Happy 4th Birthday Sissy.

Dear Presley Rose,

I would apologize for being late in writing this but honestly, over the last month I have been trying desperately to give you and your big sister some much needed attention and therefore things like blogging and journals have taken a back seat.  The good news is that our home, our lives, our everyday is getting closer and closer to normal.  At four I would argue that you do not understand the magnitude of what our family has been through.  Jesus has blessed you with a carefree heart and you pay very little attention to detail unlike your sweet Kat.  I thank Him continuously for protecting you from the reality and fear that she seems to be very aware of.  I think in some ways she protects you too, and you, well you make her laugh.  Jesus paired you perfectly to survive in a home that He tests regularly like He does ours. 

Oh my sweet, sweet, beautiful baby girl.  You turned four and as I type tears roll down my face as I am met with the reality that you are getting bigger than I would like faster than I would like.  We had a birthday party for you at the park, a Dora birthday party.  Just what you wanted.  You had so many friends come that you did not even have interest in opening presents!  Brett and Brianna and Georgia and Celeste and Violet and Mia Blaise were all there to celebrate with you.  Along with Nana who came from Alabama.  I made you chocolate cupcakes with marshmallow cream filling and purple icing, just like you asked for.  We had burgers and cupcakes with the people that love us most in TN.  It was fun!  The weekend prior Janet and Big were here for your first ballet recital.  You and Kathryne were amazing.  You love dance, you practiced that routine several times a day for weeks and you were wonderful.  Mama and daddy were so proud of you. 

Presley, at four you are so many things.  You are almost as big as Kat.  You and she can share a lot of the same clothes.  She is your very best friend, and you are almost lost without her when she is not around.  It reminds me of myself and Aunt Sissy and I and that makes my heart smile.  You are funny and silly and brave.  You try hard and you want to be good at everything Kathryne is good at.  You have these giant blue eyes that look like your mama's and you have your daddy's skin.  So in the summer you are brown as a berry with these huge eyes and white amazing curls.  You are breathtaking. 

Your outlook on life is carefree. You can't wait to go to heaven and you are ready at any moment for God to stop by and give you your magic wings so that the ceiling will open when you fly up to see Jesus and your brother.  You aren't afraid like Kathryne is, and many times I hear you comforting her.  Oh how you love her and baby Josie.  You like pink and purple. You like Dora and Doc McStuffins.  You love chocolate and chicken and chips sauce and mole.  You have good manners and a sweet, tender heart that your daddy can break just by looking at you if your are in trouble.  You are a lot like your mama.  In some ways that is really good, in other ways that is a little scary. 

Your best friends are Kathryne and the neighbors ;)  Oh my do you love our neighbors.  Your new sister has lit up your world Presley Rose.  You are so much help and so sweet to her.  You pray at night for Jesus to make her big so that she can play with you.  You have always leaned towards being a mama's girl.  But recently all you talk about is daddy. ;)  You love to dance,  you love music and you can sing most of Adele's album.  Popcorn and trail mix make you happy.  I imagine you when you are bigger still dancing, maybe playing ball.  You are athletic and competitive and are not afraid to practice!  You will be tall and beautiful and bright with a lot of friends.  You will make us proud, just as you already do.  Presley, Jesus has blessed our home with you in ways we never imagined.  Your silliness is so very good for the heart of your sister and your daddy.  You make us laugh at the most frustrating moments.  You make things fun and you light up every room you enter my sweet girls.  Today you are four, and I am sure tomorrow you will be fourteen.  I pray everyday that the Lord will help me lead you in the right direction and protect you from this crazy, broken world. 

We love you baby girl, bigger than the whole sky!!
Mama, Daddy, Kat and Josie Hope

Missing lunch, celebrating life.

Sometimes the reality of what we have been through hits me like a ton of bricks.  Most often I am reminded in the words of my girls and the most recent time was no different.  I stood in the kitchen, cleaning, making lunch, filling a bottle, and trying desperately to pay attention to my oldest and here is the conversation:

Mommy.
Yes, Kathryne?
Mommies sure are busy huh?
Yes baby mommies are very busy.
Poor mommies are so busy they don't even get to sit down for their lunch or watch a movie with their babies huh? 
(Insert giant brick hitting me in the head here)




I was speechless.  What was I supposed to say?  "Yes Kathryne, mommies are too busy to sit for a meal and watch a movie with their children. I bet you cannot wait to be a mommy!"
Or, "Actually baby girl a lot of mommies watch movies with their kids, just not yours."
I said nothing.  I just smiled at her and silently asked the Lord for a few more minutes in each day.  Oh and by the way could I get the last five months back that I missed with my first two babies?  Or maybe just the Thanksgiving and Christmas that I was barely physically present for?  And how about an hour or so with my husband?  And then I heard Josie cry and went back into being the mommy that stands to eat grateful, blown away by mercy, thankful, tired, blessed. 

My first two children have had to grow up fast due to the birth of my second two.  We have had to rely on them to entertain themselves, to understand things that most kids don't have too, to take care of each other and yes, sometimes of us. Have we done are best? Absolutely.  Was it enough? Is it ever?  The life that the Lord has given us and the trials he has handed us since March of 2010 were more than we could have ever imagined.  They have effected us in ways we are not even aware of yet and I am sure it is the same for my girls.  I stop and I pray that Jesus will show them, in the chaos, that their mommy and daddy took what He has given them and have done the best they knew how too. 

Just recently I have heard Kathryne say "My mommy has four babies.  We have a brother named Bennett and he lives in heaven."  "My sister Josie she is very special.  She is the cutest baby ever".  She is listening, and in her own way she understands, more than she should have to, but she understands.

So now we have three out of four of our babies at home.  It is not without challenges due to Josie's needs right now.  But I can see the future through His eyes as He shows me glimpses of what is to come and it is wonderful.  We are exhausted.  We are emotionally spent.  We have not stopped since October. Not for a moment. But we are grateful  We are blown away by what He has done for us.  We are blessed beyond measure.  And one day, we will pack all of our girls up and head to the zoo to see the monkeys and have a picnic.  And mommy will SIT right by her sweet Kathryne and eat.  Until then we will celebrate the life of the greatest miracle we have ever seen every minute of every day. 

          Thank you for your prayers, for reading, for loving us.