Friday, May 28, 2010

Just breathe.

Today I have been bombarded with tragedy. It seems to come in waves. Fortunately, none of it directly affects my family, but all of it directly affects my heart. I have been asked to pray for a family who lost two daughters in the same car accident. Both with young children. Can you imagine how their parents must feel? Of course you can't, neither can I. Then I was asked to pray for Holly and Michael who lost a son named Austin, she was 27 weeks pregnant. 9 months ago they lost a daughter named Lily Grace at 21 weeks. Two babies in less than a year.

I am not even sure how you recover from tragedies such as these. How you work, how you live, how you breathe. I can tell you first hand that the loss of a child takes your breath so often that you literally have to concentrate on breathing in and out on some days. The thought of losing two babies, or two as adults overwhelms me with fear and anxiety.

My two girls are my life and after the loss of Bennett I feel myself clinging to them harder, watching them closer. Yet today I am reminded that I have absolutely NO control over their lives. I do not get to choose when they meet Jesus anymore than I got to choose when they were brought into this world. I look at them and watch them in awe of how amazing they really are. Watching them grow and learn and play has brought me more happiness than I ever thought possible. Being a parent is a huge gift that God has blessed me with, and I have to trust and know that He has a plan for them.

We are a family of strong faith, we trust with many major areas of our lives. We have our babies at home and we do it with no fear. But I find myself, in the last few months, bargaining with God. Trying to explain to him how important these girls are to me, asking Him to please let me have them for the rest of my life, let me watch them grow up, be there when they are married, hold their babies. I know it's absurd, I realize that bargaining with God is useless. His will is His will and regardless of my plan, that's how it is going to be.

So how do you trust with your babies? How do you let go completely? I don't know. I have no idea why He gives us these people that we make and mold and love beyond comprehension and then expects us to let go of them even if it is to let Him have them. I wish I did. I wish I could tell you that I do this everyday, that I never question, that I never ask, that I just trust when it comes to my girls, but I can't. I think I was probably better about it before Bennett. But I am sure even then I did not let go completely.

Proverbs 3:5 and 6:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding, seek His will in all that you do, He will show you which path to take.

I totally believe in the scripture, as a matter of fact, I remind myself of this daily. Still, when it comes to my kids, I immediately go to, "sure, I will be happy to follow you, but do I need to bring my kids along because I would rather just leave them safe in their rooms sleeping with their daddy here to protect them".

I have learned in the last few months that we do not get to choose. This family who lost their two girls in one accident, they had no choice. Holly and Michael, as they bury another little one, they were not asked if this was okay. He chooses, and we trust or we don't, but still He chooses. I pray for understanding when it comes to His choices for my kids in the years to come. I pray for courage to hand them over to Him, knowing that He loves them even more than I do. I beg for the strength to understand the loss of my boy and the courage to trust Him with another pregnancy in my future. In the mean time, as I go day to day and take what He gives me, just as these families do, regardless of how hard it may be, I will continue to breathe.

Have a blessed day friends, and squeeze those babies no matter how old they are!!

Lots of Love,


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