Well it is here and the truth is, selfishly, I was kind of pulling for "too busy to notice". But last night as I was reading an email from my midwife and scrolling up to look for a phone number, I was quickly reminded that March is here and it marks the memory of the longest, hardest days of my life.
It is funny to me how God times things. Here we are moving out of this "house of memories" on the weekend that marks the two year anniversary of the the birth of our boy. The birth and the loss. I have tried desperately to be busy enough to let it pass by, barely noticed, in an effort to keep my heart from exploding as I recognize that I am moving two out of three of my babies into this new home. And even though Bennett never "lived" in this home, he was here and he has not been and will never be at 116 Golden Meadow Lane. But I failed and yesterday, as I stood in the laundry room of this house that has haunted me for so long, I hung up clothes and I cried. In walked my sweet husband to hold me until I could breathe again, never asking, just knowing.
So as usual He brings us to a bitter sweet moment as we celebrate a change in our lives. A new home, a new start, but an oh so familiar absence that will be moved from Tom Anderson Road to Golden Meadow Lane no matter how far back in a closet we have hidden it. As I pack today I pray for comfort, I pray for a gentle reminder that I am the mother of a little boy with whom I will spend eternity and an even gentler reminder that eternity will start later, not today. As I carry out heavy boxes I cringe knowing that they are even heavier than they should be because of the weight that sits on my chest as the birthday of our son approaches. Breathing in and out seems labor intensive and truthfully, the bed sounds pretty good. Thankfully I am surrounded by boxes and four blue eyes all of which require me to stay vertical and move forward. The Lord knows just how much we can take and He also knows what we need to be able to take it.
Breathing in and moving boxes out,
Melanie
I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13
Showing posts with label Bennett. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bennett. Show all posts
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Friday, March 4, 2011
Dear Bennett.
Sweet baby Bennett,
A year ago today you came into this world and went straight back to the arms of Jesus. It was a glorious, sad, wonderful, scary day for mama and daddy. Everyday we remember, everyday we mourn and everyday we rejoice in the moments that I had with you in the womb and the fact that the Lord blessed us with the sweet boy we had asked Him for.
We miss you, and selfishly we want you here on earth, in our home, in our arms. But we know in our hearts that you are in a place that has beauty beyond our imagination and you are surrounded by nothing but happiness and joy. This, my sweet boy, makes us smile and a little jealous to be honest.
You have two big sisters here that know you were ours and one day will understand the impact that you have had on our family. You made us stronger, you deepened our relationship with our Savior and you brought our faith to the forefront of our lives, our marriage, our parenting and our hearts.
Oh baby boy how we long to hold you and kiss those dimples that I am certain you have. The only thing that makes that longing bearable is the fact that one day we will join you and you will introduce us to Jesus and our sweet Angel Baby that we lost in August and we will kiss you both all over and eat ice cream and swing until we puke. I cannot wait!!
You miss so much not being here. You miss time with the two sweetest girls that Jesus ever created. You miss moments with Grandparents that came straight from the angels. You miss Aunts and Uncles and Cousins that would have spoiled you beyond belief. You miss popcorn and cookies and roasted marshmallows that your daddy would have insisted you get to try. You miss a daddy that would have loved you like no other and shown you how to be a wonderful man and a mama who dreams about you, still, everyday. All of that and yet you miss nothing. We miss it for you and you are in heaven content and happy beyond our wildest dreams. All the while hanging out with Jesus!
The year has flown by and I only imagine that the decade will do the same. One day we will wake up and it will have been ten years since we lost you. Time will go by, and our hearts will heal, but our love will not stop and our memories will serve us well. You will live in our hearts and our dreams. We will imagine what you would have looked liked on your tenth birthday. We will dream of who you would have been on this earth and what you would have done. We will do all of this while we will smile and mourn and miss and love and one day there you will be even yummier than we ever imagined.
We love you William Bennett Hall. We will carry you with us in our hearts until we get to carry you in our arms.
Mama, Daddy, Kathryne and Presley
A year ago today you came into this world and went straight back to the arms of Jesus. It was a glorious, sad, wonderful, scary day for mama and daddy. Everyday we remember, everyday we mourn and everyday we rejoice in the moments that I had with you in the womb and the fact that the Lord blessed us with the sweet boy we had asked Him for.
We miss you, and selfishly we want you here on earth, in our home, in our arms. But we know in our hearts that you are in a place that has beauty beyond our imagination and you are surrounded by nothing but happiness and joy. This, my sweet boy, makes us smile and a little jealous to be honest.
You have two big sisters here that know you were ours and one day will understand the impact that you have had on our family. You made us stronger, you deepened our relationship with our Savior and you brought our faith to the forefront of our lives, our marriage, our parenting and our hearts.
