Sharing Miracles

This morning, I had a friend reach out saying she had just found my blog, and she had spent the evening reading it.  My goodness when I go back and look I think "well I hope she grabbed some tissues and coffee because this sucker is a tough read in places".  And so I pulled it up and sat down with my own coffee and thought, "what the heck, let's write something".  

I am at a weird age.  I am 50 with a 12 year old, my sister is going to be a grandma in February, and my friend's parents are starting to make their way to heaven one by one.  I have been immensely blessed. I am under no delusion that my life has been hard.  Have there been pockets of hard? Yes. But let's be honest here, nothing compared to some of you reading.  Both of my parents are still alive, my siblings and I still communicate weekly, my sister is still one of my best friends, my nieces and nephews are healthy. I have lost Bennett, my grandparents and one Uncle (who was my person) in my entire lifetime. I get to stay at home and raise my kids. My husband is fiercely committed to me, to providing for us and to spoiling us in every way.  

In my lifetime I have prayed for two miracles for myself, one was for Josie, and the other was for my daddy.  And so as if I have a deal with Jesus, I do what I like to call "share my miracles".  Let me give you an example.  During COVID Meg's mom and dad ended up in the hospital at the same time. If you don't know who Meg is, you don't know me very well so real quick, she is one of my Canadians.  Yes, I have 5 of my very own Canadians. That's for another time.  Anyway, it was terrifying.  Meg called me, I couldn't go of course because, well, COVID.  So instead, I prayed. I prayed relentlessly for her mom and dad.  I sent voice notes to her mom IN THE HOSPITAL praying over her and then I made a deal with the Lord.  I went to Him and I asked Him if I could give Megan one of my miracles.  

Ok so I get it, this is probably not how it works.  But that is how I pray.  I believe in miracles. I have seen a miracle. A real life, no one can argue with it miracle.  She lives with me.  So I know for a fact that the Lord is in the business of miracles, and every now and then, I ask him if I can share mine.  I shared one with Meg.  I have shared one with Sam.  I have shared one with my friend, Melanie when her son was injured.  I have one reserved for my friend Wendy.  Don't get me wrong I don't just go around handing them out (wink wink). And there is nothing biblical about this whatsoever.  But I have always been accused of having childlike faith and sometimes I pray like a child. "Jesus, my friend needs a miracle, and if she is all out, please give her one of mine". And if I am being honest, sometimes He answers.  And I catch myself thinking (this is ridiculous so don't tell anyone) but I think "is this my last one? Am I asking the Lord for this one and when I need one for myself will I be all out?" 

But I pray it anyway, "give her mine Lord". Because I know, oh how I know what it is like to need a miracle. And I know for a fact that there were people that gave me one of theirs for Josie. Jo Tallman, Sisse Pfeiffer, my parents, my mother-in-law, Brett, my sister.  I know that every single one of them and so many of you went to the Lord, unselfishly on our behalf and said "give them one of mine, Lord and let that baby girl live" And He did.  And I know what it does to the hearts of a family, of children, when they witness one. 

3 years ago we moved to Lewisburg, TN on 30 acres.  It's way out here in the middle of nowhere.  We knew no one in Marshall County, but we were ready for change, and space and fresh air.  And it was the right move for us.  Jo has thrived out here, the girls love it, Doc has conceded to the drive and is made to have land and space to be away from people and chaos.  It is my favorite home to date for many reasons.  We've had a lot of homes, so this is saying something.  The only thing that was missing were people to do life with. And about a year ago, we found those people.  A family of five, living up the road, who we met at church. And now we have family in TN.  We have people that we love, that show up, that make my kids happy, that support their dreams.  I tease that I went from 3 kids to 6.  But the truth is that I love those other three as much as you can love kids that you didn't birth yourself.  God orchestrated this absolutely wonderful and insanely intentional situation that I never would have imagined.  But here we are.  And those people, that family, those kids that I love so much, they need a miracle.   

I am 50. And I know that the time is coming where parents and aunts and uncles and friends start making their way to heaven sooner than I would like.  The time is coming where my girls start to build families and have babies and make their own way in the world.  And in my childlike mind, with my silly little deal that I have with Jesus I think "how many do I have left?" And honestly, maybe I am all out.  But here is the truth, even if there's just one.  Just one left in my "pile of miracles", I am asking the Lord to give it to my friends.  Not because I am unselfish, but because I am completely selfish.

 Deuteronomy 10:21 reminds us "He is the one you praise: He is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes" and in Jeremiah we read "I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"  I believe in miracles. Big, huge, hard, life changing miracles.  I believe in the power of prayer.  I have seen you all pray incessantly for my tiny girl and watched as God answered in HUGE ways.   I am asking you to pray for my friend, Matt.  He needs a miracle, a new heart, and to stay well why he waits.  I am asking you to believe in that for him and my friend Mindy and those three kids that I love so much.  As for me, I am sharing a miracle with my friends and believing that the Lord will answer.  

If you would like to support them in any way here is a link where you can do so:

https://www.giveinkind.com/inkinds/V5A4O3N

When Jesus says NO...Happy Birthday, Bennett

I was talking to a friend yesterday, a friend who is desperate for a YES from God.  A friend who is begging, pleading, praying for a yes and has been for years.  I was texting her an encouraging word, trying to come up with something to say that was better than the same cliche BS that we all send back and forth to one another when our friends are desperate but we are busy.  Let's be honest, you all know what I am talking about.  As I started replying to her text, I quickly realized that I fall short in the department of "empty encouragement" and succeed beautifully in the department of "brutal honesty".  If you know me, you know this is true.  And as I typed my response I could not help but realize that we were right at the anniversary of the day that Jesus gave me a resounding NO that changed my relationship with Him forever.  

Today Bennett would be 15. And if I had my way, I'd be cleaning house and making LOADS of food to feed him and all of his friends. If I had my way I would have already been shopping with Jo for a gift that she knew would be just perfect. If I had my way Presley would be making his favorite cake this morning which I am certain would be vanilla with peanut butter icing. If I had my way Kat and Bennett would be leaving soon so she could drive him to whatever it is he wanted to spend his birthday doing.  If I had my way, his daddy would be off today rather than working, because he takes all of their birthdays off every year.  

But we don't always get our way, do we?  And that my friends, is the beauty and the heartbreak of being created by the One true God, He decides and we do not.  And so here I am blogging once again about my boy, after what has been a very long time away from the computer to tell you that a No from God is hard.  And that being angry about a no, being sad about a no, being downright pissed off about a no, is okay. Hell, I am still mad about mine.  And the day I buried that little boy, even a mustard seed of faith seemed like a mighty big ask.  

"Time heals all wounds" is complete crap.  I think Rose Kennedy said it best when she said "The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."  I am not sure I could have said it better. And I know this for fact this is true because it has been 15 years since we lost Bennett and recently I was asked to speak about him on a Warrior Moms podcast, (check them out at warriormoms.buzzsprout.com ), and days leading up to the interview I would breakdown remembering while I was trying to prepare what to say.  

God does huge things with our loss, with our pain and one of the biggest thing He does with it is change us.  He makes us better from it if we let Him.  And then He uses it to shape others, to encourage them, so that He can say to them "Look at that lady, look what she has been through, look how she still shines".  And that is what I said to my friend.  I told her I would pray for her faith.  Because God has already decided what He is going to do for her and what He is not.  But at the end of the day, she must hold onto her tiny mustard seed so that He can finish whatever He has started with her.  Everyone is praying for her hearts desires, me I am praying for her light to keep shining no matter what He decides.  

Dear Bennett, 

Today you would be 15.  Have I told you before how much I love teenage boys? Ugh, they are so much fun to me.  They make me laugh, I love their sports, I love feeding them, everything about them makes me happy.  I have had the privilege (thanks to your sisters who have a blast having guy friends) of being surrounded by teenage boys.  I have watched them grow up, I have celebrated their birthday parties, I have bought them fun boy presents, I have pulled relentlessly for their sports teams, screamed from the stands, paid for apps to watch them play in other countries. I wear their hoodies and their team colors.  We have 30 acres and a house full of things boys would enjoy doing, and they come and. they eat my food and leave mud in our garage and I love every second of it.  Their mamas and daddys share them with us, and I am so grateful.  

