When I was a kid I remember at the end of summer I was so disappointed that a WHOLE YEAR had to pass before it came again. The same for Christmas, my birthday, fall break etc. A year seemed like a life time, like eternity. I remember my mom would say " don't worry Christmas will come again next year" and I would reply over tears "next YEAR! That is SO LONG!!" ;). Oh my how times have changed.
Now I sit here in this rental house in Franklin TN and wonder how in the world an entire year has gone by!? Where did it go? What did we do? Did we even live it or did we just wake up and it was gone? I am pretty sure that we missed about 6 months of 2010. March to August is a complete blur with glimpses and memories of hospital visits, sleepless nights and sheer grief mixed with celebrations, births, weddings, birthdays and family. I don't remember much of it and what I do remember, with exception of the birth of Savannah Marie Foraker and Wendy and Brett's wedding, I wish I could forget.
But here we are back to March. March, which is now my least favorite month of the year. March, the month that marks the birth and death of our boy and the absence of the baby we lost in August that would have been due on the 16th of this month. Ugh. March. A full year has gone by and it still seems like yesterday that Doc was carrying a shovel down a hill, yesterday that my neighbor brought the orchid that sits on our table, yesterday that I called my sister and asked her what to name my boy. I hate March. And truthfully, today I want to just throw that damn orchid in the garbage can.
Yesterday was Doc's birthday and I felt terrible for him. All it did was a begin a week of memories. Hard, gory, terrible, sad memories that we have pushed away every day for a year. I tried to celebrate it with him, but he just would not let me. Everything I planned he said no and I knew that nothing would make it fun. So I made him banana pudding, which helped in the moment and that was it. No card, no present, no dinner, no celebration. Poor Doc. What a miserable birthday, just like last year, to start a miserable week.
March 1st 2011 here we are and all we can think about is March 5th. I know it will get easier every year, I know that we should look at our girls and be grateful, I know that this is all part of healing, but none of that makes this week bearable. It just doesn't. So I will play with my babies and stay busy and love on my sweet husband and pray the week goes by fast. We will get up on Friday and celebrate our boy who will be having cake and ice cream in heaven with Jesus and Hall baby #4 and RW and Mamaw and Don and Hunter and two of his cousins and Owen and all of the other angel babies that we miss and mourn and we will smile knowing that he is not alone and he is well taken care of until we get there.
This morning my mom sent me an email and it was long and sweet and thoughtful. In it she said that she would be in heaven before us and prayed that would make us feel better that she was there with him until we get there. I don't know what God has in store for today or tomorrow, so who knows which one of us will get there first. But I do know that she is right. Knowing that Bennett is there with his Grandaddy, and my Grandaddy and his Mamaw, that does make it easier. It makes it easier to be here without him and one day it will make it easier to leave this earth and go to heaven and hold my sweet boy. That my friends, makes me smile, helps me to breathe in the moments I feel like I can't, gives me joy in a time of overwhelming sorrow.
This week I will pray a lot and cry a lot and smile a lot and dream a lot of a sweet little boy with big dimples, a bald head, and giant blue eyes. I will ask God to make each moment easier and beg him for another little boy. All the while knowing that the first He will do and hoping for the second. ;) I thank each of you for loving us enough to follow our journey in the loss of our boy, for walking along side us, for picking us up when we are too tired to walk, and for the incessant prayers that have healed us more that you will ever know.
I pray that this year will bring more healing for our hearts and the hearts of those closest to us. Thank you mama, Michael and Steph for loving me enough to hear it in my voice and being there for me. I don't know what I would do without you. And Doc, Happy Birthday baby! You are my everything and my rock and this week will not last forever, I promise ;).
Blessing Friends,
Melanie
I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Wherever I go, there We are!
Today it is damp and warm and overcast in Franklin TN. And that about sums up the way that I feel. Warm but cloudy and a little like rain. I am on the brink of laughter or tears depending on my next call, next email, next breath. My girls are asleep and my house is a mess. I should either be napping or cleaning but instead I came here for some therapy. I stopped here just for a moment to dump my thoughts and feelings so that I can continue with my routine and day filled with caring for others. Thank you for joining me in all of your chaos.
Today we (and by we I mean Doc and I) have saved the world, the planet and all of it's problems. We laugh at the absurdity of the fact that we get about 15 total minutes to talk on the best of days and 99 percent of the time we are either discussing a problem or talking about how we are going to fix it and most of the time it is someone else's problem! We have to laugh because we have 752 problems of our own that we are not even close to or capable of fixing. Yet in every spare thought, breath, brainstorm we are trying to make the life of someone we love easier, better, more tolerable.
Right before we got off the phone my sweet husband made the comment that usually all that we discuss is a waste of time or of breath for that matter. The truth is he is right. We cannot fix the problems of the day, the week, the month for that matter. You know why? Because wherever you go, however you get there, whatever you take with you or leave behind, THERE YOU ARE. That is all there is too it. We can lend a hand, a dollar, our time, our hearts, our advice, but we cannot change the person. We can change only the circumstances of the moment but not the future. The future is still up to them, not us. They are the common denominator and we cannot walk every step with them no matter how much we love them. There is only One that can take that walk. Oh how very frustrating that is for two people who just want everyone to be happy and feel good damn it!
So I sit here and am humbled by my life, my marriage, my Lord. I realize that it is because of my Lord and Him only that this world does not overcome me. I realize that wherever I go, there WE are (and by we I mean myself and Jesus). That is why I can tolerate loss, death, failure. That is why even when it feels like Satan in knocking on the door to our hearts my husband is capable of locking yet another dead bolt to keep him out. Our Lord protects us. We do not live for this world, we just get to enjoy it while we live for His and we realize that. What I know is that it is my faith that changes everything. It changes desperation to dependence, hopelessness to hope in Him, frustration to focus, loss to love and problems to peace. When all else fails, and all else DOES fail us all of the time, we are sturdy and confident in the love and strength of our Lord and that eliminates the fear of this world and replaces it with the fear of God. Amen!
