Three years ago today you were due to join our family. Sadly for us but gloriously for you, God had a different plan. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you, wish you were here, imagine how beautiful you are. The hole that was left in my heart the day that we lost you will never be filled. And honestly I am okay with that. I want to remember. I want to talk about you and dream about you. I want to be reminded that God's plan, though not always what we would pick, is in fact a beautiful combination of life and death, hopes and failures, joy and sorrow.
As I write to you in your blog (which is really what this is) lying next to me is a little girl that Jesus let me keep. Thank you. I have to believe that you went to bat for us on this one. I have to imagine that you said to Jesus, "How about we let mama and daddy keep her? What do you say?" And so He did and so she lays in the bed in the same spot that your other two sisters occupied for the first year of their lives. My heart could not be happier that she is her and healthy though it does remind me of what could have been with you sweet boy.
Our lives are blessed. I am sure that you look down and see us happy, in our beautiful home, stepping over more sparkles and pink than we ever thought possible. I pray that you can hear us as your name pops up almost daily. I pray that you can hear Kathryne as she wonders about you and talks about you. As she explains to everyone that she meets that our home should in fact hold four babies and that her brother Bennett went to heaven sooner than she would have liked. I hope, oh so badly, that you can see Presley playing with and loving Josie just as she would have loved you. They ask me what you look like and though I have not seen you I imagine you with a head full of white blond hair and a giant set of dimples probably built like Presley with eyes like your daddy's.
I, as I am sure your daddy does, often wonder what the house would be like if you were in it. I think about who you would be. I imagine a sweet tender heart and a love for your mama. It makes me giggle as Josie throws fits only wanting mama because I know that is gift straight from you my sweet boy. You changed us. Your presence and absence changed our lives in giant ways and the only thing I can compare it to is the fight for your sister;s life. You make us talk about Jesus more, about heaven more. You take the fear out of death. Your soul fills up any empty spot in our home or our lives. The loss that you represent makes all other bad days and complaints seem ridiculous. You gave us strength to fight for Josie. You picked me up daily and rode along side me at 11 PM every night as I took her food. You are the reason I was able to pump for four months. You sat with me as I cried in the shower and your presence brought peace to my fearful heart. Thank you my sweet baby boy. Though I wish today we were blowing up balloons and I was baking your favorite cake, I realize that God knew exactly what He was doing. Know that I am not angry as I miss you today. I am grateful for your presence in our home and in our hearts.
We miss you, we love you, we will never forget you, and we cannot wait to meet you.