Oh baby boy how we long to hold you and kiss those dimples that I am certain you have. The only thing that makes that longing bearable is the fact that one day we will join you and you will introduce us to Jesus and our sweet Angel Baby that we lost in August and we will kiss you both all over and eat ice cream and swing until we puke. I cannot wait!!
You miss so much not being here. You miss time with the two sweetest girls that Jesus ever created. You miss moments with Grandparents that came straight from the angels. You miss Aunts and Uncles and Cousins that would have spoiled you beyond belief. You miss popcorn and cookies and roasted marshmallows that your daddy would have insisted you get to try. You miss a daddy that would have loved you like no other and shown you how to be a wonderful man and a mama who dreams about you, still, everyday. All of that and yet you miss nothing. We miss it for you and you are in heaven content and happy beyond our wildest dreams. All the while hanging out with Jesus!
The year has flown by and I only imagine that the decade will do the same. One day we will wake up and it will have been ten years since we lost you. Time will go by, and our hearts will heal, but our love will not stop and our memories will serve us well. You will live in our hearts and our dreams. We will imagine what you would have looked liked on your tenth birthday. We will dream of who you would have been on this earth and what you would have done. We will do all of this while we will smile and mourn and miss and love and one day there you will be even yummier than we ever imagined.
We love you William Bennett Hall. We will carry you with us in our hearts until we get to carry you in our arms.
Mama, Daddy, Kathryne and Presley
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Two Birthdays...One Long Week.
When I was a kid I remember at the end of summer I was so disappointed that a WHOLE YEAR had to pass before it came again. The same for Christmas, my birthday, fall break etc. A year seemed like a life time, like eternity. I remember my mom would say " don't worry Christmas will come again next year" and I would reply over tears "next YEAR! That is SO LONG!!" ;). Oh my how times have changed.
Now I sit here in this rental house in Franklin TN and wonder how in the world an entire year has gone by!? Where did it go? What did we do? Did we even live it or did we just wake up and it was gone? I am pretty sure that we missed about 6 months of 2010. March to August is a complete blur with glimpses and memories of hospital visits, sleepless nights and sheer grief mixed with celebrations, births, weddings, birthdays and family. I don't remember much of it and what I do remember, with exception of the birth of Savannah Marie Foraker and Wendy and Brett's wedding, I wish I could forget.
But here we are back to March. March, which is now my least favorite month of the year. March, the month that marks the birth and death of our boy and the absence of the baby we lost in August that would have been due on the 16th of this month. Ugh. March. A full year has gone by and it still seems like yesterday that Doc was carrying a shovel down a hill, yesterday that my neighbor brought the orchid that sits on our table, yesterday that I called my sister and asked her what to name my boy. I hate March. And truthfully, today I want to just throw that damn orchid in the garbage can.
Yesterday was Doc's birthday and I felt terrible for him. All it did was a begin a week of memories. Hard, gory, terrible, sad memories that we have pushed away every day for a year. I tried to celebrate it with him, but he just would not let me. Everything I planned he said no and I knew that nothing would make it fun. So I made him banana pudding, which helped in the moment and that was it. No card, no present, no dinner, no celebration. Poor Doc. What a miserable birthday, just like last year, to start a miserable week.
March 1st 2011 here we are and all we can think about is March 5th. I know it will get easier every year, I know that we should look at our girls and be grateful, I know that this is all part of healing, but none of that makes this week bearable. It just doesn't. So I will play with my babies and stay busy and love on my sweet husband and pray the week goes by fast. We will get up on Friday and celebrate our boy who will be having cake and ice cream in heaven with Jesus and Hall baby #4 and RW and Mamaw and Don and Hunter and two of his cousins and Owen and all of the other angel babies that we miss and mourn and we will smile knowing that he is not alone and he is well taken care of until we get there.
This morning my mom sent me an email and it was long and sweet and thoughtful. In it she said that she would be in heaven before us and prayed that would make us feel better that she was there with him until we get there. I don't know what God has in store for today or tomorrow, so who knows which one of us will get there first. But I do know that she is right. Knowing that Bennett is there with his Grandaddy, and my Grandaddy and his Mamaw, that does make it easier. It makes it easier to be here without him and one day it will make it easier to leave this earth and go to heaven and hold my sweet boy. That my friends, makes me smile, helps me to breathe in the moments I feel like I can't, gives me joy in a time of overwhelming sorrow.
This week I will pray a lot and cry a lot and smile a lot and dream a lot of a sweet little boy with big dimples, a bald head, and giant blue eyes. I will ask God to make each moment easier and beg him for another little boy. All the while knowing that the first He will do and hoping for the second. ;) I thank each of you for loving us enough to follow our journey in the loss of our boy, for walking along side us, for picking us up when we are too tired to walk, and for the incessant prayers that have healed us more that you will ever know.
