There are only about a thousand things going on in my head. None of which I have the patience to put into words worth reading. I will say that I am ecstatic that the sun is shining today. It gives me hope that this area which we call Middle TN will not be cold forever and that one day we will be able to go outside without a toboggan on the head of my littlest one.
I have been waiting to blog, waiting for something exciting, special, wonderful, horrible, sad, stressful, fun to talk about. And today I realized that I have none of these things and all of these thing everyday, so why not write?
It is the middle of March and time is going by so quickly that I fear that I will wake up and be 50 and not even remember what happened yesterday. We speed through these days dreaming, hoping, wishing for better, for more, for everything. Yet we wake up and we are exactly where we were the day before and cannot ever seem to get ahead. Is this life for everyone? I have no idea. It doesn't seem like it from where we stand. It seems like the fast flying days go by in our dressed up turd (as we like to call our house) while everyone else plans vacations that we cannot afford and buys cute clothes for the spring that will never grace my wardrobe. It feels like we are in March. March the month that we just cannot seem to get away from. The month that sucked for us last year and somehow has managed again to suck for us in 2011. I am certain a lot of it has to do with perspective, attitude, outlook. But at the same time looking in or out, it is just not a barrel of fun around the Hall house.
We have lights on in cars and heat that doesn't work (which shouldn't matter except that is is in the 40's still at night in this damn state). We have a condo in ATL that will sit empty in two weeks and a mtg to pay on it. We have bills and loans and a business that we have no idea what to do with. We want to move closer and father away and we cannot afford either but that doesn't matter because we can't even make a decision if we could afford it! We have people we want to help and spend endless hours trying to figure out how while they are oblivious at how much we really care. And selfishly I wonder "are they even worried about us? Do they have any idea what we are going through"?? We live in a house that we don't like in a state that we have never felt at home in with a business that has been blessed but we cannot enjoy it because of the house and the state.
I think about all that we have been through since we have moved and all that we are going through now and then I think of Kate or Harrison and I laugh at the obsurdity of my selfishness and cry at the horror of my greed. I mean really? There are people with babies that cannot swallow Melanie!! There are families with 7 year olds fighting brain cancer!! REALLY!? I am upset about money? Housing? Location? I am angry about what? I think on some days I am completely justified. I mean all I really want is to feel settled in a state I have lived in for almost 2 years, a home for my kids, my husband to be home to eat dinner and a house full of babies none of which I have. I feel sorry for myself thinking about a family who just had their 5th baby. I wanted 5 babies. I have had 4 but there are only two asleep in the room next to me. I am anxious and frustrated and tired and unsettled and scared and angry and all of it is selfish and none of it I am proud of. But I still feel that way.
So I pray and I ask Him for help. I ask for guidance and relief and answers and patience and I ask for more. More of everything because that is what we think we need right? But what I have figured out is that I need less. Less of all of it. Less stress, less stuff, less dreams, less chaos, less appointments, less obligations, less pressure. Less. I like simple. I like easy. I like less and that is what I am praying for today.
"Lord, please give me less. Please take all of this and help me to trust you to take care of it for me. Carry me so that I do not have to pick a direction. Allow me to rest and make my decisions for me. I trust you and know that you know what is best for me and my family. Amen"
That is my prayer today. That is my prayer this week.