Monday, March 26, 2012

Proverbs 3:5-6 LOUD AND CLEAR!

So, as most of you know we have been trying to get pregnant for a long time.  And recently, as I have been bombarded with news of new babies and new pregnancies from some of my closest and favorites I have been hearing a gentle "trust me" whisper.  Initially I dismissed it as me trying to make myself feel better about my lack of pregnancy, but then it started coming at the most odd times.  Times when babies were not even on my mind.  Times when I felt completely at ease about, well, everything.  I heard it so often and so audibly that I finally was like "OK I GET IT!".  And then the month ended and the clear sign that we are NOT pregnant came and I thought, "boy He sure did think I was going to take that hard!".  And then it started. 

As some of you know and others do not I have not felt "well" for a while, a few months.  My symptoms have been odd and sporadic and honestly, I have for the most part dismissed them.  Last week, finally, I decided that maybe I should go and let someone check me out.  Yes, we DO go to see doctors if we need too! By need I may have meant HAVE but whatever.  Anyway, so I made some calls and got an appointment and went on in, both girls in tow, for what ended up being 5 hours of talking and testing.  The result?!  I have an ovarian cyst, just as we suspected.  We took this news well, I have a history of this and really I already knew that is what they were going to tell me.  So, we continued to pack for our much needed trip to the beach and waited on the blood test results.  The following email will catch you up quick.  It was sent out last week while we were at the beach. 

Hi Ladies!!!
I hope you are all doing well and I miss seeing you guys!!  I have a prayer request and I thought who better to send it to? ;)  

So, as you all know we have been trying to get pregnant for a long time with no luck.  Well recently I have started to have some health issues.  Pain, swelling, weight gain. Last week I went to a midwife for an exam and she sent me for an Ultra Sound. Sure enough, there is a mass about the size of a lemon in my right ovary.  So....we thought no big deal because I have a history of ovarian tumors and in 1998 I had one removed.  Next step, they ran some blood tests called and said it was all normal BUT they wanted to throw in a test called a CA 125.  Sharliss I am sure you know what that is. We felt much better about the other tests being normal and (I am at the beach) went ahead enjoying the sun.  So, here is the kicker.  Today I called and just as the Lord would have it, it could not have been that easy.  The CA 125 levels are elevated.  What does that mean? Well if you ask the lady that delivered the news to me it is NOT good.  So, here I am in Fla with two toddlers 30 minutes after Janet has left for GA and Shawn is flying in tonight.  I am standing in the only spot in the condo that gets a signal on the phone with a midwife that is basically apologizing for telling me I have cancer over the phone.  I was HYSTERICAL.  Understand, I am tough but the midwife said "I hate to deliver this news on the phone, I am really sorry, go talk to God". No I am not kidding. My thoughts? Shit Damn Hell. (in honor of Sharliss, sorry Terri) ;)

 Okay, so I called Shawn, had mom turn around and come hang with the girls (since mama had gone off the deep end) and then I called the Dr's office where I am already scheduled to have an appt on Wed morning to meet with a very highly recommended doc about our options.  I spoke with the receptionist and asked her to move my appt to tomorrow, as I walked around and tried to start packing.  She said she could not, I proceeded to beg between sobs.  She put me on the phone with the nurse (meanwhile the girls are fighting and eating out of an open bag of pita chips).  Thank GOD for the nurse.  I have no idea what the nurses name was, all I know is that Jesus knew she is who I needed to talk to.  She told me a few things 1) She had ordered the test 2) it was standard with a cyst so large 3) I needed to take a deep breath or two 4) the test in inconclusive and shows an increase with benign tumors as well as endometriosis (which we already know I have) 5) 95% of the time the radiologists are right and the radiologist said it was "just" and endometrioma (which is NOT a malignant tumor but a blood filled cyst similar to my cyst in 1998).  So, I slowly stepped down from the ledge, took the chips away from the girls, took 5 deep breaths and gathered myself.  I called my sweet husband who I scared to death and left him a message that we were staying at the beach.  My mama came back and will leave tomorrow after Shawn gets here tonight (poor Janet I scared her, Mike and Big so badly! Oh and Sam too sorry Sam).  

