For my anniversary Doc gave me a new book. I am not a big reader, though I have been engulfed by a few recently, and this happens to be one of them. The Shack . Have you read it? Oh my. Without ruining it for you I will tell you that it makes you want to go to heaven, and I mean now ;). It's a wonderful book that brings peace to your soul and helps you to swallow loss a little easier. In short, I love it.
I finished it today in the midst of my girls playing and laughing around me. There was a point where I had all three of my babies in the room with me. Scooter and Presley playing together and Bennett sitting with me while I read the end of this wonderful book. These are the moments that bring me peace, that take away the heavy blanket of sadness that seems to be forever draped over my shoulders. These are the moments that remind me that Bennett is happy, safe, and fully content in the love of our Lord and I do not need to worry about him for another second! These are the moments that keep me sane. Thank you Lord for these moments.
We are about 6 weeks out from our due date, so maybe 3 from when he should have been born. I would be lying to you if I told you that I was doing just fine. I have a lot of sadness that I don't really even notice anymore. It's just there, like an ache or pain that you learn to live with and until it flares up or something aggravates it you hardly notice it anymore. That is how this pain is. I just carry it with me and occasionally something he would have loved to do, someone he would have loved to meet, aggravates it and brings the pain to the surface. This weekend we went for ice cream as a family with my mom, and there it was. A gentle, yet aggravating reminder that he was not there and was never going to be. I couldn't even get any ice cream, it just did not seem fair. But then I read this book and it was a glaring reminder that Bennett is having a lot more ice cream than I am (okay who am I fooling, most people have more ice cream than I do) but you get my point. Bennett is just fine, just like my granddaddy or my father in law. They are better than fine, they are wonderful beyond comprehension. That's the thing about people dying, we grieve for ourselves, because grieving for them is absurd, they get to go to heaven!!
Boy oh boy, I cannot wait to have an ice cream with my little man. But on the other hand I wouldn't want to miss a minute with my sweet girls. I believe that there is no sense of loss in heaven. I don't believe that Bennett is up there scared or lost without me, I believe he is perfectly content with his Heavenly Father. My girls on the other hand could probably use me for a few more years. So ice cream with my blue eyed, dimpled buddy will have to wait. But when I get there, be it tomorrow or 70 years from now, he and I are going to eat ice cream until we make ourselves SICK! ;).
Love and Blessings Friends,