Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Anger Management?

Understanding the Lord and His plans is something I have yet to master.  I try desperately to trust and move forward even on days when nothing makes sense.  I have had a lot of those days since our move to Franklin.  Days when I looked up in anger or sadness and shook my head blown away by what just happened.  Understand that I am in no way disillusioned, thinking that I should live a life without trial or tribulation.  Quite the contrary.  In all honesty my past and my blatant lack of obedience and faith that goes with it should all but leave me without blessing if you ask me.  However, as luck would have it we serve a Lord that is not a punisher, but quite the opposite. He is merciful. Amen.

I am sitting in  my "new home" in Franklin TN with about 1000 thoughts in my head 998 which seem to be negative.  It is late, I can hear my sweet husband snoring and my oldest moan occasionally.  I love this house. I love that I have no fear in this house, no memories that make my stomach hurt.  I love that I sleep soundly and that Kathryne runs through it without having to see me the whole time. It is a good house. One that is filled with love and the Lord. One that shall serve us well for a while I think. 

So why am I negative?  Honestly, sometimes I am just angry.  Angry that I have a little boy in heaven.  Angry that I drive a car fit for a large family and seem to be on track for a family for four.  Angry that I am surrounded by women that I love that are pregnant, knowing that in some way that makes them feel bad when they see or talk to me.  Angry that my body will not cooperate! That my health is not 100%! That my husband has spent three years trying to get me well both physically and emotionally and I am still not there!!  Angry that I don't have a church that I love here yet. Angry that I STILL do not love this town that is supposed to be one of the BEST places to live (according to who!?). But most of all, more than anything, I am angry that I am angry. 

I don't want to be angry.  I don't want to wonder why or question the plans of a God that has blessed me beyond measure.  I don't want to look around and only see what I cannot stand about Franklin TN.  I don't like myself when I see the bad rather than the good.  I try to cut myself a little slack.  Thankfully, my husband is willing too as well.  I get it, it is understandable that every now and then I just lose it.  I mean we have had one heck of a ride here.  And I have done my very best to stay in control, trust, have faith, move forward and be thankful.  Sometimes I just fail.  Today I have failed.  Today I want my boy.  I want my sister closer to me.  I want to eat lunch with my brother.  I want Sam to bring Ryan by for play time. Today I want to go see Wendy's new babies and hug Kelly on a coffee break.  Today I want my husband to work 40 hours instead of 60 and my mom to come help me fold clothes. And tomorrow I want to watch the Master's tournament with my dad. 

So there I said it.  It is late, I don't feel well, and my sister went home today.  Please don't judge me ;)

Tomorrow I will wake up.  I will make breakfast for two of the best kids the Lord ever created.  My mom will call and Sam will too.  I will meet one of my favorites for a play date and breathe some fresh air and all that is missing will seem far enough away not to sting. Why? Because I am right where I should be.  Right where He put me.  Right on His track.  And I am grateful that He loves me enough to write out a plan for me, because honestly I was doing a piss poor job on my own. ;)