As I write today my three kids are running around the house like they have found a stash of Easter candy that I was not aware of. It is raining outside and Doc has been out of town now for two full days. Somehow, by the grace of God, my house is in decent order and though I did not shower until 7 PM last night, I did in fact wash my hair that had not been washed since Tuesday. (thanks Uncle Brett) Yes, I was gross. I have so many things that I would like to write about in this fleeting moment that will probably be interrupted seventeen times. Easter, Doc, Josie, Friends, Family....however today, once again, I will be writing about babies. Sweet, beautiful babies that go straight to heaven way before we would like them too. I do not begin to understand why this topic seems to enter my life over and over again, re-opening the wounds that I tried so desperately to heal in 2010. But it does and so He leads me once again to place that without faith and heaven and Jesus I would never get out of. A place where the sorrow and sadness are so overwhelming that the thought of moving beyond my bed seems impossible. So I go to the only name that I know that can help me walk through this day. The only one that seems to make the memories bearable, my breaths breathable, the sweet name that lightens the weight on my chest on days like today, Bennett.
It would seem to most that spending a day thinking about the child you lost would be a day lost in sadness, but actually that is not the case. You see there is so much beauty in being the mama of a baby that went to heaven before they were born that is unfortunately lost in the sadness and emptiness that follows the birth. Beauty that I believe needs to be explained to mamas that are wrapped in their blanket of sorrow and are too warm and comfortable there to move. Beauty that can heal the hearts of those that have suffered the same loss as I have. Beauty that can bring comfort to my friend that is waiting to deliver her sweet boy today . And so today I will write about the beauty of my Bennett.
Think about it for a moment. I am the only person in the world that knew that sweet, beautiful boy while he was alive. I fed him, nutured him, soothed him, held him. Noone else on the planet ever saw him take a breath, but I felt him move. Have you ever met a child that talks to Jesus? That actually tells you about conversations they have? When Presley was little she told me once that when her tummy hurt Jesus would tell her stories and make her feel better. Never for one moment did I doubt her story. I was certain that Jesus did in fact, does in fact, tell stories to children that are sick and scared and that they can hear Him and feel Him and probably see Him. I remember then that I was envious of her. That as an adult my senses, my chaos, my everyday had gotten in the way of child like faith that allowed me to hear Jesus tell a story when my tummy hurt.
That is how it is to be the mama of a baby that no one else knew. It's like feeling, hearing, knowing Jesus in a way that no one else ever has. It is a gift. A gift that was meant only for me. And though in the moment of my loss I was angry and sad and beyond consolable, as the days and months and years have gone by I have realized that the gift of that boy, of my boy, of Bennett is undeniable proof that Jesus loves me in an unfathomable way. Matter of fact, I cannot for a moment understand why I was chosen to be his mama. And so today I think about him. I relish in the gift that he was to me. I remember.
I remember carrying him. I remember the day that I took the girls to the park and I was so very sick that all three of us had to go into a port- o - potty TOGETHER!!! Yes, it was gross and yes I was THAT sick. But at that time, there were four of us, and I will never forget. I remember when Debbie talked me into a pregnancy test that ended up being positive when I was certain there was no way I was pregnant again! I remember calling Meg and telling her I was pregnant and how happy she was that someone was going through it with her again! I remember the ultrasound the we elected to have because I had had so many problems early. I remember my sister standing there so certain that they would find a baby, and they did. I remember the day that my dear friend Lindsey came over and found his heartbeat for the first time. I remember the first time I felt him move. The first time I could find his heartbeat with the feto-scope. I remember more about his pregnancy than I do any of the others. Why? Because those are MY moments. My moments with him. My time with this sweet, precious person that was gifted to me from a God that clearly loves me more than I understand.
My prayer for my friend and for all of the other mamas that are going through, or have been though what I have been through, is that after the sorrow, after the sadness, after the shock lessens, they will see the beauty in the baby that was theirs and only theirs. I hope that they will realize one day that he or she was a gift to them. A special, once in a lifetime gift. A baby, a soul, a person that no one else in this lifetime, in this world, will ever know. That is shared only with those that live on the other side of the veil in the Glory of Jesus. And that on the days that breathing seems all but impossible, they will rub their tummies and remember the little things that made them the mama of a baby that was made for them and only them.
Please pray for my sweet friend today and for all of the mama's you know that have suffered a similar loss!! Please feel free to share my blog if you think it will bring them peace.
And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, 4and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." 5And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true."…