Balloons and Ice Cream

I forget.

I do it often now.  Forget, I mean.  It's easy in this life that has taught me that the busier I am the happier I will be. No wait, the busier I am the more successful I will be. No wait, hell I cannot remember.  Either way, it encourages me to be busy and I forget.  Forget their names, to fill the water bottles, to feed them lunch. You name it, I forget it.  I blame no one but myself. After all, my absurd expectations of what I should accomplish in a day, in a week, come from no one else.  And therefore, I forget.  All of the time. Everyday.  

What has happened to us as mothers? Where in the hell did we go wrong?  Why is it that we have accepted the idea that the busier we are, the more activities they are in, the more things we volunteer for, are the things that will make them remember us.  You know what will make them remember us? Balloons.  Balloons and ice cream.  Yep.  You and I could spend ten minutes today and grab some balloons and a gallon of ice cream and they will remember it for the rest of their lives, guarantee it.  

You know what I remember about my mom?  An ice cream cake. It was a disaster,  But I remember her making it, and I remember her loving me enough to start over again and again until it was as close to right as it was ever going to get.  I remember spontaneous trips to the beach.  I remember her turning the eyes off on the stove and putting us in the car for Happy Meals (gross, I know but she didn't know any better and those boxes were really cool).  I do not remember a clean house, or meals that she made for every family at the church that needed one. I am not knocking taking meals, mind you, I am just stating fact.  

Busyness is a epidemic.  We are so busy when we have our kids with us, we cannot wait to get away from them!!  Now, a few of you are reading this and SWEAR that you NEVER want to be away from your kids.  Good for you, I am talking about the other 99% of the moms out there.  I am tired.  And I am going to be honest with you here, don't tell your friends this, but I do not do half of the things with my kids that most of you do.  We are not eaten up with activities and I do make mine entertain themselves.  I say no, often.  I do not take them everywhere,  I do not sign them up for every fun thing at the library and we skip birthday parties. Truth.  Still I am tired.  So the rest of you must be EXHAUSTED. 

You know what happens when you are tired and spent? You forget.  You forget that he really likes his sandwiches cut into triangles .     You forget that one sharp tone affects her for the rest of the day. You forget that his behavior is better when you aren't in a hurry.  You forget that she is 7.  Just 7.  JUST 7!!!!!!!   Sorry that was for me.  Even though you too may have a 7 year old that you treat as though he/she is 16.  If so, this one is for you........7!!!!!!!!!!

I want to be different. I want to be patient and fun and crazy and messy.  I want to play in the mud and build a fort and I want those freaking dishes to rot in the sink.  I want them to remember.  Remember that we went for ice cream after bed time. Remember that we bagged homework for a dance party.  Remember that I didn't give two shits what they were good at as long as they loved and lived and laughed and Jesus shone through their blue eyes.  And I want to remember too. Remember that she doesn't care if that skirt goes with that shirt and let her wear it.  Remember that she loves crafts and s'mores and that it is not her fault that I am late.  It is mine.  I want to remember that her eyes only sparkle when things are silly and her daddy is home.  And that for the love of God she is only 7!!!! 

I want to remember 7 and 6 and 2 1/2 even though it is hard and messy and louder than I would like on the days that I am spent.  I pray for that. I pray for friends that want to remember too.  I pray for friends that don't want to  compare notes or kids but would rather just sit and watch and enjoy what we have.  I miss friends like that and I am grateful for the few that I have.  I pray that you too will remember this year.  You will not hurry it by with homework and projects and 3 sports and church activities but instead, every now and then, you will just stop for balloons and ice cream.  

Happy 5th Birthday Bennett

Dear Bennett,




Well March came and is almost gone and again, I survived it.  This year was particularly difficult in the days leading up to your birthday. I felt myself on the verge of tears often and crying more than usual.  I miss you.  I miss your face and your blue eyes and that set of dimples I am certain you have.  I miss the sounds that you would make, adding to the chaos that is our home. I miss the BOY you would bring to our day.  I catch myself looking at these girls and seeing you within their circles, playing their games, fighting with them.  Oh my how I bet you and Presley would fight.  It makes me laugh thinking of it. 


Our lives are easy right now.  Happy and only the normal chaos of the average family fills our days. School, work, play, everyday challenges.  Your sisters are healthy and they speak of you often, weekly as a matter of fact.  They know you are missing.  On your birthday Presley cried.  She knows you are happy in heaven but she wishes we could just all go and be with you. 


I want to thank you for the kind of mama you make me.  And for the gift that I am sure you had everything to do with that we call Josie Hope.  She has filled our home in ways we never knew were empty.  I am sure you have much to do with the fact that Jesus let us keep her. Thank you son. 


You are 5 and you are not here and there are days that is more than the heart of this mama can take.  I tell your daddy all the time that we are missing a person. A whole person. But the truth is that we are not missing you at all really, because you are here.  Your name rings through our home. Dreams of heaven and what it is like fill the heads of your sisters. They are excited to go, anticipating it even and that is because of you. 


I imagine that if you were here we would have gotten you a fishing pole and some sort of reptile. Maybe a frog to go with Lucy the fish ;)  There would have been a birthday party and you would have asked for Banana pudding because that is your daddy's favorite and he is exactly who you want to be.  We would have had some little boys over to play and drive Kat crazy and someone would have gotten hit in the head with a stick or a bat.  It makes me giggle imagining it. Big would have come because he would think you were the coolest little boy in the world and I am sure he and Janet would have brought you your first set of clubs. I can see you out there swinging that little driver as hard as you can and hear Big talking about how hard you will hit it one day.  Janet, of course, would be the one helping you with your swing.  And Nana would have come too because you would remind her EXACTLY of your daddy and probably be the one she spoils that most of all four of my kids.  My oh my what a birthday it would have been.


However, as Presley reminds me, it would have paled in comparison to the one you had in Heaven.  And though it makes me sad that we missed it, a piece of me is relieved that one of my babies never had to endure this world that we live in.  One of you never had to experience pain or sadness or defeat.  There is no frustration or sin or Satan where you are.  And that, my sweet boy, brings me peace. 


Happy 5th birthday Bennett.  We love you.  We think of you often and miss you EVERYDAY. One day we will all be together and mama will make up for all of the kisses she is missing right now. 


I love you.