Of course none of that makes up for us missing you.  But it does make me smile that God has used all of these boys to make your sisters tougher, more competitive, and drive them absolutely nuts.  We all miss you, but at this point in life I would have to think your daddy misses you the most.  You would be his best friend, the one that laughs at all of his in appropriate jokes (thank goodness Josie is willing to do this), the one that gets his sarcasm and let's it roll right off (Presley stands in for you here) and the one that is his right hand man whenever he needs to get something done, and done right (thank God for Kat).  Your sisters are amazing, they are best friends and I'd say the only thing missing is you.  But everyday we say your name, we wear shirts, we send emails, we send letters and posters, all with your name on it. So we never forget, buddy. 

Me, well you make me look forward to heaven.  One day the two of us will sit down and I'll tell you everything you missed and you'll tell me everything you didn't miss because you were there all along.  But not today, today I am going to take these sisters of yours to the gym and we are going to come home and make a birthday cake for their friend, he will be 17 tomorrow.  Isn't it funny how God knows exactly what we need and when we need it? Right down to the excuse to make a birthday cake on your birthday.  I love you buddy.  Don't think for a second we wouldn't trade everything we have done without you, to have you here.  

Happy 15th,

Love mama 

GO AWAY DEVIL, JESUS SAYS YOU'RE WRONG!

Today we were riding in the car, in the rain, headed home from gym. Each of them engrossed in whatever book they were reading and the Tiny one giving herself her own spelling test.  I turned off the radio and announced that we were going to have Bible study in the car today.  That is my way of getting them to pay attention to what I am talking about because they think this will mean less book work at home.  Home school mom for the win.  They are 9 and 10 and 5 or rather 6. And though the days are long, the years seem to be skipping numbers somehow.  And I remember.  Remember what it was like to be their ages.  When words like "stupid" and "not popular" and "fat" and "weird" started making their way to the surface, filling my head with lies and taking away whatever confidence I had in the moment.  In other words, I remember when I met the devil.

So I start with a question for each of them. "Name two negative things you think about yourself" I say. Without going into full detail I'll sum it up.  The 9 year old struggles with telling herself that she isn't very smart, and the 10 year old feels inferior to her sister because she struggles with fear and doesn't like her hair....and who could blame her about the hair thing, I mean we have all seen Presley's hair.  Just to be clear, I asked them all and the 6 year old feels like she is rude because she doesn't always like the clothes we pick. I appreciated her honesty.  There I was in the rain, driving, and thinking to myself "this is exactly how the enemy does it".  GO AWAY DEVIL, JESUS SAYS YOU'RE WRONG!!!! 

I took a few deep breaths, trying not to hyperventilate and trying to figure out how a child as bright as Presley feels dumb and one as bold as Kat thinks she lacks courage (and let's give it to her, the kid also has great hair!!). I pictured them, the way I see them, and I wanted to tell them over and over again how wrong they were. But what mom's say doesn't always count does it?  So instead I asked them.
 "Presley, when you look at Kat how do you best like her hair?"
"Kat when you think of kids Presley's age, how do you rate Presley on intelligence?"
"Presley, would you characterize Kat as brave?"

I want you to know that we are not a family that blows smoke, so this could easily backfire if you're not certain what the answers will be!!! In this case, I knew what was coming.
"Down mom, I love Kat's hair down.  She should always wear it down."
"Brave, she's very brave"
"Top of the list mom, she's one of the smartest people I know". 

And you could see it in their faces, a stark reminder of what positive words do to a child's heart.  I didn't say anything for a few minutes. Just let it sink it.  And then I moved forward.

I drove on and quoted scripture after scripture.  Showing them how the bible relates to all of their fears and doubts. Actually, that part is a lie.  I quoted zero scripture. Mostly because I was driving and my bible app wasn't handy.  And honestly, "Siri quote scripture on what Jesus says about self doubt" seemed like it would kill the moment.  Just keeping it real.  Instead I gave them seven simple words.  GO AWAY DEVIL, JESUS SAYS YOU'RE WRONG.  I explained to them that all of the negative thoughts are from the devil.  Clearly, I realize there is power in the word of God and memorized scripture would come in handy here.  But honestly, there is more power in the name of Jesus than they will ever need and so my lack of knowledge didn't hurt me as badly as you'd think.

I explained to them that there is a great plan for their life and the devil is trying to spoil it any way he can. That if they don't combat the lies, they will not stay the course that the Lord has ahead. I was honest, explained where I feel inferior and watched as they thought how ridiculous I sounded. I used that to further my point.  I was real and vulnerable and all the time pleading with Jesus that they would hear me.  "Use the words" I told them.  When you think those thoughts say  "Go away devil, Jesus says your wrong". When you hear your friend say something ugly about themselves, use the words.  Teach them to your friends. Say them for your sisters, build them up.  The world needs more light, I explained. They smiled as I got louder and more passionate because, well because I am loud and passionate and it makes them giggle.  But they heard me.

I wish there were 20 more kids their age riding in that van listening. I ask you to tell your kids the same.  They don't have to be my words, but give them some to use.  This world is dark and our society as a whole is superficial and flawed at is very foundation that is built on nothing but greed and vanity. Media is ruining our children, teaching them that perfection is expected and reachable through filters and television that skews reality.  Tell your children that it's all a lie!!  Tell them that they are in fact wonderfully made by a Creator that expects them to fail and loves them anyway.  Teach them to combat the lies in their head with the One thing that will beat the devil every time. I recommend waiting until you have them cornered and maybe even bribing them to listen, whatever works for your family.  Just tell them, tell them to say it loud and clear and often  "GO AWAY DEVIL, JESUS SAYS YOU'RE WRONG!!!"  

Happy 8th Birthday Presely Rose

Dear Presley,

Your birthday has come and gone along with the months that followed it.  Summer is almost over and though it is still warm outside, football is starting so we know that Fall is near. I am late, again, but I cannot let time go by so fast that I neglect to document another year with you. You, my darling, are our sunshine.  We are so grateful for each day with you, it is hard to put into words.  I can only pray that one day, Jesus blesses you with a child that brings you the joy you have brought us.  You are a gift.  A gift that brings smiles and giggles and music in way that we never imagined.  You are 8 and you are full of spunk. You have found your voice and your confidence and you are lighting the world up with both.  You love friends and school and your grandparents.  You love chocolate and breakfast.  You love sausage biscuits and French Toast.  You love your daddy.  Oh how you love your daddy. But your heart belongs to your sisters. They are your people. You make them laugh and they keep you from getting hit by a car crossing the street ;)  You guys are inseparable and you love each other in a way that only Jesus could have planned.  It is incredible getting to watch that everyday.  And you, my sweet girl, are still a mama's girl. At least for now.

We have a fun life, filled with piano and theater. And this year, for your 8th birthday, we filled it with Mickey Mouse.  As a huge surprise for you and your sisters daddy and I flew you guys to Disney World for four of the BEST days we have had so far.  You love surprises and you were SO surprised!  Below is the card we had you read before we told you:

Dear Presley,
Happy Birthday!! Tomorrow you will turn 8 years old!! Mama and Daddy are so proud of the sweet girl that you are!! You are kind and funny and gifted in so many ways.  You bring sunshine into our family with your sweet smile and your great attitude.  We know you wanted something BIG to happen on your birthday, and you know how daddy loves to give you everything you want;).  So tomorrow all three of you are getting a BIG surprise!  We hope your birthday is awesome, Sis.  We love you.
Mama and Daddy

Presley, it was so much fun and you were so surprised.  Your favorite ride was Splash Mountain, but you rode everything and always with your hands up! We met so many characters, we had breakfast with Mickey and his friends while they sang a birthday song for you.  We had cupcakes and balloons in the hotel room!  We even let you try cotton candy ;).  We got up early and stayed out as late as we could take it!! It was magical, it was fun, it was awesome and there isn't another kid in the world that deserved a big birthday like that more than you.

