on their breathing at night.  I am horribly aware of anything that changes on their bodies or just in their eyes.  I can tell by their breath how they feel even without complaint.  These little people, the girls, these precious babies are the reason that I live and I am ashamed of the fear I have of losing one of them.  Ashamed that I do not have more trust when it comes to their precious little lives.  And so I pray and I drink tea and I search for peace in the only place I know to find it. 

My life if full of believers and the more I connect the more I realize the importance of surrounding myself with people that know the Word and will direct me when I am lost.  This morning I asked a special group of women to pray for my sweet girl and one of them, whom I have never met, directed me.  She recommended that I pray this over my sweet girl using her name.  I have typed it as if I would read it asking that if you are in a place where it is appropriate that you would read it out loud for us.  You have all carried us for so long and I appreciate, once again, any and all prayers for our family and for our sweet girls.  Our appointment is tomorrow at 8:15 CST.  I will give you all an update as soon as we are done. 

Psalm 91
You, Presley, who sits down in the High God's presence,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you, Presley, are perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing Presley—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You will stand untouched Presley, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you sweet baby girl,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you Presley wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

Thank you as always for reading, but most of all for praying!!

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