Well March came and is almost gone and again, I survived it. This year was particularly difficult in the days leading up to your birthday. I felt myself on the verge of tears often and crying more than usual. I miss you. I miss your face and your blue eyes and that set of dimples I am certain you have. I miss the sounds that you would make, adding to the chaos that is our home. I miss the BOY you would bring to our day. I catch myself looking at these girls and seeing you within their circles, playing their games, fighting with them. Oh my how I bet you and Presley would fight. It makes me laugh thinking of it.
Our lives are easy right now. Happy and only the normal chaos of the average family fills our days. School, work, play, everyday challenges. Your sisters are healthy and they speak of you often, weekly as a matter of fact. They know you are missing. On your birthday Presley cried. She knows you are happy in heaven but she wishes we could just all go and be with you.
I want to thank you for the kind of mama you make me. And for the gift that I am sure you had everything to do with that we call Josie Hope. She has filled our home in ways we never knew were empty. I am sure you have much to do with the fact that Jesus let us keep her. Thank you son.
You are 5 and you are not here and there are days that is more than the heart of this mama can take. I tell your daddy all the time that we are missing a person. A whole person. But the truth is that we are not missing you at all really, because you are here. Your name rings through our home. Dreams of heaven and what it is like fill the heads of your sisters. They are excited to go, anticipating it even and that is because of you.
I imagine that if you were here we would have gotten you a fishing pole and some sort of reptile. Maybe a frog to go with Lucy the fish ;) There would have been a birthday party and you would have asked for Banana pudding because that is your daddy's favorite and he is exactly who you want to be. We would have had some little boys over to play and drive Kat crazy and someone would have gotten hit in the head with a stick or a bat. It makes me giggle imagining it. Big would have come because he would think you were the coolest little boy in the world and I am sure he and Janet would have brought you your first set of clubs. I can see you out there swinging that little driver as hard as you can and hear Big talking about how hard you will hit it one day. Janet, of course, would be the one helping you with your swing. And Nana would have come too because you would remind her EXACTLY of your daddy and probably be the one she spoils that most of all four of my kids. My oh my what a birthday it would have been.
However, as Presley reminds me, it would have paled in comparison to the one you had in Heaven. And though it makes me sad that we missed it, a piece of me is relieved that one of my babies never had to endure this world that we live in. One of you never had to experience pain or sadness or defeat. There is no frustration or sin or Satan where you are. And that, my sweet boy, brings me peace.
Happy 5th birthday Bennett. We love you. We think of you often and miss you EVERYDAY. One day we will all be together and mama will make up for all of the kisses she is missing right now.
I love you.