Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Happy Birthday Bennett

Dear Bennett,

Happy Birthday Buddy.  Today you are four and though I would love to be working on your favorite cupcakes right now, I have to imagine that any effort to celebrate here would pale in comparison to the celebration that you are having in Heaven.  That does not mean that we are not celebrating.  Your sisters have already acknowledge that today is your fourth birthday.  And at some point, I am sure we will be having a cup cake in your honor.  Kathryne is the one that misses you most I think.  She talks about you all of the time.  Her sweet heart has a hard time grasping that she has never met you and that she is missing a sibling to help take care of.  She loves you.  We all do. 

I cannot believe that it has been four years since you were born.  It seems like it was yesterday.  But then when I think of all that has happened since it seems like a decade has gone by.  I still remember every moment, every detail.  The sadness has not lessened.  The grief is not easier.  The weight is no less.  Your absence is overwhelming on days like today.  Or days like any random day in a house filled with children.  One more set of feet, dimples, blue eyes, missing from every moment.  A miracle that was made only for our hearts and our imaginations.  One that we will relish in and celebrate only when we meet the very One who created you.  Oh what a glorious day that will be. 

Your absence, though painfully obvious at times, all but highlights the miracle that is your little sister.  We watch as she learns and explores.  As she blows us away with what she is capable of and excells every expectation that the doctors never thought she would meet.  She is a miracle.  A miracle that we get to experience today, right now, in this life.  One that reminds us of how precious life is. As you remind us how fragile it remains. 

The more time that goes by, the more I seem frustrated by the fact that I have not seen your face.  I watch your sisters growing up.  Their beauty is breathtaking. I imagine what you look like and find myself begging Jesus for just a peek.  Wondering all the time if he is just saving that moment for himself, knowing how full the heart of one of His own will be when it happens.  Just like we make the girls wait for us on Christmas morning.  He delights in us and I know it. Still, I would love just a peek one night as I dream. 

Your presence and absence in our home have a profound impact on us everyday.  We are more grateful, more faithful, more aware, more intentional, and as a mama I am certainly more protective of the ones that I have been privileged to keep.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that our Lord kept you for a greater purpose.  That you are in heaven training in His army, preparing to fight for the Kingdom that we will one day occupy together.  I beam with pride knowing that He created one so very special to be my boy, my Bennett. 

I miss you.  I wish you were here to tell me what you want for breakfast.  To fight with Presley over sleeping in my bed or to wrestle with your daddy.  I just want for one moment to hold you in my lap and read you even the shortest story.  But all of that will have to wait my sweet boy.  Don't you worry though.  Mama is coming and I will spend eternity making up for lost time with you. 

I hope you have the best birthday ever.  Filled with red and blue balloons and more legos than you ever dreamed of having.  I pray Jesus gives you the perfect puppy as your companion and that you get dirty playing with him, covered in mud from head to toe.  You go ahead and eat so much cake your tummy hurts and then let Nana rock you to sleep.  You tell them your mama said you could. I am sorry I am missing it, but I am dreaming about it from here. 

We love you little buddy.

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