You are such a fun kid, Sis. You are so smart. You excel in Math and Spelling.  You aren't big on reading books, but your level is high.  You say "all books are boring in the middle".  I can imagine it is difficult to write a book to keep a mind like yours occupied.  You are mature and polite and very matter of fact. You love playing in the rain and riding with the windows down.  You like rock music and Jerry  Lee Lewis.  You dance and tumble and run more than you sit still.  You are good at almost everything you try, yet you are one of the most humble human beings I have ever met.  You prefer to compliment others, you have no desire you out do anyone you love (except maybe Kat haha).  You love your cousins and your family.  William and Savannah you especially have a connection with.

You love purple and rainbows. You love animals, all of them.  You wear black combat boots in the heat of the summer.  You make friends with people who look lonely and you are kind to older people even if they scare you. You and Big and great friends and if he is around, you are sitting with him or on him.  You are independent but you still struggle with what people think, I hope that goes away, because you are tremendous just like God made you.  Music is your home.  You love it. If you aren't playing it, you are singing it.  I pray that you remember as you get older how much peace it gives you.  As life gets harder, you will need it.

I am blown away by the love Jesus has shown us by making you ours.  I will never understand it, but I will praise Him for it daily.

Happy Birthday, Baby.
Thanks for making us smile.
Mama and Daddy and Kat and Josie

Happy 4th Birthday Josie

Dear Josie,

Your 4th birthday has come and gone, but I have not forgotten it.  It fell right around the time of the girls big show and so the party was not as big as the 3rd birthday, but we were celebrating just the same.  This year you wanted an Ariel party so mommy made you a cake a decorated it. It was the first decorated cake I have ever done, so I'll give myself a C- for it ;) ,  Josie at 4 year are amazing.  You speak so well.  You are funny and witty and a giant pain in the butt and we love every minute of it.  You want to be big so badly. At times I find myself wishing away time because I want more sleep or things to be easier.  But then you crawl up in my lap, all 28 lbs of you, and you tell me I am your best friend and that you love your daddy the best and I am so grateful for those nights that you wont let me sleep.  I am not sure what the Lord has in store for you.  You are smart and you have great pitch for singing already. You can hold harmony with Kat and Presley, so I have to imagine you will come up behind them loving music. Right now, you love Mickey Mouse and talk about going to Dinsey World often. You love dancing and singing and your sisters. You love daddy and you love Uncle Brett.  And Janet and Big are your favorites.  You are learning your ABC's and you can count higher than I remember and you know your colors in Spanish ;)  Your party was filled with friends this year and you loved it.  We had a great time and daddy rented you a Mickey Mouse jump house...you are still taking about it;)

Josie, you are our miracle. Our living proof that Jesus loves us in ways that we will never understand. You are smart and great gymnastics and you are kind.  People often comment on your presence and your blue eyes.  I, on, the other hand, envy those giant dimples you were blessed with.  You are your daddy's twin and he gives you whatever you want, just like he promised a few years ago.

It is a gift to be your mom and watch you grow up with your sisters. You are amazing. You are smart. You are beautiful and you shine Jesus wherever you go.

Mama loves you.

Happy 6th Birthday Presley Rose

Dear Presley,

You are 6.  I cannot believe that 6 years have gone by since that wonderful Mother’s Day morning.  What a gift you were to us then.  Little did we know just how amazing you were going to be. First off I want you to know that for your 6^th birthday we got you a kitten and her name is Ginger. You picked her out and you named her.  She is a sweet kitten and you were VERY excited!! Savannah and Aunt Sissy came to visit you for your birthday. Nana and Uncle Brett came by as well.  It was a fun week full of surprises and cup cakes ;).  At 6 you are so much more than we would have ever dreamed. You are smart. You read on at 3^rd grade level. You spell incredibly well. You are doing so well in school and are very eager to learn.  You have read 6 chapter books this year and you can label all of the states on a blank map of the US. You love to dance and it is a gift that you have.  Your favorite color is purple. Your favorite person in Kat and your favorite thing to eat is probably donuts ;). 

Presley, you have such a sweet and gentle heart. You are kind and friendly to everyone you meet. You call yourself the Queen of Nice ;)  You told me that you are nice even when you do not want to be so that everyone is happy.  You make us laugh every day.  You are silly and a dreamer and I am SO grateful that Jesus let me be your mama.  With your determination and will you will do anything and everything you put your mind too.  Our lives are good. We have a nice house, daddy’s practice is doing well and we are all healthy. It would be hard to ask for anything else.  You are a great sister.  You love Josie and Kat is your best friend.  You have no idea you are a middle child, I have made sure of it.  You are special in every way. You have these gorgeous blonde curls that get you attention from everyone that meets you.  God has great plans for you Presley Rose, He has told me so.  You keep dreaming. You keep believing that you can do anything and I promise you, you will do everything you ever dreamed of and more!!! I can’t wait to watch. Thanks for being my best friend. Mama Loves you. 

Happy 9th Birthday Kat

January 19, 2017

Kat,

You are 9.  It seems impossible, but it is true. I cannot believe another year has come and gone.  I find myself wondering if I served you well each year as they pass. But then I realize what a fantastic human being you are and I remember that where I am failing, Jesus is succeeding.  I cried this year, again.  I was sad 8 was over. You were a tremendous 8 year old.  Even Ms. Meg said you were the greatest 8 year old she has ever known, and she has an 8 year old J.  For your birthday party this year we took you bowling with 12 friends and your sisters at Kings Bowl.  It was quite the party.  Everyone had pizza and we had Mexican chocolate cup cakes with cinnamon icing at your request.  Your present this year was a sound system bought by us and Big and Janet.  A microphone, a speaker and a mic stand.  It is a pretty awesome set up for a 9 year old, but you have earned it with how hard you have worked.  I’ve done a poor job of keeping up with journaling, so this year for your birthday letter, I am going to tell you what your 2016 looked like ;) 

January – You turned 8

February - Daddy too us to the Disney Magic Show, We had a great painting birthday party, You went to your first Nashville Predators game.

March – You started taking gymnastics

May – On the 15^th William was born

June – We had Presley’s Suzuki Party and you sang Georgia On My Mind and Glorious Day

You started writing your first song this month. 

On the 15^th you prayer to received Jesus into your heart.

25 – 80’s Show at FBAA and they invited you back to perform the next weekend.

27 – You went to day camp for the first time this week.

July 15 – you started writing “Letter to Jesus”

August – You competed in the county fair competition with Mama’s Broken Heart and were NOT chosen in the finalist.

9^th – You auditioned for Once Upon a Mattress in a class of 32 kids ages 11-7 and took the lead.

Sept – We took you to the Carrie Underwood Concert

Oct – On the 1^st you sang at the Storytellers Museum with Dan Wilt and Mark Cash in an impromptu performance of My Church.  You stood on Johnny Cash’s’ stage and they were playing his guitars. They invited you back to sing with the WS Holland Band.

Oct 8 – You sang with WS Holland on the Little Stage. This was your first full band performance and you were amazing. 

Oct 11 – I took you to Gigi’s Cupcakes and told you about your period while we ate a pumpkin spice cupcake.

Nov 4-6 You performed as Princess Winifred in Once Upon a Mattress and you were AMAZING.

We spent Thanksgiving at the beach this year with Big and Janet and the rest of my family. 

Dec – on the 7^th you went to Simeon studios and recorded Jingle Bells with Presley and Kendall. Edwin Portillo was the producer.

Dec 10 – We went to The Hideaway Farm and you sang Rockin Around the Christmas Tree at the Johnny Cash Christmas Party accompanied by Kaye Gramble and Tyler Sumners on saxophone

Dec 11^th we took you to see SHEL at 3^rd and Lindsley

Dec 17 You attended a Christmas Tea Party at Daisy Schaplan’s house

Dec 21^st you got your ears pierced at Lone Wolf tattoo in Franklin, TN. Jake pierced them and you had Presley go first.

