Sharing Miracles

This morning, I had a friend reach out saying she had just found my blog, and she had spent the evening reading it.  My goodness when I go back and look I think "well I hope she grabbed some tissues and coffee because this sucker is a tough read in places".  And so I pulled it up and sat down with my own coffee and thought, "what the heck, let's write something".  

I am at a weird age.  I am 50 with a 12 year old, my sister is going to be a grandma in February, and my friend's parents are starting to make their way to heaven one by one.  I have been immensely blessed. I am under no delusion that my life has been hard.  Have there been pockets of hard? Yes. But let's be honest here, nothing compared to some of you reading.  Both of my parents are still alive, my siblings and I still communicate weekly, my sister is still one of my best friends, my nieces and nephews are healthy. I have lost Bennett, my grandparents and one Uncle (who was my person) in my entire lifetime. I get to stay at home and raise my kids. My husband is fiercely committed to me, to providing for us and to spoiling us in every way.  

In my lifetime I have prayed for two miracles for myself, one was for Josie, and the other was for my daddy.  And so as if I have a deal with Jesus, I do what I like to call "share my miracles".  Let me give you an example.  During COVID Meg's mom and dad ended up in the hospital at the same time. If you don't know who Meg is, you don't know me very well so real quick, she is one of my Canadians.  Yes, I have 5 of my very own Canadians. That's for another time.  Anyway, it was terrifying.  Meg called me, I couldn't go of course because, well, COVID.  So instead, I prayed. I prayed relentlessly for her mom and dad.  I sent voice notes to her mom IN THE HOSPITAL praying over her and then I made a deal with the Lord.  I went to Him and I asked Him if I could give Megan one of my miracles.  

Ok so I get it, this is probably not how it works.  But that is how I pray.  I believe in miracles. I have seen a miracle. A real life, no one can argue with it miracle.  She lives with me.  So I know for a fact that the Lord is in the business of miracles, and every now and then, I ask him if I can share mine.  I shared one with Meg.  I have shared one with Sam.  I have shared one with my friend, Melanie when her son was injured.  I have one reserved for my friend Wendy.  Don't get me wrong I don't just go around handing them out (wink wink). And there is nothing biblical about this whatsoever.  But I have always been accused of having childlike faith and sometimes I pray like a child. "Jesus, my friend needs a miracle, and if she is all out, please give her one of mine". And if I am being honest, sometimes He answers.  And I catch myself thinking (this is ridiculous so don't tell anyone) but I think "is this my last one? Am I asking the Lord for this one and when I need one for myself will I be all out?" 

But I pray it anyway, "give her mine Lord". Because I know, oh how I know what it is like to need a miracle. And I know for a fact that there were people that gave me one of theirs for Josie. Jo Tallman, Sisse Pfeiffer, my parents, my mother-in-law, Brett, my sister.  I know that every single one of them and so many of you went to the Lord, unselfishly on our behalf and said "give them one of mine, Lord and let that baby girl live" And He did.  And I know what it does to the hearts of a family, of children, when they witness one. 

3 years ago we moved to Lewisburg, TN on 30 acres.  It's way out here in the middle of nowhere.  We knew no one in Marshall County, but we were ready for change, and space and fresh air.  And it was the right move for us.  Jo has thrived out here, the girls love it, Doc has conceded to the drive and is made to have land and space to be away from people and chaos.  It is my favorite home to date for many reasons.  We've had a lot of homes, so this is saying something.  The only thing that was missing were people to do life with. And about a year ago, we found those people.  A family of five, living up the road, who we met at church. And now we have family in TN.  We have people that we love, that show up, that make my kids happy, that support their dreams.  I tease that I went from 3 kids to 6.  But the truth is that I love those other three as much as you can love kids that you didn't birth yourself.  God orchestrated this absolutely wonderful and insanely intentional situation that I never would have imagined.  But here we are.  And those people, that family, those kids that I love so much, they need a miracle.   

I am 50. And I know that the time is coming where parents and aunts and uncles and friends start making their way to heaven sooner than I would like.  The time is coming where my girls start to build families and have babies and make their own way in the world.  And in my childlike mind, with my silly little deal that I have with Jesus I think "how many do I have left?" And honestly, maybe I am all out.  But here is the truth, even if there's just one.  Just one left in my "pile of miracles", I am asking the Lord to give it to my friends.  Not because I am unselfish, but because I am completely selfish.

 Deuteronomy 10:21 reminds us "He is the one you praise: He is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes" and in Jeremiah we read "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"  I believe in miracles. Big, huge, hard, life changing miracles.  I believe in the power of prayer.  I have seen you all pray incessantly for my tiny girl and watched as God answered in HUGE ways.   I am asking you to pray for my friend, Matt.  He needs a miracle, a new heart, and to stay well why he waits.  I am asking you to believe in that for him and my friend Mindy and those three kids that I love so much.  As for me, I am sharing a miracle with my friends and believing that the Lord will answer.  