All of this to say that we have a Dr. appointment Wednesday at 10:30 am and though I am feeling better, there is still a chance that we are looking at something much scarier than we anticipated.  Here is my request.  PLEASE pray that whatever it is I will have courage.  PLEASE pray that whatever it is God will carry all of us through it.  PLEASE pray for me to hold it together for my kids and the best husband in the whole world.  I realize that His will is what it will be and I have zero control over that.  I have learned that the hard way the last couple of years with the loss of our boy.  I know that worry is a lack of faith.  But I have two of the sweetest most beautiful little girls in the world and a husband that loves my biscuits and Lord willing I want to be healthy and old with all three of them.  So I'm probably going to worry, and then ask for forgiveness and I was hoping you guys would just have faith and pray ;)  Deal??

I PROMISE to send an update as soon as I have one. We will know more after we meet with the Doc wed about options and surgery. In the mean time this is not a prayer request to keep private it is one to send to the masses if you ask me.  So PLEASE put me on all the lists.   I love all of you and am so blessed to be able to ask this of you.  

Love and Blessings,

There you have it, that was one full day at the beach down the tubes.  The rest of the trip went like this, Doc flew in, Janet finally got to go home, and we enjoyed our weekend trying to NOT worry!!  After some research about this pesky CA  125 test, we discovered that the news was not quite as bad as we thought.  We will not know for sure what is going on until Wednesday BUT we are leaning toward better news than we got last week!! I prayed for peace so that I could enjoy the weekend, and I got it.  We came home yesterday, back to the "new house" as the girls call it ;).  It is a mess, clothes everywhere, tons to still do, but it is home.  And today as I was folding one of the multiple loads of laundry I thought, "this is it, this is what the "trust me" was for".  It actually had nothing at all to do with not being pregnant.  He was preparing me for this news.  Preparing me for this "scare" as I would call it.  Amazing.  How thoughtful He is to care enough about me to warn me ahead of time and assure me that He was there!!! 

So I am typing, without the knot in my stomach.  Because even though I find myself anxious at times, I feel like it would be ridiculous to worry too much about something that is so clearly planned out by my Father in Heaven that He was preparing me for it a week before hand! I am not in control and He is and I am fine with that. Because here is the truth.  If something is wrong, something that is scarier than we would like, the ONLY one that can take care of it is Him.  Not us, not the Doctors.  He decides.  I know this, it has been made clear to me over the last few years.  He decides, not me. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't trying to make a few deals with Him ;)  "Dear Lord if you will let me be okay I will never ask for xxx again".  Isn't it so easy to go there?  But the truth is He already has it planned!!  And if we go against His will, we will still end up right where He wanted us eventually.  So, I have asked some of the strongest women I know to pray for me, and you can bet they will.  And Wednesday will come and we will sit and listen and decide regardless of the news and TRUST just like He has been telling me to do for two weeks.  Because when things are not in our control that is the only thing we can do. 

Pray for Wednesday friends and TRUST no matter what you are facing, He is there, I can hear Him ;)


Friday, March 16, 2012

Home, Vacation, Doc.

We finally have Internet!! Yay us!! So, to celebrate, I thought I would write. First things first, we are in our new house! We hit a few moving speed bumps, but we are in and remotely settled and we LOVE IT!! The girls seems at peace, Doc has gotten enough boxes unloaded not to drive himself crazy, and I have slowly been letting go of my past frustrations and celebrating a new home, a new start.

There are so many things that I could tell you about. The girls are fun, the practice is doing well, we are discussing many new beginnings in our family which have not been decided, and my health lacks a little but we are getting help with that. All of these things are pertinent to our life right now, but instead I am going to talk about Doc.

You see as I sit here in type in the home that costs us almost twice as much as the last one did, he works. And Tuesday when he sent me for a pedicure before my beach trip, he worked. And later when I will have lunch with my girls and maybe make a fun run to whole foods, he will work. And yesterday when we had friends over to play outside, he worked. And Monday when the three of us are on the beach with Janet, my sweet, sweet, husband will work. He will call and check on us and he will not complain, he will not jab about what I get to do and he doesn't, he will instead smile and giggle at the stories of the girls and if I know him say something like, "baby I am so glad you are having fun, you deserve it" and then he will go back to work. Yes, this is the man I married, be jealous, be very, very jealous.