Jan 2017 – You auditioned for The Sound of Music and got the roll of Brigitta J  (You wanted Maria, of course)

So baby…that was your last year in a nut shell.  Quite the year if you ask me.  I cannot wait to see what God has in store for the next one.  Kat, you are bright and gifted and kind and beautiful.  I would be lost without you.  One day, you will be here and I will be gone.  And when that day comes I pray that you remember that you are capable of EVERYTHING you are dreaming of. That Jesus lives in your heart and loves you in a great way.  And that making me a mommy, was the greatest gift anyone ever gave me.  It is a privilege, my sweet girl, to assist the Lord in raising you. 

Mama

            

Happy 8th Birthday Kat!

Dear Kat.  You are 8. 8!!!! I cannot believe it.  I am writing this about a month late because your birthday party was rescheduled due to SNOW.  Yes, this year we had quite a bit of snow in January.  Janet was here for your actual birthday and we did have some balloons and cupcakes and Mexican food ;) But your party was rescheduled.  So, it was yesterday. I am sitting in the floor in my bedroom writing this while Josie talks to herself next to me and you and Pres play a game.  This is my life.  It is fun and I love it.  So your birthday party was a lot of fun! We have Piph and Laila and Abigail and Eleanor and even Savannah was here!! Aunt Sissy and Savannah came for the weekend and Uncle Mike and Ms. Cristin came for one night and surprised you. We had a painting party and all the big kids painted a ballerina.  It was right up your alley.  You had a GREAT time and we even got a few big smiles out of you  ;)  We had chocolate cupcakes with caramel icing at your request and a cake that we decorated as a paint palette.  8.  That sounds like it should be little still but you seem so big for your age.  

You are SUCH a great kid Kat. You are smart and witty and silly and helpful.  You are VERY intuitive and careful, almost to a fault sometimes because it keeps you from having fun.  You read at a level well above your grade level, probably 6^th grade.  And you love it. You told me recently that reading is the only time you don’t worry….so we keep a book in your sweet hand as much as possible.  You are taking private piano lessons as well as voice and you are in an acting class. You love all three. You and sissy are also taking Spanish and can both count to 20 and say your vowels and a few phrases after only three classes!! You love music. You sing songs from Taylor Swift and Patsy Cline. You love pink and blue. You love chocolate and salads.  You’re a wonderful sister to Presley and Josie.  

You have questions. Lots of questions.  Questions that a lot of 8 year olds aren’t even considering.  You don’t believe in Santa or the Easter bunny and you never have.  You do believe in Jesus and that is something you question quite a bit.  I remind you often that He made you just like you are and He does not make mistakes.  

You are playing Bach’s Minuet on the Piano, a very advanced piece and you have worked hard on it.  You love Barbie and “real people” movies and your sisters. You have figured out that I need you and you need me and even though you would rather not admit it, I am right quite a bit ;)  I would be lost without you.  Daddy is your whole heart.  And you share a piece of it sometimes with  Janet and Uncle Brett. They are your people.  Your best friend is Presley. You love her like she is a piece of you. It is a blessing to witness.  Your favorite movie is Big Hero 6 and you love Taylor Swift, Adelle and Francesca.  You are a little mama to Josie. She loves you best.  

Happy 8^th birthday baby.  Time if flying by. I am honored I get to watch you grow and assist Jesus in raising you.  You are a blessing to all who know you and I love you bigger than the sky. Don’t forget. Mama 

Happy 7th Birthday Presley

Dear Sissy,
You are 7 and my heart can barely take it.  Happy Birthday Sunshine.  Your 7th birthday was so much fun!! We had a party at the park with 28 kids!! It was amazing.  There was a pinata and bubbles and 65 cupcakes.  You loved every second of it.  Your friends from school came and daddy took a half day off of work to be there.  Ms. Robyn helped mommy get ready. Everything was perfect and the rain held off!!!

At 7 you are so much more than I ever dreamed.  You are beautiful and kind and smart and so very talented.  You play the piano with such ease and grace and you have no idea that it is your gift, one of many.  You love with your entire being and your smile shines Jesus in a way that all people want to talk to you and hear what you have to say.  Your daddy says you are not made for this world and he is right. Your heart is different than the rest of ours. It sees only the good and believes only the best, it will be broken many times but it will change lives, I am sure of it.

I wish somehow I could bottle your attitude and your sweet soul, the world needs more of it.  Right now you love Jesus and Kat the best.  You love piano and Spanish and you do very well in school.  Your teachers say you are a light and you have made many friends.  You just started gymnastics, and just like everything, it seems to come easy for you.  The best part of you, is that you don't have any idea how incredible you are.  You just think everyone is as amazing in their own way.  You went through the first Suzuki book in 7 months, rather than 15-18 which I think is about the time it takes most.  You can play and sing piano at the same time and specifically play Adele's "Hello".  You and Kat harmonize very well together.  You love pink and purple and dancing and cartwheels.  You love animals and outside and bubbles.  You excel in spelling and math and music and Spanish and basically anything you put your mind too.

You are a gift.  A gift to all of us, but especially to Kat who takes the world too seriously. You make her laugh, she needs you almost as much as she needs air.  Josie is your buddy's you guys play well together and FIGHT well too ;) Your favorites are mama and Daddy but running a close second is Janet and Big.  Big calls you "The W" You LOVE Papaw and Uncle Brett too.  Savannah and Laila Burkes are your best buddies, but you make friends with everyone you meet.  Your favorite movie is Big Hero 6 but you have not seen the new Jungle Book yet and I am sure it will win out.  You love Taylor Swift and Adele but music of any kind makes you happy.

We are going to dinner tonight with Mr. Kendall and Ms. Aby, you love them both.  You picked Sopapillas.  It will be a fun night.  Our lives are blessed.  We have a lot of fun and daddy works hard to make sure that we get what we need and gives us just about everything we want!! Oh!! Ginger, your kitty, she had 4 really cute kittens ;) You are in love.  But I do not think we will keep any this time.  Sorry, kiddo.

Before I know it you will be 8, but you will still be my baby girl.  You promised you would.  I tell you all the time how gifted and special  you are and you just smile and tell me :there is always someone better mom".  Maybe that is true, but I have yet to meet them my sweet girl.  Happy 7 th birthday Presley Rose.

Mama

Dear Ladies: You aren't doing each other any favors.

Today was the last day of my bible study. It started last fall in September.  Truthfully, the only reason that I went was because it gave me the first opportunity I have had in three years to leave the house during the week and sit at a table without kids.  I am not kidding.  The first day they asked why we were here and what we wanted to learn and I said "I am here because my kids are not and I am not even sure what the study is about. It doesn't really matter because I am coming no matter what".  As the year ended, my group which had started with about 8 of us, ended with three originals and two ladies that joined us second semester.  The final group was a great group, filled with women who were transparent and a leader that was able to make parenting, even at it's worst, humorous. It was a weekly treat for me to be part of it, and it gave me an excuse to sit next to one of my very best friends every Wednesday.  I will miss it.

Today as we brought the year to a close, we took a moment to go around the room and say what the group or the study meant to us and what I heard made me smile and broke my heart at the same time.  You see ladies, and yes I am talking to YOU so listen up: this a group of women ages ranging from 24 to 60. Most of us have small children and the majority of us are in our thirties and forties.  THIRTIES AND FORTIES!!! Pay attention here.  I was in a room of women that have lived  quite a bit of life. Many of which would tell you that this bible study wasn't their first rodeo.  And today, at the end, these women got up and in tears talked about how this was the ONLY place they had ever felt welcomed, honesty, transparency, comfortable, grace, mercy, understanding (I could go on and on) in a room full of women.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME LADIES!!?? What the hell is wrong with us?? How is it possible that these women, at their ages, have never joined a group of women that made them feel these things?  Good grief. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. And I knew exactly what they were talking about.  I had even watched, in this very room early on in the year, as one lady who was struggling in a huge way was made to feel like her life was more of a soap opera than a reality. She quit coming.  Quit coming to a women's bible study because she was made to feel uncomfortable about sharing her life with us.....this is the world that we live in.  We live  in a world where women, who claim to love Jesus, make other women feel like less.

