Monday, July 28, 2014

A Grateful Mama.

Understanding life and how it works and why it happens and why it ends is hopeless. There will never be a time when we get it, when we really understand EVERYTHING that has happened to us over our decades here on earth.  Wasted effort and years and time pile up as we try.  We talk to friends, we seek counseling, we ask ourselves, we argue our points all of it out of our control.  Birth, school, marriage, parenting, death.  All of it comes and goes.  Some of us get weeks here on earth and others live 100 years. None of us knowing or prepared for our last breath near as much as we would like to be.  We hurry.  We always hurry. Wishing away time.  Wishing away naps and elementary school.  Wishing away those middle school years that are awful and hard and uncomfortable. Wishing away high school so that we can get to college, so that we can go to work, so that we can find our mate, so that we can marry, so that we can have our own children, so that we can wish away naps and elementary school. 

Unless.  Unless there is a shift, a change, a traumatic even that happens that shocks you to your core.  A miracle, a death, a sickness.  Something that is so life changing that you stop wishing away time and start begging for it.  For some that event happens early in life.  For some later. For some never. But those that are fortunate enough to experience an event such as this know exactly what I am talking about it.  At the time the sadness and chaos and fear were so overwhelming that you were begging for mercy.  But then, after it was over, after you were able to take a full breath again, you saw it.  A change. A huge change.  Like someone handed you a new pair of glasses and you realized it was the first time you were ever able to see clearly.  And there it was, life, right there in front of you moving slower than you remember it.  And you were grateful.  You were relieved that it had slowed down because your heart, your soul, your everything needed it too.  All of the hurrying from the past you saw as wasted years.  And  you wish so badly that you could get them back.  But in front of you.  In front of you was the rest of your life.  And it was moving slower almost as if it was waiting for you.  It was like during your chaos, your tragedy, it had stopped.  And maybe it had, there is really no way that you can be sure. 

And so life is different, easier, less scary.  The things that were once big are now small and your fear lies only in your lack of faith that occasionally creeps in when the enemy knows you are tired.  Money, things, work, school, naps, potty training, teething, stomach bugs, these are things that no longer control you.  You take them in stride as if you are invincible because you know. You know that these things are not important.  That these things are life.  So at 3 AM when your middle child is awake feeling bad, you listen to her stories.  All of them.  And every time she asks if she can tell you one more you smile relieved that she isn't asleep yet because this is time, time that has slowed down, that you no longer wish away and that you know you will never get back.  Time with this beautiful person that you cherish more than she will ever understand.  And you are not frustrated that she is still awake or that everyone else is getting sleep but you.  You are thankful.  Thankful that you are her mama and that at 3 AM you are the one she is talking too.

Grateful.  Grateful for our loss, for our chaos, for our fight.  Grateful for my life that seems to move at a different pace than it did before.  Before Bennett, before Josie.  I am better for it.  A better mama. A better wife.  A better friend.  A better daughter. A better sister.  My faith is stronger. My hope is greater.  My fear is less.  My life is richer.  And I know. I know that I am not in control.  I know that I do not get to choose and I know that I am strong and that He holds me up when I am not.  What a gift these babies have been to our family.  Our beautiful boy who lives with Jesus and our incredible Tiny One that we got to keep.  Why we were picked to be the parents of both of these miracles I do not understand and I will not waste my time trying too. I will just be grateful and relish in the mercy of a Father that picked me to be their mama. 

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