Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Truth Is.

I am a stay at home mom. My job is endless. I work 24 hours a day seven days a week and am lucky to get six sporadic hours of sleep throughout the night.  No, I don't have an infant.  Instead I have a 20 month old that has never slept through the night and a 3 year old that ends up in my bed at least 4 nights a week.  Am I complaining? Nope.  This is my life and I love it.  I am grateful to my husband who works his tail off so that I can raise our kids and I am grateful to my Lord who has blessed his business so that we can afford it.  Are we rich? Nope.  Matter of fact I have 4 t-shirts all from the Gap, all the same style and I rotate them throughout the week.  That and 3 pairs of jeans is my entire wardrobe.  Well and three bags of maternity clothes. 

I as I sit here and type in a six year old white long sleeve t-shirt, Doc's sweat pants, hair a pulled back in a pony tail, no bra, feet desperate for a pedicure or a cheese grater, with yesterday's eye makeup still lingering I have to laugh out loud.  I mean really?!  Look friends, I love being a mom and a wife and I wouldn't trade it for the world but I have to giggle when I think back at the dreams I had for myself when I was 18 years old.

Think about it for a moment today in between wiping butts and noses and trying to pull yourself together to go to the grocery store.  Or if you are at work, between mindless projects that drag you through the day that you are begging to end.  If we are all telling the truth you and I both know that our vision for ourselves was a little different than where we ended up.  Not better just different.  Okay look I will share mine with you and you can continue to lie to yourself or join in the fun whatever works. 

So I am 35 years old and next month I will be 36.  When  I was 18 here is how I imagined myself at 36.  Blonde (I love being a blonde), 120 lbs (which I have not been SINCE I was 18), driving a convertible BMW M5 (or whatever the best one is which of course I do not know because that dream died 15 pounds ago). I was going to be a sucessful pediatrician owning my own practice.  Now this one is extra hilarious because not only am I married to a chiropractor, but we don't take our kids to the pediatrician. Ever.  I was going to be married to a tall, dark, and handsome man and though I did not get dark I did get relatively tall and very handsome (so this one turned out ok ;)).  We were going to live in Virginia Highlands, which is a very trendy spot in the ATL.  Middle TN is not even close.  I was going to have 4 kids, at least two of them being boys and by the time I was 36 I was going to be DONE having them and already have my boobs put back in the correct spot.  I have failed miserably in this catagory. I am not even close to done and the spot my boobs are supposed to be in, well I am not even sure it's still there.   We were going to be wealthy, live in a beautifully redone old house and own a place in Florida (look I was 18 people bare with me).  So yeah, we live in a 25 year old rental house beside the highway that has rotting extrerior doors and a porch that is going to fall off from the termites.  Oh and that house in Fla, it's there, it's just not in my name or anyone's name that I know for that matter. This and you can add in tons of traveling all over the world and that about sums it up for my dreams at 18.  I do have a passport and it has been stamped 3 times so I have not failed completely right!?  

My point is that the grass always looks greener, prettier, easier, younger, happier, more fun. But the TRUTH is that none of this matters. The truth is that I have a beautiful little girl that will be three tomorrow.  I have a 20 month old that makes me laugh more anyone on the planet.  I have a husband that  hands down has the best set of dimples I have ever seen.  The truth is that my parents are both still alive and my brother and sister are my very best friends.  The truth is that all of my dreams at 18 were nothing but that, dreams.  And the reality that lies before me is so much better than those dreams. Okay, I will admit the boob job thing sounds pretty good, and the beach house, okay and yes I would like to live somewhere without rotting doors and termites but you get my point.   

Last night I had a dream.  I have no idea what it was about but I will tell you I woke up and remembered one thing.  In my dream I was told "I am second".  I am not kidding that is what I remember about my dream.  I woke up this morning and had to smile at my life and at the less than subtle reminder that the Lord had given me as I slept last night. I am second.  He is first. He is the reason that I have any and all of the things that make me happy.  He is the reason that I got to wake up this morning and love on my babies.  He is the reason my mom and dad are still alive and my family still intact. He is first and He reminded me of that last night and truthfully I needed the reminder.  All the stuff that we wanted and the things that we had to have, that is all they are, things. They mean nothing.  Our salvation, our faith, our walk, that is what matters.  Our treasure will be found in Heaven,  not here, not on this earth.

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." Matthew 19:21

So today I do not mourn for my lack of things.  I do not miss my career, my BMW, my house in Florida (notice I did not say my boobs) but instead I am grateful for what I do have which is a beautiful family, two happy little girls, and a Lord that loved me enough to send His son to DIE for me so that I would live in Heaven for eternity with him and my grandaddy and my little boy and baby Hall #4 and everyone else that I love.   Today I will praise my Lord for my blessings and for the reminder that I am second and He is first and as long as I live that out to to the best of my ability I will enjoy my treasure for eternity, which is a lot longer than 100 years.


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