Tuesday, September 7, 2010

This I know.

It is Tuesday morning and I am sitting in my bed chatting with you.  There is no one standing beside me asking me for a snack, no dirty diaper to change, no paci to look for, and no fussing to be heard...it is entirely too quiet.  For the first time in three years someone has both of my babies and I am still at home.  Now you would think I would be dancing around the house naked or laying on the couch eating whatever I wanted, or hell, still asleep! But no, I am awake thanks to my phone ringing five times between the hours of 8 and 9 and my poor body still recovering from all of the meds they pushed in me in the last two weeks!  Oh, I have not told you that!  You will not believe this, I had to go BACK to the hospital. 

The last six months of my life is kinda like being on that show candid camera.  Do you remember that show?  They would hide a camera and play a practical joke on someone and then say " Smile! You're on candid camera!"  Sometimes the jokee (for lack of a better word) would smile and laugh and other times they would knock the crap out of the person standing beside them and walk out of the room.  I would be the latter.  Anyway, without going into too much detail I will tell you the basics. Wednesday night I was sick the entire night with pain, Thursday my midwife and trusted friend advised me to go to Vanderbilt, Thursday afternoon Doc cleared the calendar AGAIN and off we went, Thursday night Janet arrived AGAIN (we are going to have to get that woman a helicopter!), Friday AM after an ultrasound, a pelvic, a rectal exam (no I am not kidding) and a CT scan of my entire abdomen, they sent me home with a muddied bill of health saying that nothing MAJOR was wrong.  All be it for me to argue with the doctors but in the last 6 months I have buried a little boy, miscarried a baby and lost enough O+ blood to keep the Red Cross stocked for a week...I would say that is plenty of "major" wouldn't you?

So my sweet mother came and helped and took my girls home with her to give us a much needed moment to recoup from the hell that has been our lives for the last 6 months.  We have had a great time eating, sleeping and spending money.  It's like a mini vacation in Nashville!  Doc has spoiled me rotten (what's new?) and we have had some much needed laughter! Oh and as a bonus mom left us her Volvo convertible and the weather has been GREAT!  We have been riding TOP DOWN and loving every minute of it. 

So here I sit, it is Tuesday and my kids have been gone for a month, no wait a week, okay two nights but it feels like a month.  I love my babies, they are my world and honestly all I know here in TN.  I have NO idea what to do today.  I am taking Doc lunch and I plan to clean the bathroom.  That's it.  Pathetic huh!?  Don't feel sorry for me. I love that my life is my family.  I love that my girls are my BFFs.  I love that without them and Doc I am bored to tears because that means that where I am supposed to be is WITH them!! 

As I sit here and type I think of my sweet greedy Jesus up there rocking my two babies that He took from me in 2010.  I imagine what they look like and how they smell.  I think of how lucky they are that they get to sit in His lap already when the rest of us struggle on this earth waiting for our turn.  My heart is both breaking and rejoicing at the same time missing being pregnant and knowing that I should have a little boy sleeping beside me as I write.  I have grief that at times seems too heavy to carry and I am constantly praying that He will lighten it just a bit.  I remind myself daily that my time on this earth is like a drop of water in the ocean compared to eternity.  This always brings a smile to my face because eternity is where I will see all of my babies and my Father that has blessed me with them.  I rest in the fact that in my 35 years the last five have made my life worth living and the last 6 months have not for a moment taken away from that.  It makes me smile knowing that my heart is so filled with Him and my life with His mercy and grace that I can suffer so much loss and still fill so much love, what a wonderful Lord He is.  I pray that if you feel lost or sad that you will turn to the One that can bring you joy in the midst of sorrow and love in the midst of hate.  I pray that you are reminded that this life is not your eternity, this is not what you are living for, and today is not all there is for you.  Keep you heads up and your hearts full my friends, heaven awaits!


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