Sink or Walk on Water?

This weekend we threw a surprise party for my mom.  She was 60 years old on the tenth of this month.  Somehow, some way, by some miracle, I was able to pull it off even in the midst of our chaos.  It was wonderful.  She was surprised (so she says) and we were tickled to honor her.  She deserved a party much bigger than we could afford, but she was beyond happy with our little party in our little club house with all of the people she loves the most on the planet. The girls were in Atlanta for a week, I was there for four days and Doc came for the weekend.  Today we drove home, or back as I say because TN still doesn't quite feel like home. 

As I drove listening to Francesca with Finding Nemo in the background I thought of about a thousand things.  I thought about my family and the hell that some of them are going through right now.  I thought about our girls and how much fun they had with their cousins and their grandparents. I thought about how much I have always hated leaving my mom standing in her driveway knowing that she is trying not to cry before I get out of sight.  I have never really been a "misser" for lack of a better word.  I have never remember missing anything or anyone. I have always been very independent of anyone else and though I loved them all, I never really missed them if I was away for an extended period or maybe just in a phase of life that did not include them.  Until I met Doc.  When I met him my heart changed.  All of the sudden I not only missed someone when they were away, but I wondered how I would ever breathe again if they never came back.  It changed my heart.  It changed my life.   Honestly, it made me a sap. 

So as I drove "back" home today I missed everything.  I missed our condo on Powers Ferry Trace.  I missed cooking for Doc and Brett and watching them both eat like it was the first meal they had eaten in weeks!  I missed Doc being in school and our evenings together when we first got married.  I missed having lunch with my daddy. I missed drinking red wine with Sam, Priss and Kel.  I missed our church.  I missed my girls that I have watched grow up for the last 8 years.  I missed my sister and brother, everything about them both.  I missed saying goodbye to my mom knowing I would see her in a week or a day!  I missed my little boy who should have been making his first appearance in Atlanta.  I missed my Nana even though she was the last person I saw before we left today.  I missed Starbucks with Meg.  I missed  girls night  with Billy and "emergency" phone calls that resulted in cold beer and long talks. I missed Houston's and Cafe Intermezzo and the Brazilian Bakery!! I missed home and I cried as I got closer to it. 

I don't pretend to understand God's plan for my life.  I just continue to be tickled to death that He has one.  But I would be lying to you if I said that I don't look around Franklin TN and really wonder if this is really it. How can I live in a place that is so wonderful and not enjoy it at all?  I think about people that I have met since I have been here.  People that have been here for years and still don't like it here.  People that have accepted their fate but when you ask them if it's home, regardless of their answer, their face says no.   I don't want to be one of those people.  How fair would that be to my kids, to my husband?  I don't want to wake up in five years still wondering if I will ever get to go home.  I want to wake up in five years and BE home, even if that's in TN. 

Tonight I am sitting on my couch, watching the Red Skins play the Cowboys with Doc and looking around this rental house wondering what it's going to take.  Another place to live? A new couch? A new look?  A new friend? What is it going to take to make Franklin TN feel less like the vacation from hell and more like a home for me and my sweet little family.  You are wondering what I came up with aren't you?? Well hold on to your hats folks because here it comes!!  NOTHING.  NADA.  ZIP!!!  I have no idea what it's going to take and any suggestions are welcomed.

So instead I will trust, lean, ask, be tickled with Him and His plan. I will continue to pray that He will change my heart and my mind.  I have faith that just like he tenderly dresses my wounds everyday making me a little bit stronger, He will help me find my place in Franklin TN in His time, in His way.  And until I am settled I will rest in Him, with Him, knowing that He knows best even when it seems to me like He may have missed the boat on this one.  Who I am fooling? He doesn't even need the darn boat. 

xoxoxo,

Melanie

This I know.

It is Tuesday morning and I am sitting in my bed chatting with you.  There is no one standing beside me asking me for a snack, no dirty diaper to change, no paci to look for, and no fussing to be heard...it is entirely too quiet.  For the first time in three years someone has both of my babies and I am still at home.  Now you would think I would be dancing around the house naked or laying on the couch eating whatever I wanted, or hell, still asleep! But no, I am awake thanks to my phone ringing five times between the hours of 8 and 9 and my poor body still recovering from all of the meds they pushed in me in the last two weeks!  Oh, I have not told you that!  You will not believe this, I had to go BACK to the hospital. 

The last six months of my life is kinda like being on that show candid camera.  Do you remember that show?  They would hide a camera and play a practical joke on someone and then say " Smile! You're on candid camera!"  Sometimes the jokee (for lack of a better word) would smile and laugh and other times they would knock the crap out of the person standing beside them and walk out of the room.  I would be the latter.  Anyway, without going into too much detail I will tell you the basics. Wednesday night I was sick the entire night with pain, Thursday my midwife and trusted friend advised me to go to Vanderbilt, Thursday afternoon Doc cleared the calendar AGAIN and off we went, Thursday night Janet arrived AGAIN (we are going to have to get that woman a helicopter!), Friday AM after an ultrasound, a pelvic, a rectal exam (no I am not kidding) and a CT scan of my entire abdomen, they sent me home with a muddied bill of health saying that nothing MAJOR was wrong.  All be it for me to argue with the doctors but in the last 6 months I have buried a little boy, miscarried a baby and lost enough O+ blood to keep the Red Cross stocked for a week...I would say that is plenty of "major" wouldn't you?

So my sweet mother came and helped and took my girls home with her to give us a much needed moment to recoup from the hell that has been our lives for the last 6 months.  We have had a great time eating, sleeping and spending money.  It's like a mini vacation in Nashville!  Doc has spoiled me rotten (what's new?) and we have had some much needed laughter! Oh and as a bonus mom left us her Volvo convertible and the weather has been GREAT!  We have been riding TOP DOWN and loving every minute of it. 

So here I sit, it is Tuesday and my kids have been gone for a month, no wait a week, okay two nights but it feels like a month.  I love my babies, they are my world and honestly all I know here in TN.  I have NO idea what to do today.  I am taking Doc lunch and I plan to clean the bathroom.  That's it.  Pathetic huh!?  Don't feel sorry for me. I love that my life is my family.  I love that my girls are my BFFs.  I love that without them and Doc I am bored to tears because that means that where I am supposed to be is WITH them!! 

As I sit here and type I think of my sweet greedy Jesus up there rocking my two babies that He took from me in 2010.  I imagine what they look like and how they smell.  I think of how lucky they are that they get to sit in His lap already when the rest of us struggle on this earth waiting for our turn.  My heart is both breaking and rejoicing at the same time missing being pregnant and knowing that I should have a little boy sleeping beside me as I write.  I have grief that at times seems too heavy to carry and I am constantly praying that He will lighten it just a bit.  I remind myself daily that my time on this earth is like a drop of water in the ocean compared to eternity.  This always brings a smile to my face because eternity is where I will see all of my babies and my Father that has blessed me with them.  I rest in the fact that in my 35 years the last five have made my life worth living and the last 6 months have not for a moment taken away from that.  It makes me smile knowing that my heart is so filled with Him and my life with His mercy and grace that I can suffer so much loss and still fill so much love, what a wonderful Lord He is.  I pray that if you feel lost or sad that you will turn to the One that can bring you joy in the midst of sorrow and love in the midst of hate.  I pray that you are reminded that this life is not your eternity, this is not what you are living for, and today is not all there is for you.  Keep you heads up and your hearts full my friends, heaven awaits!

xoxoxo
Melanie