Ladies, we aren't doing anyone any favors by acting like we have it all together. This world if full of enough guilt and shame and condemnation without us offering it up as a side to our chicken salad on a small group gathering picnic table!!! And here is the cold hard truth.  We are ALL guilty.  Me, you, her.  Every one of us.  If you lie, you are guilty. If you only share the positive, you are guilty.  If you sit quietly and don't share at all, guilty.  If you gossip, guilty.  If you acted like you have never been there, guilty.  If you aren't listening to these women, you are guilty. GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY. All of us.  This world, the media, the enemy, together they have stacked the deck against us ladies and we are letting them kick our asses every hand.  That is just the plain ole truth.  I'd like to ask you when was the last time you went to a bible study and had someone stand up and admit to using the F word when talking to their three year old? Or when you sat at a table and listened to a woman say "I can't control my kid".  These are the women I just spent a year with and their honesty is the most light I have seen shone in this dark world in a loooong time.

So I am challenging you ladies, all of you and myself.  How many friends do you have that know the real you?  When is the last time you sat in bible study and told that story that you were ashamed to tell?  How many people really know the status of your marriage?  Our testimonies, they are gifts.  Every. Single. Piece of Them.  Gifts are to be given away.  SHARE ladies.  Use your story and help another mom, another wife, another teenager.  Tell the truth.  Be embarrassed. Ask for help.  Don't leave out the hard parts because those are the pieces that speak to someone in their very darkest times.  Don't you wish someone would do that for you? Don't you wish someone would stand up and say "My kids are terrible. My husband isn't home enough. My parents didn't notice me.  We never have sex. My daughter hates me. I can't talk to my mom.  My family is falling apart. My son can't read and he's 7.  My 5 year old isn't potty trained.  My husband ignores me. I am losing my mind. I can't get pregnant."  Say it ladies. Love yourselves enough to say it and love your friends enough to say it.  The world is broken.  Be a light.  Be a light like the women that I just spent nine months with were to me.  You won't regret it.

Melanie

Happy 3rd Birthday Josie

Happy 3rd Birthday Josie!!

Josie.  Mama is SO SORRY!! She is writing this months late.  Our November 2015 was CRAZY and I just never got to write!!  But, you are THREE!! Oh my goodness child you are AMAZING!!!! At your third birthday you were potty trained and talking up a storm. We had a super fun birthday for you.  It was the first real party you had so daddy and I went all out.  We invited some of the people that had prayed so hard for you and walked a long side us during the hardest days of our lives as we fought for you.  The house was covered in Minnie Mouse and her friends.  We had a piñata and cup cakes and BBQ from Jim and Nicks.  Most of your favorites were here!! Janet and Big and Nana all came. It was a great day!!


At three you are smart and funny and WILD.  I always say you are like raising a butterfly and it is true!! We just got rid of your paci in January. We spoil you rotten and it was just hard for us to take it from you.  You love Disney and your sisters and your daddy. You get up EVERY NIGHT and sleep in our bed and daddy insists he is okay with you doing that until you are 20.  He gives you EVERYTHING you want. Your favorites are Daddy and Uncle Brett and Janet and Big and Nana.  But your sisters are your world.  Josie, you are a gift. A walking miracle that we are BLOWN away Jesus let us have. You love to sing and you are actually very good. Aunt Sissy says you have a gift.  You love anything chocolate and gummies and chips and sauce.  You love pink and purple and basically anything Presley is playing with. The two of you are great buddies and you fight like crazy!!!  Mama is sorry she wrote this late. I will write more often, I promise.  I love you baby. 

Ladies, can you imagine? Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord  your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will love you, He will rejoice over you with singing. (Zeph 3:17)

And so it begins. Another year. Another chapter.  Another chance.  And it is ours to decided what we do with it.  Many people make New Year resolutions.  I do not. Not because I think they do not matter, mostly because I am relatively good at keeping set on a goal and do not need the New Year to hold me accountable.  I do however think about what my resolution would be, assuming I made one.  Would it be to save money? Exercise more? Eat less? Yell less? Have more patience? And then it hit me and I realized that I had come up with a New Year resolution that could change the world.  One that could change our homes and our friendships and our marriages and our success.  Ladies, hear me out on this one because this could be life changing if we could figure out how to make it happen.

What if our New Year resolution was to like ourselves more?  Ugh. You cringed didn't you?  I know, I hear ya. But stay with me for just a moment.  Think about it. Think about how different your day would be if you liked yourself more.  And I mean all of yourself.  Not just your hair or your  boobs or your latest outfit.  Like really liked everything about yourself, just like He made you.  No returns, no exchanges, nothing added or taken away.  Rest in that thought with me for just a bit.  Can you imagine? I  cannot.  Honestly. I am not sure it is even possible in the world that we live in today.  Society and media and retail have surly laid it on thick trying to convince us that we are not enough. Some of us watch TV shows that make us feel less beautiful.  Others of us do not need TV because our husbands are doing just fine.  Some of us have neighbors that we compare ourselves to or friends, good friends, even great friends that we enjoy but leave us feeling defeated after our time together. This is no one's fault but our own of course, but it does happen. 

I am going to be brutally honest with you for just a moment.  I do not like myself.  Not all of myself anyway. To be fair, there are pieces of myself that I like a lot.  Most of those have to do with my personality.  I like that I am strong and honest. I like that I am a good friend to those that I love the most.  I like that I am completely and utterly in love with my husband, so much so that I do not even realize other men are in the room.  There is a list.  I won't bore you with the rest.  But there is also a list of don't likes.  I don't like my body. I have NEVER liked it.  I have been heavier and I have weighed less. I have been in worse shape and in better shape. It's never been enough.  I don't like what I have accomplished so far in my life. I feel like I could have done more, helped more, accomplished more.  I don't like that I live in Tennessee and I have a full list of reasons that I blame for that one, all of which are superficial and ridiculous.  The list goes on....

You see, my friends, it doesn't matter does it?  What we do and do not like about ourselves has zero to do with reality and everything to do with our hearts.  Somewhere along the line someone said something to us, did something to us, left us, hurt us, modeled for us, and we took those words or that example and tore off a piece of our hearts and replaced it with that lie.  And there it has sat ever since reminding us that our worth lies in the eyes of others.  A big FAT LIE that we have spent a lifetime believing.  It is exhausting. 

I think about my past and my present.  If I stop and think through conflicts that I have been in and I am honest with myself, most of them could have been avoided if I just liked myself more. If I hadn't allowed the other person to decide my worth, I could have walked away from most of them bruised but not beaten, tired but not lost. 

Ladies, our worth lies in only One person's hands and that is the hands of Jesus.  That is truth.  It is written. I realize that it is hard to believe. I understand that we pride ourselves on being good mothers, wives, friends, daughters, teachers, coworkers, and that day to day successes feed our souls.  But we are doing it wrong. All of us. And I am leading the pack.  It's like a really dysfunctional game of follow the leader where we are all walking in a circle comparing ourselves to the person in front of us and talking about the person behind us.  It is sad.  And we are setting a horrible example for our daughters.  We are teaching them that their worth lies in the hands and the eyes and the minds of everyone BUT Jesus. 