I pray that this year will bring more healing for our hearts and the hearts of those closest to us. Thank you mama, Michael and Steph for loving me enough to hear it in my voice and being there for me. I don't know what I would do without you. And Doc, Happy Birthday baby! You are my everything and my rock and this week will not last forever, I promise ;).
Blessing Friends,
Melanie
Now I sit here in this rental house in Franklin TN and wonder how in the world an entire year has gone by!? Where did it go? What did we do? Did we even live it or did we just wake up and it was gone? I am pretty sure that we missed about 6 months of 2010. March to August is a complete blur with glimpses and memories of hospital visits, sleepless nights and sheer grief mixed with celebrations, births, weddings, birthdays and family. I don't remember much of it and what I do remember, with exception of the birth of Savannah Marie Foraker and Wendy and Brett's wedding, I wish I could forget.
But here we are back to March. March, which is now my least favorite month of the year. March, the month that marks the birth and death of our boy and the absence of the baby we lost in August that would have been due on the 16th of this month. Ugh. March. A full year has gone by and it still seems like yesterday that Doc was carrying a shovel down a hill, yesterday that my neighbor brought the orchid that sits on our table, yesterday that I called my sister and asked her what to name my boy. I hate March. And truthfully, today I want to just throw that damn orchid in the garbage can.
Yesterday was Doc's birthday and I felt terrible for him. All it did was a begin a week of memories. Hard, gory, terrible, sad memories that we have pushed away every day for a year. I tried to celebrate it with him, but he just would not let me. Everything I planned he said no and I knew that nothing would make it fun. So I made him banana pudding, which helped in the moment and that was it. No card, no present, no dinner, no celebration. Poor Doc. What a miserable birthday, just like last year, to start a miserable week.
March 1st 2011 here we are and all we can think about is March 5th. I know it will get easier every year, I know that we should look at our girls and be grateful, I know that this is all part of healing, but none of that makes this week bearable. It just doesn't. So I will play with my babies and stay busy and love on my sweet husband and pray the week goes by fast. We will get up on Friday and celebrate our boy who will be having cake and ice cream in heaven with Jesus and Hall baby #4 and RW and Mamaw and Don and Hunter and two of his cousins and Owen and all of the other angel babies that we miss and mourn and we will smile knowing that he is not alone and he is well taken care of until we get there.
This morning my mom sent me an email and it was long and sweet and thoughtful. In it she said that she would be in heaven before us and prayed that would make us feel better that she was there with him until we get there. I don't know what God has in store for today or tomorrow, so who knows which one of us will get there first. But I do know that she is right. Knowing that Bennett is there with his Grandaddy, and my Grandaddy and his Mamaw, that does make it easier. It makes it easier to be here without him and one day it will make it easier to leave this earth and go to heaven and hold my sweet boy. That my friends, makes me smile, helps me to breathe in the moments I feel like I can't, gives me joy in a time of overwhelming sorrow.
This week I will pray a lot and cry a lot and smile a lot and dream a lot of a sweet little boy with big dimples, a bald head, and giant blue eyes. I will ask God to make each moment easier and beg him for another little boy. All the while knowing that the first He will do and hoping for the second. ;) I thank each of you for loving us enough to follow our journey in the loss of our boy, for walking along side us, for picking us up when we are too tired to walk, and for the incessant prayers that have healed us more that you will ever know.
I pray that this year will bring more healing for our hearts and the hearts of those closest to us. Thank you mama, Michael and Steph for loving me enough to hear it in my voice and being there for me. I don't know what I would do without you. And Doc, Happy Birthday baby! You are my everything and my rock and this week will not last forever, I promise ;).
Blessing Friends,
Melanie
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Christmas without Bennett.
It's been a while since I have written much about our sweet Bennett. Considering the time of year and the way my heart feels I think I should. I am not sure if it is Christmas or the end of 2010 or both but I have been covered by that mean old blanket of sadness for the last few days. A friend of mine who has lost a child related it to me this way. She said that Christmas is supposed to be a happy time and yet those of us who have suffered a loss feel as though someone is missing which is what makes it so confusing and emotional for our broken hearts. I think that's probably as close as I can get to understanding why it is that every time I look at my Christmas tree and my sweet girls enjoying all of the lights my arms feel empty and heart feels like it is going to explode.
There are things that I struggle with like is it weird that I think three stockings on the mantle is a good idea? Should he have an ornament like the girls do for the first year they were born? I mean I get it, we aren't buying the little guy any presents. But at Christmas there are things that acknowledge your children, each of them and all of them, and he is one of our children. So if we don't do anything to acknowledge him as one of ours then I feel like we are acting like he was never here. I am not sure what Doc really thinks of any of it. I haven't asked him because I have been so caught up in how I feel about it I haven't even considered him. That is just the truth. Honestly, he knows I am struggling and I think he would do just about whatever I needed to get through this time no matter how strange it was. He's a great man and I am so blessed.
