When I was a kid I remember at the end of summer I was so disappointed that a WHOLE YEAR had to pass before it came again. The same for Christmas, my birthday, fall break etc. A year seemed like a life time, like eternity. I remember my mom would say " don't worry Christmas will come again next year" and I would reply over tears "next YEAR! That is SO LONG!!" ;). Oh my how times have changed.
Now I sit here in this rental house in Franklin TN and wonder how in the world an entire year has gone by!? Where did it go? What did we do? Did we even live it or did we just wake up and it was gone? I am pretty sure that we missed about 6 months of 2010. March to August is a complete blur with glimpses and memories of hospital visits, sleepless nights and sheer grief mixed with celebrations, births, weddings, birthdays and family. I don't remember much of it and what I do remember, with exception of the birth of Savannah Marie Foraker and Wendy and Brett's wedding, I wish I could forget.
But here we are back to March. March, which is now my least favorite month of the year. March, the month that marks the birth and death of our boy and the absence of the baby we lost in August that would have been due on the 16th of this month. Ugh. March. A full year has gone by and it still seems like yesterday that Doc was carrying a shovel down a hill, yesterday that my neighbor brought the orchid that sits on our table, yesterday that I called my sister and asked her what to name my boy. I hate March. And truthfully, today I want to just throw that damn orchid in the garbage can.
Yesterday was Doc's birthday and I felt terrible for him. All it did was a begin a week of memories. Hard, gory, terrible, sad memories that we have pushed away every day for a year. I tried to celebrate it with him, but he just would not let me. Everything I planned he said no and I knew that nothing would make it fun. So I made him banana pudding, which helped in the moment and that was it. No card, no present, no dinner, no celebration. Poor Doc. What a miserable birthday, just like last year, to start a miserable week.
March 1st 2011 here we are and all we can think about is March 5th. I know it will get easier every year, I know that we should look at our girls and be grateful, I know that this is all part of healing, but none of that makes this week bearable. It just doesn't. So I will play with my babies and stay busy and love on my sweet husband and pray the week goes by fast. We will get up on Friday and celebrate our boy who will be having cake and ice cream in heaven with Jesus and Hall baby #4 and RW and Mamaw and Don and Hunter and two of his cousins and Owen and all of the other angel babies that we miss and mourn and we will smile knowing that he is not alone and he is well taken care of until we get there.
This morning my mom sent me an email and it was long and sweet and thoughtful. In it she said that she would be in heaven before us and prayed that would make us feel better that she was there with him until we get there. I don't know what God has in store for today or tomorrow, so who knows which one of us will get there first. But I do know that she is right. Knowing that Bennett is there with his Grandaddy, and my Grandaddy and his Mamaw, that does make it easier. It makes it easier to be here without him and one day it will make it easier to leave this earth and go to heaven and hold my sweet boy. That my friends, makes me smile, helps me to breathe in the moments I feel like I can't, gives me joy in a time of overwhelming sorrow.
This week I will pray a lot and cry a lot and smile a lot and dream a lot of a sweet little boy with big dimples, a bald head, and giant blue eyes. I will ask God to make each moment easier and beg him for another little boy. All the while knowing that the first He will do and hoping for the second. ;) I thank each of you for loving us enough to follow our journey in the loss of our boy, for walking along side us, for picking us up when we are too tired to walk, and for the incessant prayers that have healed us more that you will ever know.
I pray that this year will bring more healing for our hearts and the hearts of those closest to us. Thank you mama, Michael and Steph for loving me enough to hear it in my voice and being there for me. I don't know what I would do without you. And Doc, Happy Birthday baby! You are my everything and my rock and this week will not last forever, I promise ;).