I look at these 6 blue eyes that are watching me and I am ashamed of myself.  I don't want them to care. I don't want them to care what you think or what I think or what their dad thinks. I want them to care what Jesus thinks.  I want them to look in the mirror and be blown away at the fact that every piece of them was planned perfectly. Have you ever done that?  Can you imagine? I don't want them to suck in their stomach or hold up their "beaten up after 5 babies" breasts and wish. I want them to stand there just like they are and smile. When is the last time you did that? Can you imagine? I want them to see the talents of others and enjoy them not covet them.  I want them to take THEIR gifts and relish in them rather than wish for more.  Have you ever done that?  Can you imagine?   I don't want them to wonder if they are enough or what else they could do to make themselves more appealing.  I want them to marry a man that loves Jesus and them and to actually believe him when he tells them they are beautiful and that he loves them and only them forever. Have you ever done that? Can you imagine? 

Ladies, what if your New Year resolution was to like yourself more?  What if it was mine? What would your marriage be like? What would your friendships be like? What would your daughters be like when they grow up?  Wouldn't it be amazing to raise a new generation of women who depended on the love of Jesus rather than the love of man? Would you be willing to join that movement if it was started? Should we do it? ;) 

Happy New Year Ladies! 
Melanie

What does LOVE do?

Lately I have wanted to write.  But honestly, there are so many thoughts in my head that I have no idea where to start.  I am reading Bob Goff's book, "Love Does" and though it is inspiring, it is somewhat discouraging to me in a world that is full of death and violence and greed. I cannot write about politics because I am all over the map when it comes to how I feel and what I think. And if you aren't one sided, people claim that you are weak. Religion is out. If you love Jesus you're a hypocrite and if you don't you're a terrorist.  I am not really sure that one is worse than the other at this point in history. 

Our world is scary and our lives are full of unknowns.  Media lies to us all.  If you fall towards the right you are influenced by fear mongering propaganda, if you fall to the left it is the sympathy propaganda that influences your decisions.  Personally I am scared and sad at the same time, but again that is unacceptable to most. And then I read Bob's book and I am inspired. Not by Bob, well Bob is inspiring, but not JUST Bob.  I am inspired by my friends who just fostered a 5 week old little boy and those who give their time to food shelters this time of year.  I am inspired by the single moms and by the dads that are working two jobs. I am inspired by the families that bag Santa Claus and give their Christmas money to a family who can't eat this week without it. I am inspired because Bob is right Love Does.  Love does a lot of things every single day.  And while many of us are sitting around angry about what is happening in the world, we are missing out on DOING anything.  This is not to minimize what is happening all over the world.  Because all of it matters and all of it is important.  But it is to say what are you, what am I really DOING about it besides worrying, arguing, or complaining about it.  Probably nothing. 

But you know what we could be doing? Fostering, feeding, clothing, cooking, giving, loving, helping, employing, our friend, our neighbor, our brother.  Friends, we are wasting precious time.  Time that we have been given as a gift.  Time that is short, shorter than we realize.  I think most of us will get to end of our lives, be it today or ten years from now and think "I wish I had DONE more". I know I will. I already think that about my previous 40 years.  (Especially those wasted at my favorite watering hole in my 20's). Because if I have learned anything over the past ten years it is that life isn't about ME or my happiness or what I want or what I think is best for me.  Life is about love and passion and grace and mercy and the love of a God that gifts all of that to us unquestioned. It is about the souls of those people who do not know Him yet. And we are supposed to live that.  To live everyday showing that, shining that, caring about that, focusing on that..  I don't.  It is true.  And most people I know don't. 

Most people I know live for today; for this ball game or that dinner party with little or no regard to those  around them that may or may not know the Truth.  Most of them assuming that they themselves are "in the clear" when Jesus arrives and that God intends then for them to enjoy the rest of the time here on earth.  I pretty much disagree with all of that, but that is just me.  I don't remember anything in the bible talking about enjoying life or my happiness.  Not that I am a scholar. But what I do remember is that we are supposed to be spreading the Good word in this "getting darker everyday" world. We are supposed to care for the orphans and the widows. We are supposed to feed the hungry.  We are supposed to love our enemies and pray for those against us.  That is not to say I think we aren't supposed to protect ourselves and our families at the same time.  So I have started praying for my enemies.  I wasn't, I am now, but I wasn't.  I am praying, literally for the souls of all of those out to destroy this wonderful, beautiful, world that we live in.  I am praying for the souls of all of them.  Begging, pleading with Jesus to save them (and us) from their lost souls.  Praying is doing.  I want to be doing something even when it feels like I am helpless.  Will you pray with me?

Because Love prays and feeds and clothes and helps and DOES.  I want to DO something.  Today. I want to show my kids that today is not wasted. That we can make a difference.  We can shine our light in this community and it will matter.  I want to show them what the power of prayer DOES. What faith DOES. What grace DOES. What LOVE DOES. 

Balloons and Ice Cream

I forget.

I do it often now.  Forget, I mean.  It's easy in this life that has taught me that the busier I am the happier I will be. No wait, the busier I am the more successful I will be. No wait, hell I cannot remember.  Either way, it encourages me to be busy and I forget.  Forget their names, to fill the water bottles, to feed them lunch. You name it, I forget it.  I blame no one but myself. After all, my absurd expectations of what I should accomplish in a day, in a week, come from no one else.  And therefore, I forget.  All of the time. Everyday.  

What has happened to us as mothers? Where in the hell did we go wrong?  Why is it that we have accepted the idea that the busier we are, the more activities they are in, the more things we volunteer for, are the things that will make them remember us.  You know what will make them remember us? Balloons.  Balloons and ice cream.  Yep.  You and I could spend ten minutes today and grab some balloons and a gallon of ice cream and they will remember it for the rest of their lives, guarantee it.  

You know what I remember about my mom?  An ice cream cake. It was a disaster,  But I remember her making it, and I remember her loving me enough to start over again and again until it was as close to right as it was ever going to get.  I remember spontaneous trips to the beach.  I remember her turning the eyes off on the stove and putting us in the car for Happy Meals (gross, I know but she didn't know any better and those boxes were really cool).  I do not remember a clean house, or meals that she made for every family at the church that needed one. I am not knocking taking meals, mind you, I am just stating fact.  

Busyness is a epidemic.  We are so busy when we have our kids with us, we cannot wait to get away from them!!  Now, a few of you are reading this and SWEAR that you NEVER want to be away from your kids.  Good for you, I am talking about the other 99% of the moms out there.  I am tired.  And I am going to be honest with you here, don't tell your friends this, but I do not do half of the things with my kids that most of you do.  We are not eaten up with activities and I do make mine entertain themselves.  I say no, often.  I do not take them everywhere,  I do not sign them up for every fun thing at the library and we skip birthday parties. Truth.  Still I am tired.  So the rest of you must be EXHAUSTED. 

You know what happens when you are tired and spent? You forget.  You forget that he really likes his sandwiches cut into triangles .     You forget that one sharp tone affects her for the rest of the day. You forget that his behavior is better when you aren't in a hurry.  You forget that she is 7.  Just 7.  JUST 7!!!!!!!   Sorry that was for me.  Even though you too may have a 7 year old that you treat as though he/she is 16.  If so, this one is for you........7!!!!!!!!!!

I want to be different. I want to be patient and fun and crazy and messy.  I want to play in the mud and build a fort and I want those freaking dishes to rot in the sink.  I want them to remember.  Remember that we went for ice cream after bed time. Remember that we bagged homework for a dance party.  Remember that I didn't give two shits what they were good at as long as they loved and lived and laughed and Jesus shone through their blue eyes.  And I want to remember too. Remember that she doesn't care if that skirt goes with that shirt and let her wear it.  Remember that she loves crafts and s'mores and that it is not her fault that I am late.  It is mine.  I want to remember that her eyes only sparkle when things are silly and her daddy is home.  And that for the love of God she is only 7!!!! 

I want to remember 7 and 6 and 2 1/2 even though it is hard and messy and louder than I would like on the days that I am spent.  I pray for that. I pray for friends that want to remember too.  I pray for friends that don't want to  compare notes or kids but would rather just sit and watch and enjoy what we have.  I miss friends like that and I am grateful for the few that I have.  I pray that you too will remember this year.  You will not hurry it by with homework and projects and 3 sports and church activities but instead, every now and then, you will just stop for balloons and ice cream.  

