Tuesday, August 13, 2013

My Sweet Boy.

Dear Bennett,

Three years ago today you were due to join our family.  Sadly for us but gloriously for you, God had a different plan. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you, wish you were here, imagine how beautiful you are.  The hole that was left in my heart the day that we lost you will never be filled. And honestly I am okay with that.  I want to remember.  I want to talk about you and dream about you.  I want to be reminded that God's plan, though not always what we would pick, is in fact a beautiful combination of life and death, hopes and failures, joy and sorrow. 

As I write to you in your blog (which is really what this is) lying next to me is a little girl that Jesus let me keep. Thank you.  I have to believe that you went to bat for us on this one.  I have to imagine that you said to Jesus, "How about we let mama and daddy keep her? What do you say?"  And so He did and so she lays in the bed in the same spot that your other two sisters occupied for the first year of their lives.  My heart could not be happier that she is her and healthy though it does remind me of what could have been with you sweet boy. 

Our lives are blessed.  I am sure that you look down and see us happy, in our beautiful home, stepping over more sparkles and pink than we ever thought possible. I pray that you can hear us as your name pops up almost daily.  I pray that you can hear Kathryne as she wonders about you and talks about you.  As she explains to everyone that she meets that our home should in fact hold four babies and that her brother Bennett went to heaven sooner than she would have liked.   I hope, oh so badly, that you can see Presley playing with and loving Josie just as she would have loved you.   They ask me what you look like and though I have not seen you I imagine you with a head full of white blond hair and a giant set of dimples probably built like Presley with eyes like your daddy's. 

I, as I am sure your daddy does, often wonder what the house would be like if you were in it.  I think about who you would be. I imagine a sweet tender heart and a love for your mama.  It makes me giggle as Josie throws fits only wanting mama because I know that is gift straight from you my sweet boy.  You changed us.  Your presence and absence changed our lives in giant ways and the only thing I can compare it to is the fight for your sister;s life.  You make us talk about Jesus more, about heaven more. You take the fear out of death.  Your soul fills up any empty spot in our home or our lives.  The loss that you represent makes all other bad days and complaints seem ridiculous.  You gave us strength to fight for Josie.  You picked me up daily and rode along side me at 11 PM every night as I took her food. You are the reason I was able to pump for four months. You sat with me as I cried in the shower and your presence brought peace to my fearful heart.  Thank you my sweet baby boy.  Though I wish today we were blowing up balloons and I was baking your favorite cake, I realize that God knew exactly what He was doing.  Know that I am not angry as I miss you today.  I am grateful for your presence in our home and in our hearts. 

We miss you, we love you, we will never forget you, and we cannot wait to meet you. 


Monday, August 5, 2013

And the Lord said "STOP": Dear Petty Lane

And so again I find myself in a different house.  A house that holds our things and shelters our children but that I dare to call home. I look around at all of the "things" and wonder if this is really it, is this where we are meant to be living or have we once again missed His calling, missed His words guiding us on His path?? Did we actually get it right for once?  I stop to hear, begging to get at least a whisper of assurance and then I see.  I realize that He is showing me so clearly that I am missing it.  I laugh at myself as I glance through a handful of pictures on my phone giving me the peace and assurance that I am looking for everywhere else but right in front of me.  Peace.  Finally.  Rest.

I hear Him and He is telling me to STOP.  Stop here on Petty Lane.  Stop looking, stop searching, stop wondering what is next.  I know that I will never stop missing those that have known my heart since I was alive.
But this is to be my stopping place for now and though it feels like I am giving up on going "home" again, I realize that the reality is that I AM home.  I am home and the people that are here with me are the ones that He wants me to spend my time with, invest in, and enjoy at this point in my life. 
It will not stop me from missing the ones that I love and miss so much.  And yes winter will come and I will be as heartsick as I could possibly imagine for all of them. But this time it will be different, I will not be HOMEsick, because I will be home. 

Dear Petty Lane,

For two weeks you have held my family and though it has been full of chaos and constant work, it has been wonderful.  I walk around and realize that you are the place that I will watch my girls grow up.  You are the home that I will live in as they start school, learn to read, master bikes without training wheels, lose their first teeth.  I look outside and I see the tree house that is now full of pink hearts and lights but will one day be a place they go to write in their journal and hang up the posters of their latest movie star crush.

I see the yard where their daddy will teach them to hit and throw a ball, to swim, to run fast.
I see the porch where will we spend our Saturday mornings watching them ride bikes and scooters up and down the driveway. I think of the conversations we will have trying to make the best decisions for each of them over the next ten years and I smile and shake my head at what is coming. 

I look at our sweet Josie Hope and realize you will be the only home she remembers, the one she grows up in.  I am grateful that you have only a few stairs to worry about as she starts to crawl.  I am grateful for the yard that is fenced and the driveway that is long. 

You and I Petty Lane, we are going to be great friends.  I am going to cook on that fabulous gas stove in your kitchen more times than you could imagine, feeding the ones that I love the most.  I have no doubt there will be days that I like you less than I do today but I will forever be indebted to you for giving me peace and allowing me to rest here with you for longer than I have rested anywhere since we have moved to Tennessee.  We plan to fill you with Jesus, with Love, with Dreams, with a lot of Pink, and with more Fun than you could ever hope for!!

Get ready, here comes the Hall Family!!