I know so many women that are married, a lot of which get to stay home, and I wonder if they are as in awe of what their husbands do for them as I am. And then I think of the women I know that do not get to stay home and it makes me feel almost ashamed at the ease of the life the Lord has blessed me with and my husband provides. I am rotten. Yes there are women with more clothes, bigger homes, fancier vacations, prettier cars, but they are not married to my husband. You see this big house and my pretty toes are not what make me rotten, my husband is what makes me rotten. The way he treats us, the way he loves us, the way he provides for us unselfishly. We are all three ROTTEN to the core.

If I have said it once, I have said it a hundred times, "Kathryne, marry a man like your daddy baby girl. Trust me." She just looks at me and smiles. But the older she gets the more I will tell her and my sweet Presley Rose. Praying that they remember two things that I have hammered into them the most, "Jesus Loves You" and "Marry a man like your daddy". If they can get those two things, they will be just fine.

So today as it rains, I will pack. These girls will run and play and fight and I will play referee and put little swim suits in a bag. I will hunt down the life jackets and pick out the right movies. I will throw in a few pairs of shorts and some sunglasses for myself and we will be set to go. Sunday morning we will leave for the beach without daddy. I hope that he will use the day too nap and relax, but my guess is that he will work. Some because he needs to, some because he cannot stand it when we are gone. The truth is neither can we. We will go and spend 5 days with Janet and then Doc will join us for a much deserved short vacation!!! Oh how blessed we are.

If we had it our way daddy would be in the truck going with us Sunday. Heck, if we had it our way daddy would be home with us everyday. We miss him when he is gone and look forward to the minute he is home! But we will take Thursday to Saturday and all three of us will not be able to WAIT until he gets there!!! How hard it must be for him to have three girls totally and completely in love with him. ;)

So friends that is it for now, we are in the new house and soon we are heading to the beach, all by the grace of an amazing God and the hands of a man that is the greatest blessing this girl has ever seen. 

Have a great week, we sure will!!!

p.s. (We love you bigger than the whole sky daddy!  Thank you.  Your Girls)

Thursday, March 1, 2012


Well it is here and the truth is, selfishly, I was kind of pulling for "too busy to notice".  But last night as I was reading an email from my midwife and scrolling up to look for a phone number, I was quickly reminded that March is here and it marks the memory of the longest, hardest days of my life. 

It is funny to me how God times things.  Here we are moving out of this "house of memories" on the weekend that marks the two year anniversary of the the birth of our boy. The birth and the loss.  I have tried desperately to be busy enough to let it pass by, barely noticed, in an effort to keep my heart from exploding as I recognize that I am moving two out of three of my babies into this new home.  And even though Bennett never "lived" in this home, he was here and he has not been and will never be at 116 Golden Meadow Lane.  But I failed and yesterday, as I stood in the laundry room of this house that has haunted me for so long, I hung up clothes and I cried.  In walked my sweet husband to hold me until I could breathe again, never asking, just knowing. 

So as usual He brings us to a bitter sweet moment as we celebrate a change in our lives.  A new home, a new start, but an oh so familiar absence that will be moved from Tom Anderson Road to Golden Meadow Lane no matter how far back in a closet we have hidden it.  As I pack today I pray for comfort, I pray for a gentle reminder that I am the mother of a little boy with whom I will spend eternity and an even gentler reminder that eternity will start later, not today.  As I carry out heavy boxes I cringe knowing that they are even heavier than they should be because of the weight that sits on my chest as the birthday of our son approaches.  Breathing in and out seems labor intensive and truthfully, the bed sounds pretty good.  Thankfully I am surrounded by boxes and four blue eyes all of which require me to stay vertical and move forward. The Lord knows just how much we can take and He also knows what we need to be able to take it. 

Breathing in and moving boxes out,