You see my friends, wherever you go there you are. You and all of your baggage and anger and sadness. You and all of your past and present and your chaotic future. You can move, or remarry, you can change jobs or hair styles. You can blame, point fingers, make excuse for all that you have lost or missed. Regardless of any of that, it is still you, right there in the thick of things all alone or with Jesus. And that is one decision that is yours and only yours to make. You can choose to live without him, or you can choose to live for Him. Without him, it will always be you, alone, with whatever life you choose. And maybe it's a good life with little tragedy and frustration or maybe it is a life full of mess. Either way without him it will be this life and this life only. With him you get this life and the one beyond us that is more than we can ever imagine. With him you get peace and love and mercy even on the very worst days. You get a Savior when all is lost, a love when your marriage lets you down, a best friend when you have no one to turn too. With him where ever you go, there YOU are. Both of you. And in my experience two is better than one ;).
Scripture tells us:
25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
Matthew 25-34 The Message
The worries of this world are not important, and that is what we understand here on Tom Anderson Road, most days. Are there days that we lose site of that? Of course. Are there days that I feel like we are missing out and want more "things" absolutely! But what I know in my heart, because Jesus lives there, is that none of this really matters. His Kingdom, my marriage, my children, are the things that should keep my focus. I know that if I remember that and remind myself of that every day then all of the crap will not overwhelm me. If I let Him walk with me all of the "stuff" will not consume me. If my focus is on Him and His Kingdom then I can enjoy my life regardless of what I feel I missed or lost knowing that all of that and more is waiting for me!!
Why walk alone when you can be carried when you are tired or hurt or broken? Why turn away for a Savior that gave His life for yours to be complete? Doc and I love our lives and we love the people in it but we there is only One that can fulfill them, only One that can complete them and we need to be reminded of that just as much as they do.
xoxoxo,
Melanie
Today we (and by we I mean Doc and I) have saved the world, the planet and all of it's problems. We laugh at the absurdity of the fact that we get about 15 total minutes to talk on the best of days and 99 percent of the time we are either discussing a problem or talking about how we are going to fix it and most of the time it is someone else's problem! We have to laugh because we have 752 problems of our own that we are not even close to or capable of fixing. Yet in every spare thought, breath, brainstorm we are trying to make the life of someone we love easier, better, more tolerable.
Right before we got off the phone my sweet husband made the comment that usually all that we discuss is a waste of time or of breath for that matter. The truth is he is right. We cannot fix the problems of the day, the week, the month for that matter. You know why? Because wherever you go, however you get there, whatever you take with you or leave behind, THERE YOU ARE. That is all there is too it. We can lend a hand, a dollar, our time, our hearts, our advice, but we cannot change the person. We can change only the circumstances of the moment but not the future. The future is still up to them, not us. They are the common denominator and we cannot walk every step with them no matter how much we love them. There is only One that can take that walk. Oh how very frustrating that is for two people who just want everyone to be happy and feel good damn it!
So I sit here and am humbled by my life, my marriage, my Lord. I realize that it is because of my Lord and Him only that this world does not overcome me. I realize that wherever I go, there WE are (and by we I mean myself and Jesus). That is why I can tolerate loss, death, failure. That is why even when it feels like Satan in knocking on the door to our hearts my husband is capable of locking yet another dead bolt to keep him out. Our Lord protects us. We do not live for this world, we just get to enjoy it while we live for His and we realize that. What I know is that it is my faith that changes everything. It changes desperation to dependence, hopelessness to hope in Him, frustration to focus, loss to love and problems to peace. When all else fails, and all else DOES fail us all of the time, we are sturdy and confident in the love and strength of our Lord and that eliminates the fear of this world and replaces it with the fear of God. Amen!
You see my friends, wherever you go there you are. You and all of your baggage and anger and sadness. You and all of your past and present and your chaotic future. You can move, or remarry, you can change jobs or hair styles. You can blame, point fingers, make excuse for all that you have lost or missed. Regardless of any of that, it is still you, right there in the thick of things all alone or with Jesus. And that is one decision that is yours and only yours to make. You can choose to live without him, or you can choose to live for Him. Without him, it will always be you, alone, with whatever life you choose. And maybe it's a good life with little tragedy and frustration or maybe it is a life full of mess. Either way without him it will be this life and this life only. With him you get this life and the one beyond us that is more than we can ever imagine. With him you get peace and love and mercy even on the very worst days. You get a Savior when all is lost, a love when your marriage lets you down, a best friend when you have no one to turn too. With him where ever you go, there YOU are. Both of you. And in my experience two is better than one ;).
Scripture tells us:
25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
Matthew 25-34 The Message
The worries of this world are not important, and that is what we understand here on Tom Anderson Road, most days. Are there days that we lose site of that? Of course. Are there days that I feel like we are missing out and want more "things" absolutely! But what I know in my heart, because Jesus lives there, is that none of this really matters. His Kingdom, my marriage, my children, are the things that should keep my focus. I know that if I remember that and remind myself of that every day then all of the crap will not overwhelm me. If I let Him walk with me all of the "stuff" will not consume me. If my focus is on Him and His Kingdom then I can enjoy my life regardless of what I feel I missed or lost knowing that all of that and more is waiting for me!!
Why walk alone when you can be carried when you are tired or hurt or broken? Why turn away for a Savior that gave His life for yours to be complete? Doc and I love our lives and we love the people in it but we there is only One that can fulfill them, only One that can complete them and we need to be reminded of that just as much as they do.
xoxoxo,
Melanie
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