I was talking to a friend today, one of my closest friends that lives 2200 miles away. She was calling to check on us. We talked only briefly but long enough for she and I both to realize that there are really no words to explain what has happened to our world and that words like okay and fine don't work anymore. Our lives, our home, our hearts have experienced a great shift. It's like an earthquake came right through the middle of 116 Golden Meadow Lane and we are all standing on the same side looking into the giant hole and wondering if we will ever get across again. The stuff on the other side that we can see but cannot touch are things like restful sleep, fearless moments, peace, certainty, "normal life". All of those things and many more that we haven't even realized we miss yet are on the other side of that giant hole and we know, we know that it will be months before the hole is small enough for us to jump over and even then it will still be there.
Today I woke up and realized the date and what hit me so hard about November 25th is that I missed November 22nd. November 22nd isn't a big date for me in my world, but it is a HUGE date for someone that I love very much and I missed it. I realized it and I cried. Not because she will be mad or upset with me but because I realized that this is what my life will be like for a long time. A life where we are just trying to get to the next day unaware of what day it really is or what it may mean to someone outside of our little world and it made me feel selfish. I hate feeling selfish. I hate being the person that needs everyone to make her life easier. I hate being the one that has to say no to the people I love, not because I want too but because I have too for my own sanity. I hate missing holidays and knowing that Christmas is coming up and it is not going to be the way everyone else wants it to be. Instead it will be the way we need it to be because that is the only choice we have right now. And I hate having no choice.
But this is our world and it is the world that He put us in. And even though I hate the way some of it makes me feel, I love that He trusted us with such a huge, life changing experience. I love that He let me be the mom of the tiny girl in the NICU at Centennial Medical. I love that He made me the wife of the man that makes her healthier every time he holds her. I love that He brought us Uncle Brett to help and is changing his life as He changes ours. I love that my girls, one day, will understand what we went through and will be able to say without a doubt that their God is a God of miracles and we have living proof. I love that our family, our friends, our neighbors, our patients, our community, our world is being touched everyday by our sweet Josie Hope, showing them all what the Lord is made of. And I love that I know without a doubt in my heart that He is in control and whatever He decides is part of a perfect plan.
So today I will drive up to see my sweet girl, I will hold her, I will feed her, I will talk to her, and I will pray over her. She will not go a day without knowing how much we love her or how amazing she is. And as I leave her, and I hate to leave her, I will remember the things that I love. I will thank Him for her again and I will praise Him for making me part of a miracle that is beyond any I could have ever imagined. Thank you for loving us, for reading, and for praying. You are all part of our journey and our miracle.
Melanie
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