Understanding the Lord and His plans is something I have yet to master. I try desperately to trust and move forward even on days when nothing makes sense. I have had a lot of those days since our move to Franklin. Days when I looked up in anger or sadness and shook my head blown away by what just happened. Understand that I am in no way disillusioned, thinking that I should live a life without trial or tribulation. Quite the contrary. In all honesty my past and my blatant lack of obedience and faith that goes with it should all but leave me without blessing if you ask me. However, as luck would have it we serve a Lord that is not a punisher, but quite the opposite. He is merciful. Amen.
I am sitting in my "new home" in Franklin TN with about 1000 thoughts in my head 998 which seem to be negative. It is late, I can hear my sweet husband snoring and my oldest moan occasionally. I love this house. I love that I have no fear in this house, no memories that make my stomach hurt. I love that I sleep soundly and that Kathryne runs through it without having to see me the whole time. It is a good house. One that is filled with love and the Lord. One that shall serve us well for a while I think.
So why am I negative? Honestly, sometimes I am just angry. Angry that I have a little boy in heaven. Angry that I drive a car fit for a large family and seem to be on track for a family for four. Angry that I am surrounded by women that I love that are pregnant, knowing that in some way that makes them feel bad when they see or talk to me. Angry that my body will not cooperate! That my health is not 100%! That my husband has spent three years trying to get me well both physically and emotionally and I am still not there!! Angry that I don't have a church that I love here yet. Angry that I STILL do not love this town that is supposed to be one of the BEST places to live (according to who!?). But most of all, more than anything, I am angry that I am angry.
I don't want to be angry. I don't want to wonder why or question the plans of a God that has blessed me beyond measure. I don't want to look around and only see what I cannot stand about Franklin TN. I don't like myself when I see the bad rather than the good. I try to cut myself a little slack. Thankfully, my husband is willing too as well. I get it, it is understandable that every now and then I just lose it. I mean we have had one heck of a ride here. And I have done my very best to stay in control, trust, have faith, move forward and be thankful. Sometimes I just fail. Today I have failed. Today I want my boy. I want my sister closer to me. I want to eat lunch with my brother. I want Sam to bring Ryan by for play time. Today I want to go see Wendy's new babies and hug Kelly on a coffee break. Today I want my husband to work 40 hours instead of 60 and my mom to come help me fold clothes. And tomorrow I want to watch the Master's tournament with my dad.
So there I said it. It is late, I don't feel well, and my sister went home today. Please don't judge me ;)
Tomorrow I will wake up. I will make breakfast for two of the best kids the Lord ever created. My mom will call and Sam will too. I will meet one of my favorites for a play date and breathe some fresh air and all that is missing will seem far enough away not to sting. Why? Because I am right where I should be. Right where He put me. Right on His track. And I am grateful that He loves me enough to write out a plan for me, because honestly I was doing a piss poor job on my own. ;)
Last Sunday at church Pastor Jeff said something that kinda blew me away. He asked if we realized that WORRY is SIN!??? When we worry we are not trusting God to do what He says He can and will do. When we worry, we have not put it all into HIS hands, Hands that are larger than we could ever imagine. He told us what the bible says about God's hands, the SIZE of God's hands. It is something I am sure I have heard before, but it struck me somehow. I really thought about the Size and Magnitude of HIS hands, and I thought that ALL of my worries would seems like the tiniest speck of dust, in those hands. And when I picture that, my worries as a tiny speck of dust, they seem so SMALL. To realize even as SMALL as they may seem to HIM, HE will carry them and take care of them for me, I do not need to ever be concerned with them once I give them to HIM. And then to picture them as so small and minute, kinda makes them seem more insignificant to me too.....We are only human, and we are by nature sinners, one and all, and I realize both of these things. I just hadn't thought about WORRY as sin...lol...that kinda put the we sin everyday thing right in my face! So I am trying to keep that thought with me....when I begin to "think/worry" about something I have given to HIM, I also say a little prayer, "forgive me, for not trusting YOU to handle this, I REALLY don't want it back!" So I don't know why I felt compelled to share this with you, but think maybe because I share some of your ANGER about the things you are angry about. I want you here! I pray about it and I ask God to lead my children, all of you, on the path HE has chosen, and YET, I question HIM....WHY can't Melanie be here, or WHY isn't Michael settled, and WHY can't Stephanie stay home with her new baby girl...So I am sinning constantly...and I am so thankful He has a plan for each of you, because I too was doing a piss poor job before He took over!ReplyDelete
I love you! I hope SOME of that makes sense.