Monday, July 28, 2014

Happy 5th Birthday Presley Rose

Dear Presley,

You are 5.  I cannot believe it.  The time with you has been so much fun and so sweet, but it has flown by.  At times I feel like the recent years with you were spent focusing on other things and it makes me worry.  Josie took up part of your third and fourth year and the time seems to be lost.  But you my sweet girl, you do not seem to be phased a bit!! 

Presley you are incredible. You are sweet and funny and silly.  We all talk about how you live in your own world and how much we would like to visit.  there is an innocence in you that I pray that you keep.  Kat is not as fortunate as you to have that.  She is more serious. More aware.  You trust her.  She is your guide to know when you should really worry.  She is your best friend.  

At 5 year a beautiful and smart and funny. You finished the kindergarten curriculum with Kat last year so I will be teaching you 1st grade. You can do basic math and read at a level 1.  You also know the first 32 Presidents.  You love barbies and Strawberry Shortcake and school.  You are amazing with Josie Hope. You love to make her laugh and you are a huge help with her.  

Daddy and Uncle Brett are your buddies but you and I, we are best friends. You are a lot like I was and I am praying that I can guide you into making better decisions than I did early with that carefree spirit that you have!!! 

You love purple and riding your bike (with no training wheels. They came off months ago!)  You love to dance and sing. We are going to let you try gymnastics this fall because you asked too.  Your heart is tender and your eyes are full of fire and love.  You will be something incredible.  I tell you always that Jesus gave you a special heart. I cannot wait to see what He has you do with it.  One of my favorite things in the world is to hear you pray. Oh you are so special Presley Rose.  For your birthday we are taking you and your friends bowling and you have asked for a Snackeez:))  I bet you get one!!! 

Happy birthday baby girl. You are a gift to us and we love you bigger than the sky!!

Mama, Daddy, Kat and Josie Hope.  

A Grateful Mama.

Understanding life and how it works and why it happens and why it ends is hopeless. There will never be a time when we get it, when we really understand EVERYTHING that has happened to us over our decades here on earth.  Wasted effort and years and time pile up as we try.  We talk to friends, we seek counseling, we ask ourselves, we argue our points all of it out of our control.  Birth, school, marriage, parenting, death.  All of it comes and goes.  Some of us get weeks here on earth and others live 100 years. None of us knowing or prepared for our last breath near as much as we would like to be.  We hurry.  We always hurry. Wishing away time.  Wishing away naps and elementary school.  Wishing away those middle school years that are awful and hard and uncomfortable. Wishing away high school so that we can get to college, so that we can go to work, so that we can find our mate, so that we can marry, so that we can have our own children, so that we can wish away naps and elementary school. 

Unless.  Unless there is a shift, a change, a traumatic even that happens that shocks you to your core.  A miracle, a death, a sickness.  Something that is so life changing that you stop wishing away time and start begging for it.  For some that event happens early in life.  For some later. For some never. But those that are fortunate enough to experience an event such as this know exactly what I am talking about it.  At the time the sadness and chaos and fear were so overwhelming that you were begging for mercy.  But then, after it was over, after you were able to take a full breath again, you saw it.  A change. A huge change.  Like someone handed you a new pair of glasses and you realized it was the first time you were ever able to see clearly.  And there it was, life, right there in front of you moving slower than you remember it.  And you were grateful.  You were relieved that it had slowed down because your heart, your soul, your everything needed it too.  All of the hurrying from the past you saw as wasted years.  And  you wish so badly that you could get them back.  But in front of you.  In front of you was the rest of your life.  And it was moving slower almost as if it was waiting for you.  It was like during your chaos, your tragedy, it had stopped.  And maybe it had, there is really no way that you can be sure. 

And so life is different, easier, less scary.  The things that were once big are now small and your fear lies only in your lack of faith that occasionally creeps in when the enemy knows you are tired.  Money, things, work, school, naps, potty training, teething, stomach bugs, these are things that no longer control you.  You take them in stride as if you are invincible because you know. You know that these things are not important.  That these things are life.  So at 3 AM when your middle child is awake feeling bad, you listen to her stories.  All of them.  And every time she asks if she can tell you one more you smile relieved that she isn't asleep yet because this is time, time that has slowed down, that you no longer wish away and that you know you will never get back.  Time with this beautiful person that you cherish more than she will ever understand.  And you are not frustrated that she is still awake or that everyone else is getting sleep but you.  You are thankful.  Thankful that you are her mama and that at 3 AM you are the one she is talking too.

Grateful.  Grateful for our loss, for our chaos, for our fight.  Grateful for my life that seems to move at a different pace than it did before.  Before Bennett, before Josie.  I am better for it.  A better mama. A better wife.  A better friend.  A better daughter. A better sister.  My faith is stronger. My hope is greater.  My fear is less.  My life is richer.  And I know. I know that I am not in control.  I know that I do not get to choose and I know that I am strong and that He holds me up when I am not.  What a gift these babies have been to our family.  Our beautiful boy who lives with Jesus and our incredible Tiny One that we got to keep.  Why we were picked to be the parents of both of these miracles I do not understand and I will not waste my time trying too. I will just be grateful and relish in the mercy of a Father that picked me to be their mama.