Tonight as I lay in bed someone that I love very much is preparing to deliver a baby girl. A perfect baby girl that she has carried for 32 weeks. A baby girl that would make her family a family of five, that has a name and a room and two sisters. A baby girl that will go straight to Jesus. I do not pretend to understand babies that go straight to Jesus. It is hard for me to grasp their purpose at times and even harder to understand when you are in the thick of it. I realize that they all serve a purpose in some way. That their death before they lived on this earth glorifies His kingdom in ways that we may never understand. I trust that. However, explaining that to a mother that is going to have to deliver a baby that will never breathe is a whole different ballgame.
Until we lost Bennett I was pretty good with everything that I understood: life, death, and the in-between. Sin, forgiveness, love, hate. And then I delivered a perfect baby boy that never cried, or breathed, or moved and all of the sudden I had a question. All of the sudden I realized that I did not in fact understand everything. That I did not trust His plan 100% if this was part of it. I imagined myself many times standing before the Lord when it is my turn and saying "Excuse me Father, before I go in I have a question". Sounds ridiculous yes, but their is a little bit of crazy that comes with burying your baby. I realize of course that when it is my time, the Glory of the Lord will shine so brightly and be so incredibly beautiful that stopping at the gate to ask a question is never going to happen. But let's just say if there is a box for unanswered questions, I am dropping mine in.
So tonight, unlike many since March 4, 2010, I am grateful that the Lord trusted me to take that baby boy and keep on loving Him. Because today when my sweet, sweet girl called me and needed direction, advice, help, support, I was able to give it to her. I was able to tell her that I understood exactly how she felt. I was able to tell her what I wished I would have done, hopefully making her experience a little more bearable and special. I was able to cry with her and prepare her for the hardest part, and yes there is a hardest part. And when I hung up the phone, I cried and I said thank you to my Mighty Mighty Lord for allowing me the privilege to have suffered a great loss so that I could hold the hand of someone I loved and ease her suffering even just a bit.
So tonight I lay my head down and I pray for my sweet girl and what she will go through over the next 24 hours. And I pray for her heart as her entire world changes. And I PRAISE Jesus for allowing me to be able to walk with her whenever she needs me. And then....then I think of Josie and I am quickly reminded that yes the Lord takes away, but when He gives, boy does He give 100%. For I have witnessed a great loss yes, but it has been followed by a GREAT MIRACLE.
Amen.
Please pray for me sweet girl and her family. And PRAISE for my Josie Hope.
Love and Blessings,
Melanie
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