Well friends, it's the end of July and August is quickly approaching. Depending on where you are in life, that could mean a lot of things. School's starting back soon for some of you which means early morning fights with sleepy kids and late night projects with grumpy ones! For others of you August means more traffic and earlier trips to Starbucks to start your day. Maybe August brings you to your vacation FINALLY, and you have been wishing away July waiting for it! Whatever August brings to you, I pray that it comes with ease and blessings.
Unfortunately for us, August is not bringing what life promised us 9 months ago. I sit here and I type with a heavy heart and a small belly reminded that we will not be holding our baby boy anytime soon. I told my Doc just the other night, that even though I realize he's gone, there is still a part of me that keeps thinking that it was all a very bad dream and we will in fact wake up with our Bennett sometime in the next two weeks. But then I realize that it was actually a very harsh reality, and he will never be here on this earth with us. I have my babies at home, it is hard and truthfully you don't wish for labor when you have natural childbirth instead you just take it when it comes. But I assure you that I would take days of labor as hard as it could come if I knew that at the end of it I would get to hold that sweet boy.
Sometimes I find myself frustrated with God, arguing with Him to help me to understand why we could not keep our Bennett. I mean we are good parents, we love having babies and we try our best to take good care of them and raise them right. I don't really understand why good parents have to lose babies when so many bad ones get to keep them. But then I am reminded of my friends that have not even had the joy of having one healthy baby, much less two. I am reminded of the women I know that have struggled years to get pregnant and have never seen that little blue plus sign that makes the rest of us SO HAPPY! I think of how blessed I am, and I realize that feeling anything less than grateful seems very selfish. Knowing that is the easy part, actually feeling that way is a different story. Trust me when I tell you that if you lose a child, early, late, or after birth no matter how many have come before or after, you still feel like you got gypped. You still feel like something was taken from you that was yours and you always want it back, no matter how long it has been.
So to be completely honest with you today I feel gypped. I am not ungrateful for what I have, but I am not walking around blissfully happy having forgotten that I should be having a little boy any day now. I am pissed at someone but I have no idea who. I am sad and I am a little lonely to tell you the truth. I am missing my little guy that I love so much, my big belly that I should be rubbing, restless nights of uncomfortable sleep, huge boobs filled with milk, anxiety over the labor that awaits me, missing all of it.
So today I ask you for prayers. Prayers for peace, for understanding and for joy to combat the sorrow that I imagine will hang with me over the next few weeks, months and years. Thank you my sweet friends for listening and for allowing me to share with you.
Love and Blessings,