It's been a while since I have written much about our sweet Bennett. Considering the time of year and the way my heart feels I think I should. I am not sure if it is Christmas or the end of 2010 or both but I have been covered by that mean old blanket of sadness for the last few days. A friend of mine who has lost a child related it to me this way. She said that Christmas is supposed to be a happy time and yet those of us who have suffered a loss feel as though someone is missing which is what makes it so confusing and emotional for our broken hearts. I think that's probably as close as I can get to understanding why it is that every time I look at my Christmas tree and my sweet girls enjoying all of the lights my arms feel empty and heart feels like it is going to explode.
There are things that I struggle with like is it weird that I think three stockings on the mantle is a good idea? Should he have an ornament like the girls do for the first year they were born? I mean I get it, we aren't buying the little guy any presents. But at Christmas there are things that acknowledge your children, each of them and all of them, and he is one of our children. So if we don't do anything to acknowledge him as one of ours then I feel like we are acting like he was never here. I am not sure what Doc really thinks of any of it. I haven't asked him because I have been so caught up in how I feel about it I haven't even considered him. That is just the truth. Honestly, he knows I am struggling and I think he would do just about whatever I needed to get through this time no matter how strange it was. He's a great man and I am so blessed.
I have two beautiful, wonderful little girls. But honestly friends, that does not take away from the fact that I am missing the hell out of the sweet boy that I should be toting around in my Ergo Baby while I make popcorn and put lights on the tree. It just doesn't and I am not sure it ever will.
Christmas around here is going to be a BLAST. Scooter is so excited about everything and Presley is just a mess!! We are blessed beyond measure and intend to enjoy every second. I will not miss one moment busy with my sad heart. But I will take a few special ones to remember, to cry and to imagine the face of that sweet little guy that should be celebrating his first Christmas with us this year. And yes, I just decided that he will have an ornament on our tree. Just one. But it will be on there. After all, he is part of this family and of our hearts and we will honor him with our memories.
I know that you guys pray for me all of the time and I am so grateful! Your prayers have brought me more comfort than you can ever know. Today I would like you to take those prayers and give them to another family that needs them much more than I do right now. I have some friends that are fighting desperately for the health of their boy. His name is Harrison Hudson and he is 5 weeks old and is fighting his little butt off trying to get healthy enough to go home. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/harrisonhudson.
As you can imagine their story has really touched my heart. Oh what I would have given for Bennett just to have had a shot to live. After we lost Bennett, Doc made a really good point. He said you always see families with children that are special needs and think of how blessed you are that your children are healthy. And that is very true. But when you lose a child you realize that the burden of special needs seems more like a blessing than a curse. He said he would have carried Bennett or pushed him or bathed him for as long as he lived just for a chance to love him and have him here with us.
Harrison is a special little boy and truthfully he may have some special needs one day. But our God is a God of miracles and you and I both know that He is capable of anything. So I am asking you guys to lift up Harrison!!! Please put him on all of your prayer lists and ask the Lord for a Christmas miracle for this sweet family.
I pray that each of you are having a wonderful holiday season and that you enjoy every second of it!!
Thank you for your love and support!
Love and blessings,