Happy 5th Birthday Bennett

Dear Bennett,




Well March came and is almost gone and again, I survived it.  This year was particularly difficult in the days leading up to your birthday. I felt myself on the verge of tears often and crying more than usual.  I miss you.  I miss your face and your blue eyes and that set of dimples I am certain you have.  I miss the sounds that you would make, adding to the chaos that is our home. I miss the BOY you would bring to our day.  I catch myself looking at these girls and seeing you within their circles, playing their games, fighting with them.  Oh my how I bet you and Presley would fight.  It makes me laugh thinking of it. 


Our lives are easy right now.  Happy and only the normal chaos of the average family fills our days. School, work, play, everyday challenges.  Your sisters are healthy and they speak of you often, weekly as a matter of fact.  They know you are missing.  On your birthday Presley cried.  She knows you are happy in heaven but she wishes we could just all go and be with you. 


I want to thank you for the kind of mama you make me.  And for the gift that I am sure you had everything to do with that we call Josie Hope.  She has filled our home in ways we never knew were empty.  I am sure you have much to do with the fact that Jesus let us keep her. Thank you son. 


You are 5 and you are not here and there are days that is more than the heart of this mama can take.  I tell your daddy all the time that we are missing a person. A whole person. But the truth is that we are not missing you at all really, because you are here.  Your name rings through our home. Dreams of heaven and what it is like fill the heads of your sisters. They are excited to go, anticipating it even and that is because of you. 


I imagine that if you were here we would have gotten you a fishing pole and some sort of reptile. Maybe a frog to go with Lucy the fish ;)  There would have been a birthday party and you would have asked for Banana pudding because that is your daddy's favorite and he is exactly who you want to be.  We would have had some little boys over to play and drive Kat crazy and someone would have gotten hit in the head with a stick or a bat.  It makes me giggle imagining it. Big would have come because he would think you were the coolest little boy in the world and I am sure he and Janet would have brought you your first set of clubs. I can see you out there swinging that little driver as hard as you can and hear Big talking about how hard you will hit it one day.  Janet, of course, would be the one helping you with your swing.  And Nana would have come too because you would remind her EXACTLY of your daddy and probably be the one she spoils that most of all four of my kids.  My oh my what a birthday it would have been.


However, as Presley reminds me, it would have paled in comparison to the one you had in Heaven.  And though it makes me sad that we missed it, a piece of me is relieved that one of my babies never had to endure this world that we live in.  One of you never had to experience pain or sadness or defeat.  There is no frustration or sin or Satan where you are.  And that, my sweet boy, brings me peace. 


Happy 5th birthday Bennett.  We love you.  We think of you often and miss you EVERYDAY. One day we will all be together and mama will make up for all of the kisses she is missing right now. 


I love you.

The Ugly Truth About a Day in the Life of Homeschool. ;)

Dear Friend Whom I Wish I Knew Better,

Yes you, you are the one that I am talking too.  The one that is at home right now, kids on the bus, having coffee with a friend, getting ready for your yoga class.  We are friends you and I.  Good friends actually.  But I do not see you much, nor do I get to join your tennis team or Thursday morning bible study. So we are probably not as close as we could be and in many ways that is disappointing to me.  After all, I would love to learn to play tennis.  Oh hell who am I kidding, I would suck at tennis.  But let's say you were in a cookie club...THAT I could do.  And the yoga class, I am in for that too.

Anyway, I thought I would take a moment and give you a glimpse of the inside of my home on any given day of the week.  Wait on EVERY given day of the week.  You see you probably think  I am TOTALLY nuts for homeschooling. Well, my friend that I could be closer too if I had a life beyond my kids, I am here to tell you that you are exactly right.

Yep I said it.  I am nuts, completely crazy. And getting more and more crazy as the year drifts on.  And yes I like to know where my kids are and what they are doing at all times.  No I do not trust all adults to take care of my kids.  I cannot help it.  I come from a long line of crazy....it was inevitable.

Oh my friend, I long for the two hours between 6 and 8 when you are up begging your kids to move their behinds, making lunches, checking for homework AGAIN.  I dream of the crying before the bus comes and the list of symptoms that they rattle off daily just hoping they will get to the right one so that you will allow them to stay home.  I fantasize about that moment. I do. You know the one I am talking about because you live it EVERYDAY.  The moment when the bus door shuts, or the car door slams....yep that moment.  Where the world is quiet and you think HOLY SHIT I have 8 hours!!!!!!  Yeah I dream of that. Now, to your point, I am actually dreaming of that, literally, while you are living it because there is no 6 am wake up call at my house.  And if the kids sleep until 7:30...well so does mama.  But that is where my day trumps yours. That is the only place that I actually win. Well not the only place, but some days it sure feels like it.

So here it goes.....The Ugly Truth About A Day in the Life of Homeschool;

7:30 - 9:00 AM Breakfast, fruit, shakes, toast, eggs....maybe all of them.
Then I say in my sweetest teacher/mom voice..."hey girls why don't you go get your books and read a chapter before we start class."  The younger of the two answers with a crisp yes ma'am.  The older let's out a sigh, "accidentally" slams something and somehow on her way by manages to crush her sisters foot...also an accident.  Youngest proceeds to read out loud....oldest reads to herself, disgusted that she is having to hear anyone else breathe while she reads...it is 9:30AM....you are having coffee and taking a hot, uninterrupted shower.

10:00 AM....in my calm yet not quite as sweet teacher voice (I can only take so much of the huffing and puffing)  "Great job girls, I have fixed you a snack.  Why don't you head upstairs and I will come up and we will do spelling"  Both girls obey, oldest still disgusted, youngest annoyed.  Meanwhile, the two year old is squishing blueberries between her fingers and sucking the water she has dumped on herself out of her bib.

10:15 AM....We have moved into the "school room" two year old included.  Both girls are sitting ON the school table and they have started a craft. "Girls....(still calm here) could you please get off of the table, put the craft away, and get your notebooks out?"  Crickets.  "Girls, (not as calmly) NOW.  Both girls respond, craft has been halted.  I get out the spelling curriculum and read the first word.  "WOULD, as in WOULD you like to play outside today?"  The oldest rolls her eyes and writes the word.  The youngest spells it out loud and answers the question "yes ma'am can we go after spelling?" I ignore the question because I have just noticed that the two year old has a barbie shoe in her mouth and am running to save her from choking to death.  You are leaving for Yoga.

10:45 AM....spelling is complete.  All of the sight words have been ripped off the wall by the two year old   Onto Math.  "Ok girls next we are going to do math.  What do you want to start with?" Youngest "OH I want to start with flash cards!" Oldest "How about we start with NO MATH"  We go with flash cards.

11:15....Math is over. Oldest has yelled at youngest for getting two right she missed.  Youngest has won the game only because oldest has refused to answer the last three cards.
Oldest is now furious and wants a do over.  We play again.  Two year old has opened all 115 DVD's and taken them out of their cases.

11:45 This time oldest wins.  Youngest is now crying.  2 year old has just colored all over her face with the orange dry erase marker. I spit in my hand and try and wipe it off...."GIRLS (there is no calm here) PLEASE get the history story and go over and sit on the couch."  Both girls respond quickly noticing the lack of calmness.  We sit on the sofa to begin the story.  "Christopher Columbus had three ships....."  I am interrupted by the oldest  "Um mom?" "YES KAT" "I am sorry to interrupt you but Josie is standing on the TV stand" I throw the book, jump the toy box and save the two year old again..You have been in 45 minutes of uninterrupted hot yoga. You are relaxed, your body loves you and your ass looks better than mine.

12:15 History is over.  Youngest is starving to death because she has not eaten in 2 hours, She has raised her hand three times during history to ask if it is lunch time yet.  Oldest is now making a rainbow loom dress that she has been working on since the story began.  Two year old has emptied all 543 crayons into the floor, 213 of them are now broken and one she has eaten.   "Girls, (exhausted and defeated) let's go eat lunch and put the baby to bed."  Insert screams of celebration here.

