I have had trouble this week coming up with something to talk about. I don't know why, we have plenty going on! I am kind of in a funk and it just doesn't seem to be coming easy the last few days. It's so freakin hot here in Franklin TN that it is almost impossible to go outside. So I have two girls bored to death just waiting for me to come up with something exciting to do. I am just not really creative, my mom was much better than I am about finding things to do . It's just not my strength.
I have sworn off TV because Scooter has decided to replace yes or yes ma'am with mmm hmmm. I think not my friends. A two year old that answers you with mm hmm!? I am positive it is from over exposure to Hannah Montana or Zack and Cody. It's my fault. She doesn't get to watch a lot of TV but when she does I let her pick, mistake number 1,472. They just keep adding up! Anyway, there goes the TV. She is now limited to 30 minutes twice a day. Once in the morning while I fix breakfast and once while I get Presley to sleep for her nap. That's it. Speaking of naps, I do have them sleeping in the same room for naps which is wonderful unless one of them wakes up too early and then I end up with two grumpy kids on my hands by 3 PM. Baby steps right!?
My brother is coming this weekend. We have a big day Saturday, a lot to look forward too. We are going to the Loveless Cafe http://www.lovelesscafe.com/. It's so good and really close to where we buried our little man, so we are going to go by for a visit. I sure do miss him, especially now that he should actually be here. It's hard knowing that we should have a little boy in the mix and not having him. I have quite a few friends due with babies any day now and I am so excited for them, and truthfully grateful that they did not have to go through what we went through. I would not wish it on anyone, nor would I switch places with anyone I love. God gives us what we can handle. Not everyone can handle losing a baby like that and I realize that. Lucky us ;).
I have a really close friend that lost a little one at 3 years old and I admire her so much for her strength. I look at these girls I have and I try to figure out how I would even breathe the next day if something was to happen to one of them. I just don't know that I could. That's the thing about God, He knows, He knows what we can take and how much of it we can take. He knows who is strong enough to face death, disease, divorce (I just realized how many yucky things start with a D...hmm...devil starts with a d too!!). He knows what we are capable of surviving and what we aren't. So we either take it as He gives it to us and move forward or we try and prove Him wrong and shut down. Thankfully, I have two beautiful girls and an amazing husband, so I moved forward desite my urge to stay in bed and cry for months.
Now that we are approaching his due date the sadness is not worse, I don't feel more anger or loss and I am so happy about that. What I do feel is fear. Fear that we will forget him. Fear that one day when someone asks me how many babies I have had I will only number and name the ones that are living. Fear that we will forget to honor him and remember him and let him count in our family and in our lives. My guess is that happens a lot with death before birth because there was never really a baby for everyone to see or hold. So only those of us who carried and delivered these children really remember them as they deserve to be remembered. Of course that makes perfect sense, but it seems really unfair.
My prayer is that I will remember every single bit of the day that he was born, no matter how awful it was at the time. Because that was Bennett's day. March 4, 2010 is his day and regardless of how hard it was for us, he is our baby and we should remember and rejoice that we had it with him. Thank you sweet Jesus for allowing me to carry, deliver and touch that sweet baby boy is what we should be saying everyday. That was our time with our son, and that's all we are going to get until we join him in Heaven. Oh my the fun we will have when we get there!! Talk about spoiled rotten!!
I had a friend contact me and her family recently suffered a similar loss. My heart broke for her sister in law about 1000 times. I pray that she will find some comfort somewhere because I know that in the first few weeks it seems like the harder you search for it the further away it is. I sent her a short note and my book that I told you about "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I pray that she will find some comfort in it as I did. I may never hear from her, and that's okay. My objective was not to make a friend. My objecive was to let her know that she not alone in this world, and there are others who know exactly how she feels. That helped me, so I am hoping that will help her. I am not going to put her name on here but I would like for you to please pray for her. Just call her Melanie's friend that lost baby Hunter.
Thank you sweet friends. You prayers have brought me more comfort and peace than you will ever know! I am hoping they will do the same for her!!
Love and Blessing,