Tuesday, May 18, 2010

It's one of those days.

Occasionally, Doc brings home something little that a patient has brought him. While I imagine that for most of his career this will be cookies or a thank you card, for this season of our lives it has been sympathy cards. Most of our patients are familiar with the story of Bennett. Doc has been able to share with them, when appropriate, and has always been met with compassion and kind words.

Yesterday he came home with a small, preciously wrapped package finished with a green and white polka dotted ribbon that is now prancing around our house in Scooter's hair. I opened it and I thought, "great another book about someone who lost a baby". I sat the book on the counter and went back to my evening of healthy cookies, Dancing with the Stars and Castle.

This morning I woke up sad. It does not happen very often, thank God, but today is one of those days. I put my girls down for a much needed early nap and walked into my kitchen. I stood there trying to decide, do I shower and cry, wash dishes and cry, or do I just sit on the couch and cry? There on the counter, next to the book that I tossed aside the night before, was the simple yet profound note that had been attached: "With thoughts, prayers, and understanding...May this book make you feel that you are not alone" M&J. I remembered that Doc had told me that this particular couple was also part of the lost babies club, and that they had shared some of their story with him. I thought to myself, "why not!? I could not possibly feel worse".

So I opened the book and began to read. I read about a woman who had strong faith and a healthy family. I read about the loss of her fourth child hours after birth. I read about her faith during the pregnancy and how even though she had other healthy children she still struggled and grieved like this was her only one. As God would have it my children took unusually long naps. He is pretty amazing isn't He!? I did not finish the book, but I was able to get through enough of it and you know what? M&J were right, it made me feel like I was not alone.

For some reason reading about another family's loss, another woman's grief, another baby that went directly to live with Jesus and missed all there was to offer on this earth, for some reason this made me feel better. The only way that I can describe it is to have you think back to when you were a kid playing ball. Remember how it felt the times that you were at bat and did not make it on base, how you sat on the bench in the dugout feeling like you were all alone even amongst all of your teammates. Then, as life would have it, you were joined by another kid that failed at his attempt to round the bases. And even though it still sucked to be you, it was a little easier when you were not alone. This is how reading this woman's story made me feel. It still sucked to be me, but it was nice to know that someone else knew how I felt and was sitting on the same bench that I was.

I plan to finish this book and have a strange feeling that I may one day soon open the others that were sent to me by a dear friend who has also shared my bench. As a mother of two little ones, I may not get to finish it as soon as I would like. However, I have faith that I will again be blessed with a moment of peace just when it's needed.

Philippians 4:7 ...the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

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