I have two beautiful, wonderful little girls. But honestly friends, that does not take away from the fact that I am missing the hell out of the sweet boy that I should be toting around in my Ergo Baby while I make popcorn and put lights on the tree. It just doesn't and I am not sure it ever will.
Christmas around here is going to be a BLAST. Scooter is so excited about everything and Presley is just a mess!! We are blessed beyond measure and intend to enjoy every second. I will not miss one moment busy with my sad heart. But I will take a few special ones to remember, to cry and to imagine the face of that sweet little guy that should be celebrating his first Christmas with us this year. And yes, I just decided that he will have an ornament on our tree. Just one. But it will be on there. After all, he is part of this family and of our hearts and we will honor him with our memories.
I know that you guys pray for me all of the time and I am so grateful! Your prayers have brought me more comfort than you can ever know. Today I would like you to take those prayers and give them to another family that needs them much more than I do right now. I have some friends that are fighting desperately for the health of their boy. His name is Harrison Hudson and he is 5 weeks old and is fighting his little butt off trying to get healthy enough to go home. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/harrisonhudson.
As you can imagine their story has really touched my heart. Oh what I would have given for Bennett just to have had a shot to live. After we lost Bennett, Doc made a really good point. He said you always see families with children that are special needs and think of how blessed you are that your children are healthy. And that is very true. But when you lose a child you realize that the burden of special needs seems more like a blessing than a curse. He said he would have carried Bennett or pushed him or bathed him for as long as he lived just for a chance to love him and have him here with us.
Harrison is a special little boy and truthfully he may have some special needs one day. But our God is a God of miracles and you and I both know that He is capable of anything. So I am asking you guys to lift up Harrison!!! Please put him on all of your prayer lists and ask the Lord for a Christmas miracle for this sweet family.
I pray that each of you are having a wonderful holiday season and that you enjoy every second of it!!
Thank you for your love and support!
Love and blessings,
Melanie
There are things that I struggle with like is it weird that I think three stockings on the mantle is a good idea? Should he have an ornament like the girls do for the first year they were born? I mean I get it, we aren't buying the little guy any presents. But at Christmas there are things that acknowledge your children, each of them and all of them, and he is one of our children. So if we don't do anything to acknowledge him as one of ours then I feel like we are acting like he was never here. I am not sure what Doc really thinks of any of it. I haven't asked him because I have been so caught up in how I feel about it I haven't even considered him. That is just the truth. Honestly, he knows I am struggling and I think he would do just about whatever I needed to get through this time no matter how strange it was. He's a great man and I am so blessed.
I have two beautiful, wonderful little girls. But honestly friends, that does not take away from the fact that I am missing the hell out of the sweet boy that I should be toting around in my Ergo Baby while I make popcorn and put lights on the tree. It just doesn't and I am not sure it ever will.
Christmas around here is going to be a BLAST. Scooter is so excited about everything and Presley is just a mess!! We are blessed beyond measure and intend to enjoy every second. I will not miss one moment busy with my sad heart. But I will take a few special ones to remember, to cry and to imagine the face of that sweet little guy that should be celebrating his first Christmas with us this year. And yes, I just decided that he will have an ornament on our tree. Just one. But it will be on there. After all, he is part of this family and of our hearts and we will honor him with our memories.
I know that you guys pray for me all of the time and I am so grateful! Your prayers have brought me more comfort than you can ever know. Today I would like you to take those prayers and give them to another family that needs them much more than I do right now. I have some friends that are fighting desperately for the health of their boy. His name is Harrison Hudson and he is 5 weeks old and is fighting his little butt off trying to get healthy enough to go home. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/harrisonhudson.
As you can imagine their story has really touched my heart. Oh what I would have given for Bennett just to have had a shot to live. After we lost Bennett, Doc made a really good point. He said you always see families with children that are special needs and think of how blessed you are that your children are healthy. And that is very true. But when you lose a child you realize that the burden of special needs seems more like a blessing than a curse. He said he would have carried Bennett or pushed him or bathed him for as long as he lived just for a chance to love him and have him here with us.
Harrison is a special little boy and truthfully he may have some special needs one day. But our God is a God of miracles and you and I both know that He is capable of anything. So I am asking you guys to lift up Harrison!!! Please put him on all of your prayer lists and ask the Lord for a Christmas miracle for this sweet family.
I pray that each of you are having a wonderful holiday season and that you enjoy every second of it!!
Thank you for your love and support!
Love and blessings,
Melanie
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