So, as most of you know we have been trying to get pregnant for a long time. And recently, as I have been bombarded with news of new babies and new pregnancies from some of my closest and favorites I have been hearing a gentle "trust me" whisper. Initially I dismissed it as me trying to make myself feel better about my lack of pregnancy, but then it started coming at the most odd times. Times when babies were not even on my mind. Times when I felt completely at ease about, well, everything. I heard it so often and so audibly that I finally was like "OK I GET IT!". And then the month ended and the clear sign that we are NOT pregnant came and I thought, "boy He sure did think I was going to take that hard!". And then it started.
As some of you know and others do not I have not felt "well" for a while, a few months. My symptoms have been odd and sporadic and honestly, I have for the most part dismissed them. Last week, finally, I decided that maybe I should go and let someone check me out. Yes, we DO go to see doctors if we need too! By need I may have meant HAVE but whatever. Anyway, so I made some calls and got an appointment and went on in, both girls in tow, for what ended up being 5 hours of talking and testing. The result?! I have an ovarian cyst, just as we suspected. We took this news well, I have a history of this and really I already knew that is what they were going to tell me. So, we continued to pack for our much needed trip to the beach and waited on the blood test results. The following email will catch you up quick. It was sent out last week while we were at the beach.
I hope you are all doing well and I miss seeing you guys!! I have a prayer request and I thought who better to send it to? ;)
So, as you all know we have been trying to get pregnant for a long time with no luck. Well recently I have started to have some health issues. Pain, swelling, weight gain. Last week I went to a midwife for an exam and she sent me for an Ultra Sound. Sure enough, there is a mass about the size of a lemon in my right ovary. So....we thought no big deal because I have a history of ovarian tumors and in 1998 I had one removed. Next step, they ran some blood tests called and said it was all normal BUT they wanted to throw in a test called a CA 125. Sharliss I am sure you know what that is. We felt much better about the other tests being normal and (I am at the beach) went ahead enjoying the sun. So, here is the kicker. Today I called and just as the Lord would have it, it could not have been that easy. The CA 125 levels are elevated. What does that mean? Well if you ask the lady that delivered the news to me it is NOT good. So, here I am in Fla with two toddlers 30 minutes after Janet has left for GA and Shawn is flying in tonight. I am standing in the only spot in the condo that gets a signal on the phone with a midwife that is basically apologizing for telling me I have cancer over the phone. I was HYSTERICAL. Understand, I am tough but the midwife said "I hate to deliver this news on the phone, I am really sorry, go talk to God". No I am not kidding. My thoughts? Shit Damn Hell. (in honor of Sharliss, sorry Terri) ;)
Okay, so I called Shawn, had mom turn around and come hang with the girls (since mama had gone off the deep end) and then I called the Dr's office where I am already scheduled to have an appt on Wed morning to meet with a very highly recommended doc about our options. I spoke with the receptionist and asked her to move my appt to tomorrow, as I walked around and tried to start packing. She said she could not, I proceeded to beg between sobs. She put me on the phone with the nurse (meanwhile the girls are fighting and eating out of an open bag of pita chips). Thank GOD for the nurse. I have no idea what the nurses name was, all I know is that Jesus knew she is who I needed to talk to. She told me a few things 1) She had ordered the test 2) it was standard with a cyst so large 3) I needed to take a deep breath or two 4) the test in inconclusive and shows an increase with benign tumors as well as endometriosis (which we already know I have) 5) 95% of the time the radiologists are right and the radiologist said it was "just" and endometrioma (which is NOT a malignant tumor but a blood filled cyst similar to my cyst in 1998). So, I slowly stepped down from the ledge, took the chips away from the girls, took 5 deep breaths and gathered myself. I called my sweet husband who I scared to death and left him a message that we were staying at the beach. My mama came back and will leave tomorrow after Shawn gets here tonight (poor Janet I scared her, Mike and Big so badly! Oh and Sam too sorry Sam).
All of this to say that we have a Dr. appointment Wednesday at 10:30 am and though I am feeling better, there is still a chance that we are looking at something much scarier than we anticipated. Here is my request. PLEASE pray that whatever it is I will have courage. PLEASE pray that whatever it is God will carry all of us through it. PLEASE pray for me to hold it together for my kids and the best husband in the whole world. I realize that His will is what it will be and I have zero control over that. I have learned that the hard way the last couple of years with the loss of our boy. I know that worry is a lack of faith. But I have two of the sweetest most beautiful little girls in the world and a husband that loves my biscuits and Lord willing I want to be healthy and old with all three of them. So I'm probably going to worry, and then ask for forgiveness and I was hoping you guys would just have faith and pray ;) Deal??
I PROMISE to send an update as soon as I have one. We will know more after we meet with the Doc wed about options and surgery. In the mean time this is not a prayer request to keep private it is one to send to the masses if you ask me. So PLEASE put me on all the lists. I love all of you and am so blessed to be able to ask this of you.
Love and Blessings,
There you have it, that was one full day at the beach down the tubes. The rest of the trip went like this, Doc flew in, Janet finally got to go home, and we enjoyed our weekend trying to NOT worry!! After some research about this pesky CA 125 test, we discovered that the news was not quite as bad as we thought. We will not know for sure what is going on until Wednesday BUT we are leaning toward better news than we got last week!! I prayed for peace so that I could enjoy the weekend, and I got it. We came home yesterday, back to the "new house" as the girls call it ;). It is a mess, clothes everywhere, tons to still do, but it is home. And today as I was folding one of the multiple loads of laundry I thought, "this is it, this is what the "trust me" was for". It actually had nothing at all to do with not being pregnant. He was preparing me for this news. Preparing me for this "scare" as I would call it. Amazing. How thoughtful He is to care enough about me to warn me ahead of time and assure me that He was there!!!
So I am typing, without the knot in my stomach. Because even though I find myself anxious at times, I feel like it would be ridiculous to worry too much about something that is so clearly planned out by my Father in Heaven that He was preparing me for it a week before hand! I am not in control and He is and I am fine with that. Because here is the truth. If something is wrong, something that is scarier than we would like, the ONLY one that can take care of it is Him. Not us, not the Doctors. He decides. I know this, it has been made clear to me over the last few years. He decides, not me.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't trying to make a few deals with Him ;) "Dear Lord if you will let me be okay I will never ask for xxx again". Isn't it so easy to go there? But the truth is He already has it planned!! And if we go against His will, we will still end up right where He wanted us eventually. So, I have asked some of the strongest women I know to pray for me, and you can bet they will. And Wednesday will come and we will sit and listen and decide regardless of the news and TRUST just like He has been telling me to do for two weeks. Because when things are not in our control that is the only thing we can do.
Pray for Wednesday friends and TRUST no matter what you are facing, He is there, I can hear Him ;)