If you would like to support them in any way here is a link where you can do so:

https://www.giveinkind.com/inkinds/V5A4O3N

When Jesus says NO...Happy Birthday, Bennett

I was talking to a friend yesterday, a friend who is desperate for a YES from God.  A friend who is begging, pleading, praying for a yes and has been for years.  I was texting her an encouraging word, trying to come up with something to say that was better than the same cliche BS that we all send back and forth to one another when our friends are desperate but we are busy.  Let's be honest, you all know what I am talking about.  As I started replying to her text, I quickly realized that I fall short in the department of "empty encouragement" and succeed beautifully in the department of "brutal honesty".  If you know me, you know this is true.  And as I typed my response I could not help but realize that we were right at the anniversary of the day that Jesus gave me a resounding NO that changed my relationship with Him forever.  

Today Bennett would be 15. And if I had my way, I'd be cleaning house and making LOADS of food to feed him and all of his friends. If I had my way I would have already been shopping with Jo for a gift that she knew would be just perfect. If I had my way Presley would be making his favorite cake this morning which I am certain would be vanilla with peanut butter icing. If I had my way Kat and Bennett would be leaving soon so she could drive him to whatever it is he wanted to spend his birthday doing.  If I had my way, his daddy would be off today rather than working, because he takes all of their birthdays off every year.  

But we don't always get our way, do we?  And that my friends, is the beauty and the heartbreak of being created by the One true God, He decides and we do not.  And so here I am blogging once again about my boy, after what has been a very long time away from the computer to tell you that a No from God is hard.  And that being angry about a no, being sad about a no, being downright pissed off about a no, is okay. Hell, I am still mad about mine.  And the day I buried that little boy, even a mustard seed of faith seemed like a mighty big ask.  

"Time heals all wounds" is complete crap.  I think Rose Kennedy said it best when she said "The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."  I am not sure I could have said it better. And I know this for fact this is true because it has been 15 years since we lost Bennett and recently I was asked to speak about him on a Warrior Moms podcast, (check them out at warriormoms.buzzsprout.com ), and days leading up to the interview I would breakdown remembering while I was trying to prepare what to say.  

God does huge things with our loss, with our pain and one of the biggest thing He does with it is change us.  He makes us better from it if we let Him.  And then He uses it to shape others, to encourage them, so that He can say to them "Look at that lady, look what she has been through, look how she still shines".  And that is what I said to my friend.  I told her I would pray for her faith.  Because God has already decided what He is going to do for her and what He is not.  But at the end of the day, she must hold onto her tiny mustard seed so that He can finish whatever He has started with her.  Everyone is praying for her hearts desires, me I am praying for her light to keep shining no matter what He decides.  

Dear Bennett, 

Today you would be 15.  Have I told you before how much I love teenage boys? Ugh, they are so much fun to me.  They make me laugh, I love their sports, I love feeding them, everything about them makes me happy.  I have had the privilege (thanks to your sisters who have a blast having guy friends) of being surrounded by teenage boys.  I have watched them grow up, I have celebrated their birthday parties, I have bought them fun boy presents, I have pulled relentlessly for their sports teams, screamed from the stands, paid for apps to watch them play in other countries. I wear their hoodies and their team colors.  We have 30 acres and a house full of things boys would enjoy doing, and they come and. they eat my food and leave mud in our garage and I love every second of it.  Their mamas and daddys share them with us, and I am so grateful.  

Of course none of that makes up for us missing you.  But it does make me smile that God has used all of these boys to make your sisters tougher, more competitive, and drive them absolutely nuts.  We all miss you, but at this point in life I would have to think your daddy misses you the most.  You would be his best friend, the one that laughs at all of his in appropriate jokes (thank goodness Josie is willing to do this), the one that gets his sarcasm and let's it roll right off (Presley stands in for you here) and the one that is his right hand man whenever he needs to get something done, and done right (thank God for Kat).  Your sisters are amazing, they are best friends and I'd say the only thing missing is you.  But everyday we say your name, we wear shirts, we send emails, we send letters and posters, all with your name on it. So we never forget, buddy. 

Me, well you make me look forward to heaven.  One day the two of us will sit down and I'll tell you everything you missed and you'll tell me everything you didn't miss because you were there all along.  But not today, today I am going to take these sisters of yours to the gym and we are going to come home and make a birthday cake for their friend, he will be 17 tomorrow.  Isn't it funny how God knows exactly what we need and when we need it? Right down to the excuse to make a birthday cake on your birthday.  I love you buddy.  Don't think for a second we wouldn't trade everything we have done without you, to have you here.  

Happy 15th,

Love mama