LunchYou are headed to sushi lunch with your BFF and yoga buddy. You have an hour and a half of nothing but time to chit chat.  I am making PBJ for the kids and drinking a protein shake standing up.

12:45 Lunch is over...two year old has been hosed off and put into bed. The two school kids are putting together a United States of America puzzle and identifying the first 28 states we have been working on. They are giggling, they are singing it together and doing a great job.  I stand in the kitchen and listen.  Would I like to be eating sushi? Yep.  The youngest comes in and says "Mom do you want to hear us sing the states song?" "I sure do (in my mommy voice) "  They proceed to sing it together, pointing out the states and smiling.  They high five when it is over and look at me.  All of the crazy sits back for just a second and I remember why I do this everyday.

So my friend you see, I wish we were closer. And yes, I envy the size of your ass and the tone of your arms and even the sushi you ate today.  But I don't have time for coffee and sushi. Not today, today I am going outside to play red light green light with my girls and then we will make some pop corn and play the "name that song" game.  This is my life.  I am a home school mom.  I am crazy and I am proud of it.

Melanie

Happy 7th Birthday Kat

Kat-

You are 7.  I laugh when I think about it because the years have gone faster than I ever imagined.  But here we are with you, our first baby, the one who made us parents, and you are 7. 7 going on 17.  The year went by quickly.  It was the best we have had since we relocated to TN.  The easiest.  All of you are healthy, daddy's business has done well, we are incredibly blessed by our God.

At 7 you are tall and lanky.  You hair is turning darker and you have lost 5 teeth.   You are strikingly beautiful in your own right.  You have the wit of an adult and the sarcasm to match.  You understand things that most 7 year old children do not.  There was a time that this quality was something we were proud of.  But now I fear we may have failed you in some way. robbed you too early of being a kid that thinks of things like if mermaids are real or how does Santa get into the house if there is no chimney. And it is in those times that tears come and will not stop.  Because I know what lies ahead of you. Real life, real world, real problems that increase the older you get.  And I pray that the bit of silly that is left in your heart, that your daddy seems best at bringing out, will stay there.

This year we have home schooled  first grade and to say it has been difficult would be an understatement at best.  You and I have fought non-stop, daily.  There are days that I wonder if you really even like me.  And then there are days and we enjoy so much that I realize that being your mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  On the bad days I go to bed and tears drop as I pray that when we are through, and you are grown, you will not only appreciate it but you will still enjoy me enough to want to spend time with me.  Truthfully, I know that it can go either way.  Some people cannot wait for their moms to visit, others tolerate them at best.  I am praying for option one.  We are very different and the more we talk the more I realize that you just miss me.  You need us both, your dad and I, one on one.  We have not done that well, yet.  My goal for your 7th year of life is to give you more of that.

Kat you are talented. You love music, you love to sing and dance and you are about to start piano lessons.  You are athletic.  Quick. Good hands.  Great coordination.  You are going to be able to be whatever you choose to be when you are grown.  You are smart, but you are easily bored which makes teaching a challenge.  But, you and I make a great team and we are working on it.  The truth is mama would be lost without you.  You are a wonderful sister. Presley is your best friend and Josie wants you more than she wants me.  You are helpful and able to do almost anything I ask of you.  We joke that if you could reach the stove, we could let you babysit.  Your manners are amazing and your sense of responsibility unreal.

Your favorites right now are Pink, Barbies, chocolate, daddy, Janet, Big, Nana, Ava, Francesca Battistelli, Britt Nicole, Taylor Swift, Art, Crafts, Nancy Drew Books and your sisters.  But at the end of the day, Thank goodness, your mama is whose face you want to see.

Happy Birthday Kat. Thank you for making me the proudest, most blessed mama that ever lived.  We love you bigger than the sky.

Mama, Daddy, Presley and Josie Hope

Happy 2nd Birthday Josie

Dear Josie Hope,

You are 2 and I cannot believe it.  The time has flown by so quickly that it scares the daylights out of me.  I know that one day soon I will wake up and you will be 6 like Kat and you will not need me to do most of the things that I am doing for you today.  The night before your birthday I rocked you to sleep and I cried. I cried knowing that never again will I have a one year old.  That never again will I celebrate a second birthday with one of my babies.  That you are and would be the last for us.  It was bitter sweet.  Truthfully, we should not have you at all. It is only be the grace and mercy of a GREAT God that I get to hold you everyday.  You, my sweet girl and a gift. A miracle.

I laugh when I think of what you are like at 2. You are a two year old.  You are everything a 2 year old should be. You are not behind, you are not delayed, you are NOTHING like they prepared us for you to be.  You are perfect, better than that you are Josie Hope and there is no one else like you.  I call you the human tornado.  You are WIDE OPEN all of the time.  You are loud and funny and have terrible temper. You are friendly and your presence makes people feel good.  You are beautiful and though you love your mama, your loyalty lies with your daddy and your uncle Brett. They are your favorites.

You love the Fresh Beat Band and Mickey Mouse. Your sisters are your world and you trust them. You talk to Big all day on the phone and Janet and Nana are two of your best buddies on the planet.  You lack nothing. You are loved, you are cherished, you are completely rotten. Some say you deserve it, most of us agree.

You had a great birthday. The Ogle family came to celebrate and we made you a cinnamon cake with pumpkin icing. You had two pieces. Mama and Daddy got you a tricycle and a guitar ;) You loved your beep beep!!  It was a great day and ended perfectly with a visit from Uncle Brett who you call Da Da.

This year, even more than last, we were very aware of the miracle that you are. Amazed that we got to keep you and even more amazed that God blessed us with your health.  Everyday with you we cherish and enjoy.  We cannot WAIT to see hat God has in store for you my sweet miracle.  Happy second birthday. We love you bigger than the whole sky.

Mama, Daddy, Kat, and Presley

Uncle Ralph

Today I got news that one of my family members is heading soon to see Jesus.  News like this always brings two completely different feelings to my heart. One is excitement for him, for those that have gone before him, for Jesus. The other is an overwhelming sadness that is accompanied by a weight that sits in the middle of my chest.  This feeling usually trumps the other for a brief period as I think of all of the people that I love that love this man.  This particular man is the last of my Nana's siblings that still graces the earth.  And grace the earth and all those that have ever had the privilege
of being in his presence is exactly what he does.   I believe in a family when the last of a generation dies like this there is a sharp sword of reality that sets in.  The realization that those stories, those memories, those moments will slowly fade away with the ones that made them and told them.  That is how I feel about this man, this precious, gentle, amazing man that is preparing to meet his Creator.  I feel he holds the memories and stories of a family that we all love more than life itself and that as he slowly makes his way to heaven he will take with him a piece of all of us.

Uncle Ralph.  That is what we have always called him He's is my grandmother's youngest brother.  He is married to Aunt Joan and if I was one of his grandkids I could tell you for how long, but I am not.  I am actually his great niece.  That does not change at all how much I love him or the memories I have of him.  For my entire life, any and all of the events he attended I remember his presence.  When my grandmother turned 80 he is the first face I remember seeing as they all walked up her driveway to surprise her.  At the family reunions, he is always the one that I looked for first.  There are things about him that are unforgettable. The way he smiles, his blue eyes, his voice, the way he smells.  He is kind and humble and gentle.  He reminds me of my daddy in a lot of ways and I have to think that is why I always took to him. 


As I sit here in TN, too far away at a time like this, I pray for my sweet cousins as they deal with the reality that we have so recently dealt with when my Nana went to heaven.  I pray for their hearts. For peace. I pray for comfort as they prepare to say goodbye to one of best men I have ever known.  And I rejoice for those that are waiting, I have to imagine impatiently if I know my Nana, in heaven for his arrival!!! As for Uncle Ralph, he knows how much I love him and how much I will miss him and that one day I will see him again!!!